Friday, June 10, 2011

Crack Cream, Anyone?

Thought for the day:  Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even when you wish they were.

Is there a song that momentarily transforms you when you hear it? For me, that song is Steppenwolf's Born to Be Wild. Who cared if I was actually driving around a bunch of kids in my old station wagon when that song came on the radio? All it took was the first couple of notes, and suddenly, my face changed, and my attitude changed. I was no longer mild-mannered, boring old MOM; I was a bad-assed wild woman tooling around in a '56 Chevy, or zooming on a Harley, or zipping around in a snazzy Corvette convertible. Funny thing is, I still want to belt it out and feel the wind in my hair whenever I hear that 1968 song, but there's another newer version now, and it's a bit more befitting of my age. (Damn it.)

 Check it out.

In Wednesday's post, I listed a bunch of books with some rather interesting titles. Just in case any of you would be interested in purchasing some of them for your very own, here ya go:  do it  After all, without a copy of The History of Sh*t, how can you possibly consider your library complete?

Haven't had enough weird books yet? Looking for an unusual gift for a young reader? The lovely Dianne Salerni alerted us to an hysterical list of creepiest children's books . Some of my favorites on this Huffington Post list are:

  • The Pocket Book of Boners   (an omnibus of school boy howlers and unconscious humor)
  • It Hurts When I Poop!   ( a story for children who are afraid to use the potty)
  • Where Willy Went   (the BIG story of a little sperm)
  • The Long Journey of Mister Poop   (The cover is hysterical. It shows Mister Poop, or Senor Caca, clad in a beret and plaid golf pants. And YES, Mister Poop IS exactly what you think it is!)

So, thanks Dianne, for sharing that with us. If you guys want to see the other books on this list, check the link. (Where ... bonus! bonus! can ALSO find some of Sarah Palin's greatest quotes.)

Last week, I couldn't help but notice a tube of ointment on the shelf at the pharmacy. I mean, how could anyone miss it? It was called Crack Cream. Now, I'm sorry, this may be a fantastic product, but that name positively slayed me. I was giggling like a 2-year-old while trying to convince my better half to purchase that particular product, but alas, failed to convince him of the need.

Anyway, seeing that unusual product name made me curious as to what other weirdo names the market had to offer.  Found some, too. Although this is a list that admittedly belongs on Tawna Fenske's blog, remember ... you saw it here first. Consider whether or not you'd like to put any of THESE products into your shopping cart:

  • Trailer Trash eye pencil
  • Deep Throat blush
  • Fat Girl scrub
  • Udder Cream
  • Urban Decay beauty products  (how about some "roach" eyeshadow?)
  • Pedro's Lip Schit
  • Anti-Monkey Butt Powder
  • Boudreaux Butt Paste
  • Nads hair remover
  • Cat Crap  (an anti-fog for ski goggles)

and my favorite:
  • Chicken Poop lip balm   (Allegedly, when a gal whined about her chapped lips, her crusty old grandfather told her to smear 'em with chicken poop so she'd stop licking them. Ergo, the name. Don't know how good the product is, but um, maybe it'd sound a little better if they called it Eagle Poop? Uh, no. Never mind. A rose is a rose is a rose ... and poop ...  is poop ...  is poop.)
OK, it is once again time for the (ta-DA!)

Weirdest News Stories of the Week

* Proving that my post about the importance of a name may not be complete drivel after all, a gentleman in Britain may have tempted the fates when he recently purchased a second-hand, 16-foot cabin cruiser. She may have been a beauty, but she also sank when he took her out for her maiden voyage. The cruiser's name? Titanic II. 
* In compliance with his country's Freedom of Information laws, an Australian newspaper reporter petitioned the Department of Defense to provide him with copies of their X-files. After a fruitless two-month scramble to find them,  Defense finally had to admit that their reports of UFO sightings and other paranormal occurrences had (shhhhh) disappeared. (Abducted, perhaps?)
* The bride wore ... green? Oh, no, my mistake. Indeed, she wore a lovely white gown, but her FACE was green. Painted green, that is, and covered in 192 piercings. In 2000, when this Scottish lass was officially deemed by Guinness World Records to be the "most pierced", Elaine Davidson had but a mere 462 piercings, but she now boasts 6925 ...  including 1500 internal ones, which weigh in at nearly seven pounds. (Think her favorite kind of music is Heavy Metal?)
* To encourage the Chinese people to go vegetarian, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has been dressing an actress in ... salad. And holding the actual dressing, I presume. So rather than merely going green, this young lady has been going greens. Oh, and by the way, my husband and I are also members of PETA, only for us, it stands for People Eating Tasty Animals. Like Sarah Palin said, If God had not wanted us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?

Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.



  1. I had to use Boudreaux's Butt Paste on the Monster Child a few times. Works wonders. Have seen the Deep Throat Blush and the Pedro's Lip Schit. Don't use them tho. Wonder what they'll think of next.

    BTW Monster Child and I play air guitar and drums to the radio on Sunday morning when I drop her off at her grandmother's for church. Born to Be Wild is a particular favorite of hers. She can understand the words. She likes Free Bird too.

  2. Great post - I love your take on the funny things in life :-) Keep 'em coming ... oh, and I actually use udder cream (on my hands, I hasten to add!) and it's lurvely ... a superbly rich moisturing cream, intended to sooth and protect the nether regions of milking cows.... Lucky them, eh??

  3. ROF,L! That video is hysterical. I think I gave myself a hernia laughing at it. ;)

  4. Me too with udder cream. I used to have a big pot. It's wonderful stuff; pure lanolin, and very cheap (if you can still get it). Great for hands and feet!

  5. Butt Paste I know about, I raised 4 children and now have 6 grandchildren. This is a good product. Who needs fancy-schmanzy names. At least you know what you are buying. I have no idea what disease half these products they advertise on TV are for - just that the side effects can kill you.

    I am going to look into this Udder Cream you mentioned. With the downward slop of my once perky udders, and the chaffing that is occuring on my stomach from them, this cream might be the ticket.

  6. Loved the video--thanks for sharing!

  7. Loved your clever post. I'd wear trailer trash eye liner. That news story about the piercings gives me the willy nilly's. Years ago I used some udder cream for dry skin. It came in a black and white cow-like box. It was lovely.

  8. Hi, Y'all. Thanks for your comments. Boy, this worked out pretty well. I had a couple of doctor appointments today, so I wrote the post yesterday and set it so it would publish this morning without me. And it worked! Life is good.

    Anne- "Born to be Wild" is the perfect song for air guitar, but for air drums, nothing can top "Wipeout!"

    Kara- Thank you, dear lady. Guess I'll have to check out the udder cream; my hands could use some serious help. (udderly ridiculous name, though)

    Linda- That video hit every one of my funny bones when I saw it the first time. Glad you enjoyed it, too.

    Cro- Thanks. Now I KNOW I have to see if I can find some of that stuff. I'm a fan of anything that can help the tired ol' feet.

    Starting Over- HA! You crack me up! The "side effect" they mention on TV ads that gives me the biggest yuk factor is "anal leakage." The first time we heard it, we were like, did he say what I THINK he said? (and those gross side effects are always said in such a sweet mellow broadcasting voice, too, and accompanied by a lovely little melody in the background ... tra la la ...)Alas, as for the udders, I'm afraid we're doomed by gravity. (too bad it's a "law", and not just a "suggestion".)

    Elle- Welcome, dear lady. I believe this is the first time you stopped by. Glad you liked the video.

    Manzanita- Good to have you stop by again. Glad you enjoyed it, and with several of you praising the udder cream, I'm gonna definitely have to try it.

    Take care, all.

  9. I always jump up and dance when I hear Twist and Shout. My kids are mortified. A little mortification is good for the soul.

  10. Thanks for the shout-out, Susan! That picture of Mr. Poop in the plaid pants gets me every time!

    I thought Badger Balm was a weird name, but it's nothing compared to those beauty products above!

  11. I can't attest to the veracity of the other stories, but the one about the Oz air-force 'loosing' our X-files actually made the press here on a few occasions.

  12. I'm still laughing about the Chicken Poop Lip Balm! Too bad that it doesn't double as an appetite suppressant! Julie

  13. And who (in the UK) doesn't remember Badger flavoured crisps?

  14. Connie- Oh yeah. "Twist and Shout" is another good. Some songs make it virtually impossible to sit still or to be down in the dumps.

    Dianne- My pleasure. Senor Caca had to be my favorite. When I told my daughter about it on the telephone, we were both laughing so hard, we could hardly talk. Nothing like a dapper-looking turd, eh?

    Al- Glad to get from-the-source verification, dear sir. As far as I know, all the weird news stories I've mentioned are honest-to-goodness true stories. That's what makes them so funny to me.

    Julie- Depending on how that stuff tastes, it might very well serve as an appetite suppressant!

    Cro- Makes one wonder ... what exactly does a badger TASTE like, anyway? There are allegedly some Harry Potter jelly beans on the market that are supposed to taste like such lovely things as barf and dirt. Yum, huh? Haven't seen them personally, but if I did, I might be tempted to buy some for my grandsons. They'd probably like them. The grosser, the better.

    Take care, all.

  15. Now that I am trying to name my first book, I understand that finding a catchy title is not always easy. And I will probably never outsell 'Everybody Poops.'

  16. Hi, Florida. You're probably right (HA!) but I'm sure you'll come up with something just as good.

  17. Ha! I love your blog! Yes, Born to Be Wild gets me, as do Jungle Love and The Immigrant Song. I have no shame.

    My best friend just gave me a container of Lady Anti-Monkey Butt Powder and it's great stuff-expensive though. Crack Cream is regularly advertised on the radio here but the first time I heard it I thought it was a joke. And in these parts we drink Fat Bastard wine and Big Nosed Blonde Beer. :)

  18. Hi, Austan. Well, thank you. It's good to know there are other people out there who share my weird sense of humor. I've seen Fat Bastard wine in our package goods store, and it always makes me laugh, but I haven't tried it yet. Might be fun to get some just to have the bottle sitting on our shelf.