Friday, July 22, 2016

How to Push a Pill

Thought for the day:  In ancient times, cats were worshiped as gods; they have not forgotten this. [Terry Pratchett]

Okay, so it's true. Cats may possibly have a certain attitude, a superiority complex, some might even say. Then again, maybe they have cause to feel superior. After all, they're sheer geniuses when it comes to training their owners staff. It sure didn't take our cats long to train us. Plus, cats tend to be so doggone cute, they can get away with just about anything. And they know it.

People who like cats reeeeeally like cats. We love 'em, pure and simple. But they certainly aren't simple; those sometimes-cuddly, sometimes-aloof critters can be downright complicated. Their favorite food on the planet can suddenly become disdained for no good reason, especially if you're foolish enough to buy an entire case of it from the wholesale store. Yet, their nose-in-the-air pickiness over what we put into their bowls is evidently no longer in play when they're in hunt mode and looking to supplement their diets. Then, they'll eat... or try to eat... damned near anything. Bugs, plants... even the plastic and silk ones... paper, plastic, unidentified blobs they find stuck to the kitchen floor, whatever... and let us not forget how terribly much they enjoy licking each other's bottoms. Not just sniffing, like dogs do, but eyes-closed, blissful, all-out licking. Go figure. Or not. Maybe we shouldn't even try to figure out their quirks and over-the-top personalities at all; maybe all we have to do is love and enjoy them.

Last month, I shared some oh-so-helpful tips with you about how to bathe a cat. (Final decision there: best to take them to the groomer, and fork over hazard pay.) Now we're gonna consider how to give a cat a pill, which is something I hope to never have to do. With a dog, it's easy. They'll scarf up anything if you stuff it into a wad of liverwurst, cheese, bacon, or about a million other possibilities. Cats are a whole other story. They require much more finesse, along with some handy dandy directions from me, courtesy of some more Internet searching. Ready?


Okay, first you're gonna have to get into position. Cradle that sweet little kitty in your arms, as though you were about to feed him a baby bottle. Our cat Dash puts herself into my arms like this quite frequently; Dot, not so much. Let's hope your cat likes to be held in this position. Otherwise, all bets are off.

Now, position your forefinger and thumb on either side of your cat's mouth, while holding the pill in your hand. Apply gentle pressure to your cat's cheeks, forcing his mouth open like a delicate little snapdragon. Then. (ta-DA!) pop the pill into his poor unsuspecting mouth, and allow your precious to close his mouth and swallow.


You may encounter a slight set-back at this point. Don't worry about it. It's perfectly normal. Simply retrieve the pill from the floor and drag the cat out from under the sofa, and try again. You might want to use the other arm to cradle the cat this time, especially if your first arm is bleeding too profusely.




Retrieve cat from the bedroom, and throw the soggy pill away.

Get a new pill, while resisting the urge to get a new cat. This time, cradle the now-agitated cat in your left arm, while holding his rear paws tightly with your left hand. Force his jaws open, and (ta-DA!) quickly push the pill to the back of his mouth with your right forefinger. Now, hold his mouth shut for a count of ten.



Relax. Failures are common. Take a deep breath, retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl, and get the cat from his hiding-in-plain-view spot on the counter. Time to draft an assistant.

Kneel on the floor, and hold the cat in a vise grip with your knees. Grab and hold his paws. (Yes, all four of them... of COURSE you can!) Just ignore the cat's growls, you big sissy. Okay, have your helper hold the cat's head still while forcing a wooden ruler into his mouth, and then easy-does-it drop the pill down the ruler and into the cat's mouth. One of you may need to rub the cat's throat to encourage him to swallow. And then... ta-DA!



What? Still no ta-DA? (sigh) Okay, retrieve the cat from the curtains, and get another pill. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtains. Carefully sweep the shattered figurines and vases from the hearth, and set to one side for gluing later. (Assuming you're better at gluing than you are at giving a cat a pill.)

Okay, time to get serious. Tightly swaddle your cat in a large towel, leaving only his head exposed. Now have your less-than-enthusiastic helper pin the cat burrito to the floor with his body, with the yowling cat's head held in place, and just visible, below your helper's armpit. Put a pill in the end of a drinking straw, force the cat's mouth open with a pencil, and (ta-DA!) blow the pill into the cat's mouth.

Again no ta-DA?

Okay, calm down. Check the label to make sure the pill isn't harmful to humans, and then drink a beer to take the taste out of your mouth. Better? Now disinfect and bandage your helper's arm, and clean the blood from the carpet with cold water and soap.

Find and retrieve the cat. Get another pill, and open another beer. Put the cat into a cupboard, and close the door on his neck, with his head showing. Force his mouth open with a  spoon, and (ta-DA!) shoot the pill down that sucker's throat with a rubber band.

Go get a screwdriver, and fix the cupboard door. Drink the beer. Get a bottle of the hard stuff, and pour a shot of that, too, Drink it. Apply a cold compress to your cheek, and check your medical records to see when you last had a tetanus shot. Apply a whiskey compress to your cheek. Might as well have another shot while you're at it. Throw your bloody tee shirt away, and get a fresh one from the bedroom.






Grab the cat while you're in there, and take out the last pill. This is your last chance, so you'd better get it right this time. Tie your cat's paws together like a roped calf, and secure your helpless little feline heifer to the dining room table leg. Push that pill into his mouth, followed by a large piece of steak. (which you just happened to have handy...) Now pour a couple pints of water down his throat to wash it down.

Have another drink of booze for medicinal purposes, before having your helper drive you to the emergency room. This allows you to sit quietly while the doctor stitches your fingers and arm, and removes the pill remnants from your eye. Call the furniture store on the way home to order a new table.


Arrange for SPCA to collect that mutant cat from hell and call the local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Natch, this whole post is in jest. No way I'd ever attempt to give my little angels a pill. If they need a pill, their vet can jolly well administer it. That's why he gets paid the big bucks...


                             Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other. 

P.S. For those of you who are too cheap to pay full price too busy interested, Amazon will be selling the e-version of Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade for the paltry sum of ninety-nine cents next week. 






67 comments:

  1. You knew you'd get me with this one, Susan. I was howling with laughter all the way through (and it takes a heckuva lot to make me howl). Only a cat owner can fully identify with this - - and only a cat lover would put up with it.

    Fortunately, I've never had to give any of my cats pills. And I know that if I ever tried, I'd eventually be the one who unwittingly ingested it. Kitties have minds of their own.....as you brilliantly demonstrated.

    While I'm on a roll, one more thought:
    Cats are indeed EXTREMELY finicky when it comes to food. They consistently ignore the pricy gourmet kitty chow that we buy them - and prefer to eat lint off the floor.

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    1. Gee, if this post made you laugh out loud, I'll have to rate it a rousing success. :)

      HA! Yeah, there is NO explaining the eating preferences of cats. Our girls like to "keep me on my toes" by changing what they like from day to day. What they love one day, they'll turn their finicky little noses up at the next. But Dot cannot resist nibbling on paper. My writing pads all have ragged edges, thanks to her.

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    2. Seriously, Susan, I think this is the funniest post you ever wrote - and the cat photos enhance the hilarity. I love the cat hiding in plain view.

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  2. We have had cats which we had to pill. Some of them took their pills like little furry angels. Some of them didn't. The little furry angels were sneaky though. We have found soggy pills disgorged behind the furniture before now - long after we thought they had been swallowed.
    And one of our cats actually ate her antibiotics from my hand. Until she decided she was better. My blood was shed convincing her to have the last two or three...
    And yes, I do love them. I don't always like or trust them, but I love them.

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    1. HA! That's the funny things about cats. Even when you thing they're being furry little angels, they're actually doing something sneaky. (the stinkers!)

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  3. Jest or not, there is a major flaw in this system. Retrieving the cat. Can't be done, not when said cat knows damn well you are trying to give him something he doesn't want.
    Also, if I tried to cradle Angel I'd lose an arm and maybe half my face. He simply does not like to be held. At all.

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    1. HA! Yeah, you've got a point. But there wouldn't have been much opportunity for humor if I wrote the truth: "If your first attempt at administering a pill isn't successful, your cat may go into hiding, and you may not be able to find her for a week."

      The last cat we had only wanted to be held when he was in the mood, which was a very rare occurrence. The two we have now ALWAYS want to be held.

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  4. Hi Susan - I'm not happy when I'm house-sitting and am left with a cat that needs a pill .. they are not the easiest to say the least - wonderful story line here ... they are so different ...

    Cheers and I do love the critters! Hilary

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    1. Oh no! Trying to give a pill to you own cat would be bad enough, but giving a pill to somebody ELSE'S? OY!!! No, thank you. I had no idea you were such a brave lady. :)

      Cheers back atcha!

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  5. I've never owned a cat. But I do agree with Pratchett that cats never got over being worshiped in Egypt. :)

    Loved your photos and post!

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    1. No, I don't think they ever got over it, either. They all have a certain "attitude."

      Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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  6. The pictures and those in my mind as I read this post made me laugh so hard. I have used some of these methods and have been successful at times with little or no bloodshed. The best way that I have found is to smash the pill and mix it in their favorite food and hope that they eat some of it before deciding it is no longer to their liking.

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    1. I'm glad the post triggered some memories and tickled your funny bone. (Dogs are sooooo much easier, aren't they?)

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  7. Beautiful text, I love it!
    And I also love cats - although I don't have one, because my husband doesn't understand them. Cats choose who they are going to love, and they're very selective... sincere creatures.

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    1. Thanks, Ana. I'm glad you liked it. :)

      For most of his life, my husband didn't think he liked cats. I'm happy to say he learned otherwise. (Maybe your husband will come around, too.)

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  8. of course cats love me, especially if I"m wearing black pants. No scratches here. And I highly recommend that folks gulp a lot of Cold Lemonade.......!!! Another summer week flew by. Enjoy your weekend

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    1. HA! I think cats are naturally attracted to you because they know how much it bugs you. :)

      You have a super weekend, too.

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  9. lol they sure think they own everything and everyone. Ugg to giving a pill. The cat takes it and swallows and is on his way if I give it to him, if the vet does it, pffft tear his arm off. Cassie is the opposite. Damn cat sat with the pill in her mouth for 30 minutes while I sat on her once and then spit it out and walked away when I thought it had dissolved

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    1. Yep, for sure. Cats are like Yertle the Turtle: they think they're kings and queens of all they can see.

      HA! I can just imagine you pinning the cat for half an hour, only to have her walk away and spit the pill out.

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  10. This is hilarious! Fortunately, I have not had to give Bootsy any pills. His medicine was given via syringe. And it was banana-flavored, which he seemed to like. Cats can be so ornery!

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. I HAVE given de-worming meds to a cat before, and that wasn't too bad. But I, um, don't know what its flavor was, because I didn't taste it, and she didn't tell me. :)

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  11. Funniest post I've read in a long time!!

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  12. You can take the prescription to an apothecary. They can liquidify most and you can administer via syringe! Another - put pill in straw. Put one end of straw in your mouth. Do not inhale or swallow. Put other end of straw in feline's mouth. NOW BLOW HARD! Make sure this is captured on video because it really never works.

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    1. If you say so. Tell ya what, since YOU now have FOUR cats, you can demonstrate the straw method the next time we come up to visit. :)

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  13. This was hilarious. I'm glad I've never had to give either of my cats pills yet. I imagine it would go a lot like this. I still have permanent scars in various locations across both arms from cats throughout my lifetime. And those are the ones that LIKED me. Imagine if I encountered one that didn't.

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    1. I'm sure the cats scratched you in a very loving way. :)

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  14. Hilarious post and so true! I have had to give a cat a pill and you pretty much nailed how it goes. I had a few successes by crumbling the pill into dust and then stirring it into a little bit of chicken flavor baby food until the cat caught on. Then the next time she turned up her nose at the the pill-laced baby food. It was always a struggle.

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    1. I'm glad you liked it, and kudos for surviving your personal cat pill adventures. :)

      Have a super weekend!

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  15. Susan, I laughed out loud ... and I mean hysterically, my cat went into hiding and I am sure my neighbors wondered if I was possessed... I had to share this all over my social media... I so needed a good laugh, things have been insanely crazy these days and you put a huge smile on my face... (I had one cat I could give a pill, I loved that cat and the other one I should have paid someone to give her the pill xox )

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    1. :) I'm glad to hear it. Laughter's good for whatever ails you.

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  16. I've always been fond of cats. They insist upon independence and the option of freedom along with allegiance to collective way of life. I suspect they taught us most of what we know about government by discussion and preservation of liberty. Still, I hear them outside at night calling each other the most awful things. Is there a pill that spares us that exercise during election years?

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    1. HA! I wish there were a pill that could spare us all of the election year caterwauling. We could serve it up to them inside of a heaping slice of humble pie. (Not that any of them would eat it... they're even worse than cats.)

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  17. Oh yeah, giving a cat a pill is one of those things you really need to get right the first time, because you probly won't get a second chance once your cat sees what you're up to.

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    1. Yep, you've got that right. Cats are both smart and fast, a potent combination when you're trying to persuade them to do something they don't want to do.

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  18. Too funny!! We went right to the towel when it came time to trim our late kitty's claws. A pill? I would have rather shot myself!

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    1. Hmmm, I've never tried using the towel method while trimming our cats' nails. Maybe I should...

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  19. Dear Susan, wonderful, wonderful photographs - and a hilarious text! I do want a cat - but son in Bavaria (who loves them too very much) reminds me that we have only a large flat in Berlin, with a balcony, and a common backyard garden - "not enough!" - and that I travel a lot and even growl when I have to find a balcony-sitter. So I will wait a little longer... and watch beautiful documentations about cats (and fie to the horrible Middle Ages, where the church was so much against cats - there is a reason, why they often draw a witch with a cat on her shoulder...) I love the Egyptian way to worship cats much more!

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    1. Dear Britta,

      Thanks! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. We cat lovers have to stick together. :)

      I hope you're able to let a cat own you sometime in the near future, and I'm sure he'd be happy to allow you to worship him as much as you'd like.

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    2. Interesting that you assume - and are totally right - that a "Tomcat" would choose me :-)

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  20. I've never been owned by a cat, but your account made me laugh so hard!
    Once in 6th grade I tried smuggling home a kitten ... carefully nestled its box in the bathtub together with a ticker (to soothe) and fell sound asleep ... totally missing that 'ticker'/alarm going off in the wee hours. Not counting my father jumping out of bed and running into the wall and stubbing his toe on the bed post, I've often wondered if that poor furball was ever the same.

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    1. HA! You probably scarred that poor kitty for life! (Not to mention your father's toe...)

      I'm glad the post made ya laugh. Now my mission is complete. :)

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  21. Ha, ha, ha! This was funny!

    Oddly, our cat will scarf down a pill if it's included in something yummy. It's our dog who can somehow manage to eat the treat and spit out the pill -- sometimes holding it in her mouth for a long time until she thinks you aren't looking.

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.

      Wow, so YOU got that one cat in the whole world who will scarf down a pill, eh? Too funny about your dog. Reminds me of a dog we had years ago who loved certain people foods like chili and beef stew. When she ate the stew, she's gobble everything down but the peas. Her bowl would be licked clean, but there'd be a line of peas on the floor beside it.

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  22. I was smiling and laughing throughout your entire post...and then, at cat burrito I had to laugh out loud. Love the pictures to go with your post. That cat hiding in plain sight on the shelf is hilarious!

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    1. Thanks! The "cat burrito" line came easily, because Smarticus sometimes wraps the grandkids up in blankets to make giggly "burritos" out of them when they're playing. :)

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  23. Hilarious but sadly true. I have tried most of those pill administering methods. I have had the same vet for my cats for over thirty years. He knows that he is the only human in my life capable of doing this task. Many years ago, with one of my cats who has long gone, following an ear cleaning session at the vets, he kindly mopped blood from my arm. I reminded him that I could clean it up myself. I suspect he thought I was a cat!

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    1. I think the reason it's so darned funny is because it's so true. It takes a very brave soul (or a masochist) to administer pills to a cat. Thank goodness for vets!

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  24. So true.... We tried to give our shy, scared cat some relaxants when we flew them to our new home. I think the stress of trying to give him a pill cancelled out any anti-anxiety the medicine may have given.

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    1. Probably didn't do much to improve YOUR anxiety level, either.

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  25. Hahahahahahah!!! Just had to give Beest 2 weeks of antibis again. It's beyond the pill syringe, beyond the swaddling and forcing. Now it's crush it in her wet food and starve her of everything else until she eats it all. Cats.
    Some day I have to meet you, just so you can sign my copy!
    x

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    1. I'm glad the post made you laugh, but am sorry you're living this particular experience with your cat right now. Those little buggers are soooo smart. (Smarter than most politicians...)

      I'd love to meet you, too. :)

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  26. Well done, I think you've captured all the possibilities! Poor kitty owners! My puppy fell for the pill in cheese for a while and then we began finding the remnants all over the house. She fooled us! :)

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    1. We used to have a dog who would eat ANY kind of pill if I wrapped it in liverwurst. Just one big gulp, and it was gone!

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  27. Oh, dear. Sounds like humans need some of the nine lives a cat has in order to feed 'em a pill, LOL. Makes me glad I own a dog... XD

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    1. HA! Dogs are awesome, but even with their attitudes, cats are awesome, too. :)

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  28. One of my cats has asthma and I have to give him a daily pill. He's pretty good about it.

    I've done the burrito on my wilder cats. Not fun. He wriggles out.

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    1. Yowza! I'm sure glad your kitty is a sport about taking a pill every day. With the way our girls carry on when I trim their nails, I don't even want to think about having to administer medication to them.

      Wow. Asthma. I didn't even realize cats could get that. Poor thing.

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  29. I love the picture of the cat hanging on the curtain :) makes me smile and laugh. Cats are my soul animal.

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    1. Just about anything cats do make me smile and laugh. :)

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  30. Love your cats almost as much as I loved my cats (I don't have them any more - I'm too busy wandering!)

    You wanted to know when Frogs was on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/31276360-frogs-and-frigate-birds?from_search=true

    And many thanks.

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    1. Yeah, you're too much of a gadabout to have pets these days. More power to ya. :)

      Super! Okay, thanks, I'll post a review there now.

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  31. Oh My goodness this was just the best.
    Cat Burrito !

    cheers, parsnip and thehamish

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. (Haven't you ever made a burrito out of one of your pooches...?)

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