Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas!





Hi-ya! I hope you all have the merriest Christmas ever. Lots of love and smiles from our house to yours.

Talking about smiles, it's time for me to share that old chestnut Christmas post with you again. What can I say? Don't wanta buck tradition. So with a few revisions, here ya go... again...


Traditions don't have to necessarily be classy, you knowSometimes, they're just plain fun... or funny. Candlelight services on Christmas Eve, singing the Hallelujah Chorus with the church choir, and caroling with the neighbors... especially when it's snowing... those things are all both traditional and classy. This post? Not so much. But this is the fifth year I'm running it, so I think it has now officially become a tradition. Because I said so. And because I'm lazy it's just plain fun... and funny.


 So, here it is, my classic tale, although not exactly in the same category as Dickens, about (ahem)  inflated dreams... 

Enjoy.

****

Thought for the day: We don't stop laughing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop laughing.


No telling how many years this wreath has graced our front door.
We never made a huge production out of outdoor decorations, but every year, our kids made the same grand proclamation after we cruised our decorated-out-the-wazoo neighborhood on the way home from the candlelight service on Christmas Eve.

"The best one of all!" they'd lie as we pulled into our driveway.

Okay, so maybe they weren't really lying through their braces. Maybe anticipation of the hidden presents awaiting inside added a certain luster to their perception of our decorations.

Anyhow, I'd say decorating styles can pretty much be divvied into three categories: traditional, enlightening, and inflated. Us? We're traditionalThat means, except for an occasional new acquisition, I've pretty much used the same decorations every year. For a LOT of years. Like the ornaments that hung on my parents' tree when they were first married, some of which are now paper thin, and considerably faded with age. And a slew of decades-old goodies fashioned by our children with copious quantities of felt, glue and glitter, construction paper, walnut shells, clothespins, eyeglass lenses, and even a Mason jar lid. A black spider in a golden web and a huge decorated crab shell, both made my by sister-in-law. Boxes of tinsel painstakingly applied, strand by strand, and then painstakingly removed to store in a box for yet another year. Like I said, traditional. Well, to be more accurate, I suppose we've become more traditional cum lazy, because each year, I use less and less decorations, and some of them don't even make it down out of our attic anymore.

These singers once belonged to my grandmother.

Everybody knows the enlightening type of decorator. They're the ones with so many lights blazing in their front yards, they risk causing a blackout across three states every time they turn 'em on. Very flashy. Sometimes, they even incorporate animation and music, too, and carloads of people stop by every night to ooh and aah over their winter wonderland. It isn't at all unusual for a competition of sorts to begin when multiple enlighteners live in close proximity. (Those neighborhoods can be seen from the space station.)



And then, there's the inflatedThis is a fairly recent category. I sure don't remember seeing this sort of display when I was a kid. Nowadays, you can purchase just about any character you can think of ... inflate it ... and stick it on your front lawn. And if you can't find a particular character, for the right price, you can probably have someone make one for you. Then, all those characters can weave and bob all over your yard.











Now then, to the point of today's post. Time for a tale about a Christmas inflatable of an entirely different ilk. This story originated in 1999, and was alleged to be the winning entry to a Louisville Sentinel contest about the wildest Christmas dinner. Turns out, no such newspaper ever existed, and the writer remains unknown, but the story lives on, thanks to the good ol' Internet. (WARNING: Better put your drink down before you read it.) Now here, after a bit of minor editing on my part, is that story:




As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace every Christmas Eve. He said the only thing he wanted was for Santa to fill them, but what they say about Santa checking his list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning,  the other stockings would all be bulging with treats, but Jay's poor pitiful pantyhose were still dangling empty.

So one year, I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses, a fake nose, and a ski cap, and went in search of an inflatable love doll.

Know what? They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore. By the way, if you've never been in an X-rated store before, two words: don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there for an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and  "Who would buy that?" 

So anyway, I finally made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane, but finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry, but I settled for the bottom of the price scale: Lovable Louise. To call her a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan, and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled Jay's pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" she snapped.

 I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" she continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.

 But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why risk it? It was Christmas, and nobody wanted to spend it in the back of an ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me, waggled his eyebrows, and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend, and a few minutes later, noticed Grandpa standing by the mantel, talking to Louise. And not just talking. He was actually flirting. It was then we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants, and Granny threw down her napkin, and stomped outside to sit in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

After that, Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies, and I'm pretty sure Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

                                                     *****************

 Merry Christmas!  May all your dreams... no matter how inflated...  come true.

                                Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.


52 comments:

  1. This one is hilarious and a genuine classic. Thanks for the laughs, Susan- - and have a joyous Christmas!

    I'm writing this just after midnight on Christmas Eve and it's nearly 70 degrees!! What happened to winter??

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    1. Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

      I don't KNOW what happened to winter! It was 81 degrees where we were in Alabama... with lots of pouring rain, thunder and lightning. Felt more like summer! I heard it was about the same here in Georgia, too. It's still very very warm today. Seems odd to have to use the air conditioner in December...

      I hope you had a wonderfully peaceful Christmas, and here's wishing you all the best in the new year.

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  2. Big, big smiles.
    If it isn't true it should be.
    Our Christmas is winding down. I hope that yours is wonderful. Love and laughter to you all.

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    1. If we keep repeating the story enough times, it'll become so familiar, it'll start to feel real, anyway. :)

      We enjoyed lots of love and laughter. I hope you did, too.

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  3. Merry Christmas Susan...this was hilarious, especially when the grandpa not only flirted with the doll but then gave her mouth to mouth... too funny ;-)

    I hope you and your family enjoy the holidays xox ♡

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    1. I'm glad you got a kick out of the post, Launna. I hope you and your family had a wonderful Christmas. We did! I got such a good grandkid fix, it should keep a smile on my face for WEEKS! :)

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  4. Lovable Louise never gets old, and this Christmas story truly is a classic! Your grandma's decoration is such an elegant piece, and I'm sure it holds many happy memories Merry Christmas to you and your wonderful family, Susan!

    Julie

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    1. Yeah, you've got that right... WE keep getting another year older, but that slut Louise never ages a day... :)

      Happy New Year to you and your family, Julie.

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  5. Merry Christmas to all at your hall. I ordered my brother one of those dolls once, he wasn't impressed lol

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    1. Thanks, Pat! I hope you had a super Christmas, too.

      HA! So your brother was unappreciative, eh? Evidently, not everyone finds a Lovable Louise all that lovable... but I hope you got a good laugh out of it, anyway.

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  6. Those inflatables make my youngest son happy. I'm way more into the traditional Nativity Scene on the lawn and roof lined with lights. :) Happy to see the story again and here to wish you a Merry Christmas.

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    1. Our grandchildren love the inflatables, too, but they're set up in one of the rooms in their house. They even have a minion inflatable!

      Thanks. We had a super Christmas, and I hope you and your family did, too.

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  7. OMG, that's priceless--and hilarious, of course. Happy holidays!

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    1. I'm glad the story tickled your funny bone. :)

      Happy holidays right back atcha!

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  8. Happy Christmas, Susan. Thanks for all the encouragement, positive posts, humor and enlightenment. Your blog is a gift in itself, as you yourself are gifted. --Dude.

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    1. Thanks, dude. We had a very happy Christmas, and I hope you guys did, too. You know just the right words to say to make other people feel good. Thank you. The sentiment is mutual.

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  9. Happy Christmas Susan .. have lots of fun with the children and grandchildren and of course Smarticus - laughing all the way along ... cheers Hilary

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    1. Thanks, Hilary! Our Christmas was loverly, and I hope yours was, too,

      Cheers back atcha!

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  10. One of my favourites and still hilarious the second time around.

    Merry Christmas Susan and a Happy New Year!

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    1. I'm glad you still think this story is funny, too. No matter how many times I read it, it cracks me up.

      Thanks, kiddo! I hope you and your family had a wonderful Christmas, and let's hope for a happy new year for all of us. ("God bless us, every one.")

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  11. Yup. good thing I didn't have coffee in my mouth!

    Happy Christmas!

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    1. Yup.Good thing... :)

      Thanks. I hope you had a Happy Christmas, too!

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  12. Please continue posting this--it's funny EVERY time--Merry Christmas!!

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    1. Yes, ma'am!!!

      Thank you, and a very Happy New Year to you and yours.

      Delete
  13. Hey Susan,

    Nicely done and what a way for me to start Boxing Day. Yes, that's the day after that other day which I might cynically, or endearingly refer to as Boxing Day Eve.

    Thanks for the chuckle and speaking of inflatables, I have one that makes a sound just like a sheep. Our secret, eh! :)

    I'm going now....

    Gary

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    1. Hey, Gary,

      I hope you had a wonderful Boxing Day eve, Boxing Day, and day... make that DAYS after Boxing Day. (Get the picture?) And a very Happy New Year, too.

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  14. I can't remember how many years I've been reading your blog and how many times I've read this story...but it's like "Christmas Vacation" - a wonderful, hilarious tradition!

    I hope you have a wonderful, peaceful, and enjoyable Christmas with all the people that you love.

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad you're still enjoying my (lazy) tradition. :)

      Thanks for all the good wishes. They worked! We had a wonderful time with our son's family in Alabama. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, too. And now... a very Happy New Year

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  15. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas! We had a lot of those bobbing ones in our neighborhood this year.

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    1. Thanks! We did, and I hope you did, too.

      Our son had a bunch of those inflatables in one room of his house... they looked terrific in there, too. (He even has a Minion!)

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  16. Classic indeed. We've currently been under tornado watch in TX - but we are fine. Hope all is good in GA. Crazy weather for Santa and more. Cheers to you and your family as we navigate the holiday season. I always enjoy your posts and look forward to 2016. cheers to you, Smarticus, and the family.

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    1. It's still warm here, and raining like a son of a gun. No tornadoes nearby, though, thank goodness. I don't reckon either of us will be making a snowman any time soon. (Okay by me!)

      Cheers to y'all, too. Happy New Year!

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  17. I remember this from past years, but I still had to read it again, it's just so funny! :)
    Hope your Christmas was everything you wished for, calm, quiet, peaceful..

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    1. I'm glad you still think it's funny, because it's gonna be back again next year. (Blame Fran!)

      Christmas was everything I wished for, but since we were with four of the grandchildren, it wasn't exactly calm, quiet, OR peaceful. But it WAS fun. I hope your Christmas was wonderful, too.

      Now, Happy New Year!

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  18. Hi Susan - gosh I found that such fun - and can imagine the whole gambushe (new word I believe?!) ... honestly .. I'd have died laughing ... what fun - no wonder you want to remember and let us see it ... brilliant - cheers Hilary

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    1. Hi, Hilary. I'm glad the post tickled your funny bone. :)

      Cheers back atcha... and Happy New Year!

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  19. I love your lights and inflatables.

    What a funny story and a great idea. Hee hee. Stockings filled indeed.

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.

      Yep, evidently, there's more than one way to fill stockings. :)

      Happy New Year!

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  20. Love all the pictures to go along with this post. And I like the laughter quote too. Happy New Year!

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  21. Love all the pictures to go along with this post. And I like the laughter quote too. Happy New Year!

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    1. A DOUBLY Happy New Year! (I've learned that if I delete a duplicate comment, the first comment disappears, too.)

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  22. The inflatable doll story is priceless. Thanks for the laugh!

    As for those tacky inflated yard decorations, there was a house with about 50 of those things in the yard in a house that I passed twice a day when I lived in Michigan. A few days before my last Christmas there, we experienced an ice storm and the box elder tree in their front yard deflated every one of those inflated balloons. I assumed Jesus was getting revenge for someone doing something so tacky for his birthday-I'm just not sure why the rest of us had to live by the fireplace without power for several days.

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    1. HA! Tree trumps tacky blow-ups. Love it! I know what you mean about those powerless days after ice storms, though. Thank goodness for fireplaces!

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  23. Feliz ano novo!
    Seguimos nossa caminhada na construção de um mundo mais justo, fraterno, humano, harmonioso e de doação.
    Todos somos promotores da Paz...que começa em nossos corações e se estende a tudo que nos rodeia!!!
    Obrigada por fazer parte da minha história de vida!
    UM ABENÇOADO 2016!!!!

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    1. And a very happy new year to you, too!

      Yes, let's all wish for more peace and harmony in the world. It's a brand new year, so anything is possible.

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  24. Love all the photos.

    Wishing you a Happy New Year!

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  25. Perfect!!

    Happy New Year, Susan...and Louise...

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    1. I'm glad you thought so!

      And a very Happy New Year to you, too... from me. Louise ain't saying much. :)

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  26. So hilarious! I love this post, Susan. I hope your Christmas was an extra happy one this year. Thanks for all the laughs you share here on your blog.

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    1. Thanks, Connie. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

      December was delightful for us, and we've started out the new year on the right foot, too. I hope your Christmas was awesome, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

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