Friday, September 11, 2015

Dem Dirty Birds

Thought for the day:  Growing up, my mother always claimed to feel bad when a bird would slam head-first into our living room window. If she really felt bad, though, she'd have moved the bird feeder outside.  [Rich Johnson]

It's September! Can you believe it? All the kids are back in school, and autumn will be getting its official by-the-calendar start later this month. Georgia's thermometers will probably still be flirting with the ninety-degree mark for a while longer, but at least we have hope that cooler temperatures are on the horizon. Change is coming. And sometimes, change is good.

For me, it's gonna be time to start cheering on our Dirty Birds (AKA the Atlanta Falcons) and to stop grumbling about dem other dirty birds.

In general, I love birds. I really do. Love their songs, love their brilliant colors, love to watch them. But for some reason, they've reeeeally had it in for me this year.

Or to be more specific, they've had it in for my car.

There is an unseen force which lets birds know when you've just washed your car.  [Denis Norden]

Now, I've had my little red car since 1999, and while birds have been known to dive-bomb it quite a bit in the past, it's been downright ridiculous this summer. Totally out of control.

Have I done something to offend the little feathered darlings? Perhaps my singing as I went outside to fetch the morning newspaper literally annoyed the crap out of them?

I dunno, but the truth of the matter is, birds from miles around selected my poor little red car as their potty of choice this summer. Mind you, there are two other vehicles sitting in our front yard which they largely ignored. Think the color red attracted them? Maybe, but Smarticus' big ol' pick-up... a much larger target... is also red. What can I say? For whatever reason, the birds obviously voted to use MY car as their outhouse. Copiously, and often.

Not haphazardly, either. Not like that car in the picture. No, one after another, they perched on my side mirrors and let 'er rip all down the sides of my car. Over and over and over again. And not that I'm begrudging Smarticus his relatively clean truck or anything, but I don't get it. I mean, the side mirrors on his pick-up are almost twice the size as the ones on my car, so the darling birds could've sat on them in luxurious comfort, enjoyed a little chat about the weather, and pooped two at a time.

I had to hold it for two days!!!
It didn't do much good to clean it off, either, because twenty minutes after I got rid of the mess, it was right back again. What can I say? Dem dirty birds decided my car was their loo of choice, and I was stuck with it.

Carols of gladness ring from every tree.  [Frances Anne Kemble]

Yeah, carols. I swear, when we had the audacity to go away in my car... their toilet... for a few days this summer, an army of squawking birds was waiting when we got back. A whole slew of angry birds was lined up across the yard, squirming and fidgeting from foot to foot, with little bird newspapers tucked under their wings. Glaring at me, and telling me what for. Believe me, they didn't waste any time at all in using their facilities, eitherSome of them didn't even wait to get a comfy mirror seat; they just flew overhead and let loose.

Tell ya what, it was a regular blitzkrieg. They weren't nearly as polite and well-disciplined as our neighborhood dogs, either.

Oh well. As the summer waned, the birds became less possessive of my poor little car. Maybe that's because most of the baby birds (the most grievous offenders) have grown up and moved on to some other bathroom facility. My car is grateful, and so am I.


But there are still plenty of birds around.... in my yard, and in yours, too. So beware. Not all birds are as eagle-eyed as others, so they just might mistake your head for a little red car.

How about you? Do birds have an affinity for your car, too? I would have taken a picture of my poop-covered car for ya, but (Woo HOO!) we've been having a lot of rain lately. I guess you could say our feathered friends have flush toilets now, and my car is cleaner than it's been all summer.

So now as the season prepares to change, I'm gonna stop worrying about all dem dirty birds who've been having their way with my car, and start thinking about what kinda season our (RAH! RAH!) Dirty Birds are gonna have. And one thing's for sure. No matter how well or poorly the Falcons do, they NEVER poop on my car.

And you didn't believe me last week when I said this week's post was gonna be about bird poop, did ya? Well, actually, if you think about it, it has a much deeper meaning. It's really a simple depiction of the socioeconomic changes in... Nah! Who am I kidding? It's about poop.



                                        Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.


60 comments:

  1. Your poor little red toilet, I mean car!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Could be worse. There could be mulberry trees or blueberry bushes in our neighborhood. Then the birds would poop in technicolor.

      Delete
  2. Hilarious post, Susan. I have noticed the birds poop exclusively on our new Mazda and leave the old '71 VW Bus alone. There is an avian language evolving beyond tweets and it is rooted in poop-based metaphor. Favorite among great picture selections is 4th one down, captioned "I had to hold it for two days!!!" I now know how Donald Trump summons up those facial expressions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like the birds out your way are either snooty, and only want to poop on the most shiny vehicle, or they're discerning hippies with great respect for your iconic bus.

      HA! Now that you mention it, that bird DOES resemble the Donald.

      Delete
  3. Smiling broadly here.
    And remembering a cat we had who has sitting under a tree looking up with malicious intent. When a magpie crapped on his head. I swear it was deliberate, and the cat came scurrying and went to ground under the bed. Cats do not do humilation well. It took some time before he forgave me for laughing as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad to hear you're smiling. (Not everyone will appreciate a post about poop, I'm sure. )

      No, cats do not do humiliation well. It's part of their charm. :)

      Delete
  4. Another amusing post.
    Birds constantly targeted my pickup truck in Texas and it was blue. I think we have a knack for attracting bird crap simply because we're Sagittarians. Hey, it's only a wild theory. There are an enormous amount of birds here in the mountains of TN. Fortunately none of them have left deposits on my car........well, not yet, anyway.....

    I love that photo of the dogs waiting in line for the tree.

    That autumn photo which you have at the beginning of this post is the exact same photo that I have on my computer desktop.
    Could this coincidence be because we were born on the same day?? Just a thought.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmm, I never considered a connection between the bird crap and being a Sagittarian... Gee, maybe that's why every bug in creation likes to target us as well? Must be something particularly attractive in an archer's blood. :)

      Coincidence? Nah. Great minds think alike.

      Delete
  5. Hi Susan - what fun to think about .. but not to deal with! It is the season of blackberry pooping ... or round here apple pooping seagull babies - born late I think ... cheers Hilary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Hilary! Oh, blackberry pooping is the worse. Same for mulberries. We had mulberry trees when I was a young child, and birds were always bombing the sheet hanging on the clothesline. Needless to say, my mother was NOT impressed.

      Cheers!

      Delete
  6. Makes me somewhat glad I don't have a car. On the other hand I do have birds that poop on my clean washing (*~*)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Birds pooping on nice clean clothes while they're hanging on the line to dry is much worse than pooping on a car. Mulberry-eating birds used to drop purple bombs all over our white sheets when they were hanging on the line. Not fun at all!

      Delete
  7. Susan, have you considered doing stand up?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HA! Nope, but I DO enjoy giving speeches... which occasionally make people laugh. (Luckily, in all the "right" places.)

      Delete
  8. It could be worse; they could have been Pelicans. When visiting Florida, I have been blessed by a few.

    We have a lot of large Hawks and buzzards around here. When outside, I always make sure that I close my mouth before I look up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OY! Yeah, pelicans would definitely be worse. Knock on wood, none of them have ever blessed me. Yet.

      Yeah, closing one's mouth while looking up is always a good idea. (I saw a cartoon once of a little boy looking up with his tongue out to catch falling snowflakes, and there are two birds in the tree above him, watching, and discussing whether they should give him a "surprise" or not.

      Delete
  9. lol well the dogs may go for the tires. We had one that would pee on a tire whenever he saw one lol guess trees didn't cut it. But yeah, the birds sure know how to drop turds.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Luckily, we rarely see a loose dog in our neighborhood. I guess they stay inside so the birds can't poop on their heads.

      Delete
  10. what a poopy post - and I mean that in a good way. I am not a target, nor is my car. But back in the day, when I went down the shore (Jersey) with girlfriends, Joanie was always the seagull target. It must be the singing....Have a great weekend - hope it cools down for you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now, that's reeeeeally poopy, because seagulls don't mess around. (Well, actually, they DO...) They know how to do it up right when they hit a target. Sorry they like to pick on you. Good thing you have such a good sense of humor!

      Have a terrific weekend!

      Delete
  11. Oh dear, you did something to piss those lovely little dirty birds off. Cut down any trees? Forget to put out the birdseed? And yes, that singing when you get the paper could be the problem. LOL Love it! Well, not that they pooped all over your car, but that you made such a humorous post about it, and put the smile back on my face. The cute little buggers do have that one weapon against the human race don't they? :)
    Have a truly wonderful weekend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, indeed, those little stinkers are talented bombers. Quite the weapon. :)

      You have a super weekend, too!

      Delete
  12. "It's really a simple depiction of the socioeconomic changes in... Nah! Who am I kidding? It's about poop." Heehee, SO funny.

    I don't have a car, so I can't really relate. But there was one time when my dear cousin, whilst laughing a hearty laugh, threw her head back in said hearty laugh and a bird promptly decided to empty it's bowels into her gaping maw. Oh how we laughed...except my cousin, who was too busy vomiting by the roadside.

    Have a great weekend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd much rather the birds use my car for a loo than target my (yuk!) mouth. I'll bet your cousin never threw her head back like that in the great outdoors again!

      You have a super weekend, too!

      Delete
  13. Ha - you really should try stand-up comedy!

    I remember bird poop on laundry from when I was a kid. Now, after all your comments about bird poop and mulberry trees, I may have to reconsider my idea of getting a mulberry bush (one of my friends has one and he makes the most delectable mulberry cobbler - which, in my mind, I will whip up with ease once I get some mulberries).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, if you don't hang clothes on the line, you wouldn't have to worry about the mulberry-eating birds. Going barefoot outside when you have mulberries can be a challenge, too. Leads to lovely purple feet, But if having those bushes leads to cobbler, it's totally worth it!

      Delete
  14. Birds will always poo just where you don't want them to. Back in the UK we had Seagulls; lots of them. But when it came to their poo we always referred to them as Albatrosses.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep; birds just don't have any manners at all.

      We had lots of seagulls where we grew up, too, and when they splatted, they splatted! I can see why you called them albatrosses... especially if one of them splatted around your neck.

      Delete
  15. Somewhere along the line I remember hearing that a bird pooping on you meant good luck...lucky car, I guess!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've heard that, too. If that's the case, my car is VERY lucky.

      Delete
  16. We haven't had too much trouble with birds pooping on our cars -- or even on our deck when we hung a bird feeder outside the sliding glass doors for the amusement of our cat.

    What bothered me was how the birds flung the food out of the feeder, all over the deck, where it became wedged in the cracks between the planks. You wouldn't think they'd be that picky, but they were! "Not that one. Not that one. Ew, yuck. Why is that in here? Okay, I'll eat this one ..."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm impressed the birds had enough manners to not poop all over your deck to pay you back for feeding them there. Southern birds aren't that thoughtful.

      HA! I like your description of the picky, picky, picky birds. :)

      Delete
  17. I'm surprised you didn't mention the time the Seagull crapped on Dad's chest when we were at Indian River Inlet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HA! Good memory. Seems to me, one splatted all over Uncle Pete one time, too, and it made him sick. (Weak stomach, I guess.)

      Delete
  18. A little birdie told me I might enjoy this post, and it was right!

    Speaking of birds pooping (not often I get to start a sentence that way), I heard somewhere it's supposed to be good luck if one drops a poo-bomb on your head. Heck if I can figure out how that idea got started.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I'm glad you listened to the little birdie.

      I don't know how that lucky poop story began, but I DO know a joke about it. Ii involves the legend of the mighty foo bird, and how riches and good blessings befall anyone who's fortunate enough to be shat upon by one of these ancient birds. Long story short, when the people in the joke succumb to the desire to remove said feces from their bodies, they drop dead. The moral of the story: "If the foo sh**s, wear it."

      Delete
  19. What a lovely post. And that picture at the beginning is the epitome of autumn, my favourite season. Well, one of them, the other one's spring. Thanks.

    Greetings from London.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome back! I hope you've enjoyed your break.

      Well, I dunno if I'd call it "lovely," seeing's as it's about bird poop, but I had fun with it. I love autumn, too, and am looking forward to some cooler temperatures and brightly-dressed trees.

      Delete
  20. Ha! I have a little red car and never noticed until I read your post, that my birds sit on my side mirror and poop down the side of the car. Maybe they're specific birds to the south?

    The weather has finally broken up here. Had to sleep with blankets on last night. Supposed to be 48 degrees tomorrow morning. No more 90's for us. Thank God.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. By George, I think you've got it! Red car-dinal poopers ust be a Southern thing.

      It has gotten wonderfully cooler here the past couple days, too. Not at cool as what you're seeing, but cool enough to open the windows in the morning, anyway. YAY!

      Delete
  21. I don't ever have any problems with my bright red car getting crapped on. Knock on wood.

    However, whenever my half adorable and half terrifying hawk friend comes to hang out on my balcony with me, he invariably craps about ten birds' worth. Thankfully, though, whenever he goes he usually hops over to the balcony of the neighbor I hate and does this and this.

    If that isn't a true friend, I don't know what is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lucky you! The color of paint on my car is actually called Bright Red (and it IS!) and obviously, Georgia birds love it. Like Anne said, maybe it's a Southern thing.

      Your hawk buddy is beautiful, in both his adorable and terrifying shots. And that he chooses your less-than-favorite neighbor's place to drop his bombs makes him a REAL pal. (Either that, or you've trained him really well!)

      Delete
  22. It sounds like they are out to get you! This post makes me think of the movie, "The Birds," which scared the...well, you know...out of me when I was little. Keep your head covered! (Thanks for the smiles.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think about that old Hitchcock movie whenever I see a bunch of birds lines up on the power lines... (shiver)

      Come to think of it. pooping on my car isn't all that bad, after all. At least none of them are attacking me and trying to peck out my eyes... It's all a matter of perspective...

      (You're welcome.)

      Delete
  23. I saw the dog line up on FB and it made me chuckle. Yes, I saw the car covered in bird dropping in real life too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That dog line-up picture cracks me up, too. And alas, I think most of us have seen cars that have been bountifully blessed by our feathered friends. I just hope they spread their blessings around a little more next summer, instead of concentrating on my car. :)

      Delete
  24. oh I know how you feel! Dorms are 5min walk away from the beach. My car is also red by the way. And because of the beach...seagulls EVERYWHERE! and I'm used to having my car shiny and spotless (something I got from my dad). Those damn birds. They're cute and all, but I do not appreciate their dinner on my car!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, tell ya what, if I lived a 5-minute walk away from the beach, I'd be less bothered by all the dinner remnants on my car... even if they were dropped by seagulls. And it is a very very good thing I wasn't that close to the beach when I was in college, too. Talk about a major distraction, and one I'd find it very difficult to resist. :)

      Delete
  25. Years ago when my mom was suntanning herself in the backyard, she felt a giant thud on her chest. Since our backyard lined up to the high school baseball field, she thought she was struck by a baseball. It turned out that a bird dropped dead on her.

    Sorry about your car though. It is true how it always happens right after a car wash.

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The whole darned bird??? Holy moley... what are the odds of THAT happening? Your mom must be verrrrry lucky, eh? (She MUST be... she has YOU...) :)

      Delete
  26. Susan I think I am thankful I don't own a car and luckily for me, with all the walking I have done daily I have not had to deal with the birds... I hope they never feel the need to let loose on me... I am glad to hear it rained to clean up you car.

    I am happy Fall is coming for you, I am not looking forward to it coming here due to the fact that the nasty Winter will follow... after last year, Winter is on my hit list and I am seriously thinking of moving West... so over the ice... it is not my friend xox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HA! The only reason the birds haven't "graced" you with a present while you're walking is because you're moving so darned FAST.

      If we got a lot of ice and snow here, I wouldn't be thrilled about the approach of winter, either. Hopefully, yours will be a little more mild this year than it was last year.

      Delete
  27. I thought someone had vandalized my car this summer, but it was actually just layers of really hard to clean bird poo. It was so thick that it didn't even come off with heavy rain. I had to use pressure with a sponge until it came off. I've only had one bird poo on me years ago.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yowza, sounds like the birds got you pretty good this summer, too. Gotta be careful, because some of that poo is caustic enough to damage the paint if you leave it on there too long.

      Delete
  28. Hah! Thanks for the laugh. Gotta borrow that last one. And although I love the shade our maple tree offers and park underneath it, there must be some really angry birds perched above. I sometimes hose it off daily.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My pleasure. If you liked that last cartoon, you'll love my posts for September 25 and October 2. (A 2-parter with more alien cartoons in it.)

      By the way, the cartoons are free for the taking at dementeddenizens.com

      Delete
  29. Bird poo on a car parked in open sunlight is really hard to clean.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, it is. The only thing that kinda helps is keeping a decent coat of wax on the car. (But WHO wants to wax a car when the temperatures are in the nineties?)

      Delete
  30. LOL! They should make this version of The Birds. Seriously. I'd love to see that parody.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're onto something! That would make a hilarious movie. :)

      Delete