Friday, October 28, 2016

Halloween Groaners

Thought for the day:  Diamonds are a ghoul's best friend.

It's that time of year again. Monday's Halloween, so it'll once again be time for witches, goblins, vampires, ghosts and other things that go bump in the night to be out prowling the streets in search of candy and fun. 'Tis the time of year when, out of selfless pursuit of an atmosphere more suitable for playing holiday games of hide and shriek, it's perfectly acceptable for me to allow dust bunnies and cobwebs to multiply unabated. (That's my story, anyway...)

I'm not gonna try to scare you with a re-run about a creepy haunted doll this year. Nope. If you do any groaning this year, it'll be because of some bad puns and jokes.  Shall we begin?

Where we grew up, there was a fairly long road between my parents' neighborhood and the main avenue, where the Carlton movie theater was located. That long road was lined with graveyards on both sides. Not a problem walking to the movie, but I'll admit, the walk home in the dark was a bit more daunting, what with eerie lights (shudder) reflecting off the gravestones. (Not to mention the scary noises a certain person whose name I won't mention, but whose initials are Smarticus... liked to make as we passed those cemeteries...) Whether you find cemeteries to be frightening or peaceful, they're a common setting for numerous Halloween stories and jokes. Like this one...

[morguefile]
One dark Halloween, a couple of men were walking home from a party, and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Ahead of them, they heard an eerie tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they tip-toed toward the sound, and found an old man hunched over a gravestone with a hammer and chisel.  Relieved that it was only a workman, one of the men said, "Mister, you scared us half to death... we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working so late at night?"

"Those idiots!" the old man roared. "They spelled my name wrong!"








[morguefile]

Let's ramp it up a little. Let's add a full moon for this story...

On the outskirts of a small rural town in south Georgia, a huge pecan tree grew just inside the cemetery fence. One evening, two boys snuck into the cemetery to gather enough pecans for their mothers to bake some pies. After they'd amassed a good pile of them, the boys sat down beside the tree, leaned against its massive trunk, and divided the pecans into two buckets. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..." said Tommy. In the process, some of the pecans dropped, and rolled over to the fence. 

Another boy, riding past on his bicycle, thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, so he stopped to investigate. Sure enough, he heard it again, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..."

With the hair standing up on his neck, he jumped back on his bike and took off as fast as he could. Just around the bend, he saw an old man with a cane taking a slow laborious evening stroll. "You aren't going to believe what I just heard at the cemetery!" the boy said. "The Lord and Satan are dividing up the souls!"

"This I've got to see," the old man replied.

The boy walked his bike back to the cemetery, with the old man hobbling slowly beside him. When they reached the fence, sure enough, they both heard the voices. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy you were telling the truth! Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, but were still unable to see anything. They gripped the fence tighter and tighter as they strained to get a peek at the Lord.

Then they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all we have here. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done..."

They say the old man dropped his cane, and had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

******



  • Know why you can always count on vampires? They always come through in the neck of time. 
  • What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
  • Do ya know why mummies don't have any close friends? They're too wrapped up in themselves. Besides, their taste in music is way too narrow. All they ever listen to is wrap. 
  • Did you ever wonder why there are no famous skeletons? Simple. They're a bunch of no bodies. 
  • What's a good play to see on Halloween? Romeo and Ghouliet.
  • Have you ever wondered if ghosts ever haunt living rooms?
  • Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? Nope. They always eat the fingers separately.
  • What's a good Halloween meal? Fettucini a-fraid-o, with a cold Blood Lite, and for dessert? I-scream, of course. To make the meal even more memorable, play some haunting music in the background. Perhaps Mr. Skeleton would even agree to play his trom-bone for you...
  • What did the vampire say to the invisible man? Long time, no see!
  • How did the invisible man respond? Goodbye, sucker!
 As I was going up the stair, I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today... oh how I wish he'd go away! [William Hughes Mearns]





Ever been to a costume party? The gal in this last story probably wishes she'd stayed home...


A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party, but the gal got a terrible headache, and told her husband to go without her. So he reluctantly grabbed his costume, wished her well, and took off. After taking some aspirin and sleeping for an hour, the wife awoke feeling much better, so she decided to surprise her husband by putting on her costume and joining him at the party. She thought it'd be fun to watch him for a while from behind her mask before letting him know she was there, so she could find out how he behaved when she wasn't around. 

To her surprise, she found him cavorting on the dance floor, dancing and flirting with every woman in sight, copping feels, stealing kisses, and having a grand old time. She decided to get in on the fun, and sidled up to him seductively and smiled. He immediately abandoned his current dance partner, and turned all of his attention to her. They smooched and cuddled, and pressed their bodies together during the slow dances, until he finally whispered in her ear, and she happily agreed to join him outside in a car for an exciting marital romp. 

She left just before the unmasking at midnight. At home, she put the costume away and crawled into bed with a book, wondering what he'd say about his evening. When he came in, she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" 


He replied, "Not at all. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you what, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a helluva good time!" 

*************





Whatever your horrorscope may say, and however you choose to celebrate Halloween this year, I hope it's a frightfully boootiful one. Have fun, but don't eat too much chocolate. Oh who am I kidding? As if that were even possible...

                       Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

On Halloween, parents send their kids out looking like me. [Rodney Dangerfield]

Whew! It's hard to believe, but another month is about kaput. That means next Wednesday will be the monthly gathering for the Insecure Writer's Support Group, which means I'll be posting on Wednesday next week instead of Friday. Hope to seeya then. 






56 comments:

  1. Groan.
    And thank you.
    I am still smiling at the thought that with the right incentive my aged and decrepit body could find a turn of speed.

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    1. Yep, with the right incentive, there's no telling what we might be able to do. We might all have untapped super powers!

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  2. Love the jokes and cartoons, LOVE the header picture, I've saved that to make a bookmark.

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    1. That'll make a very cool-looking bookmark. Will you only use it when you're reading scary books...? :)

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  3. Hi Susan - such fun to read ... just the kind of things the kids and adults would like ... wonderful ... Happy Halloween with your kids young and old! Cheers Hilary

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    1. Happy Halloween to you, too!

      Cheers back atcha.

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  4. lmao they were rather cheesy, but I snickered to myself. Being that spry would be nice in old age.

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    1. Hey! We need a little cheese to balance out all the candy.

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  5. Ha ha and Happy Halloweeen to you and Smarticus :)

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    1. Same to you! (Don't forget to practice safe hex!)

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  6. Ha ha ha ha! Love this post! I laughed out loud at the zombie and popcorn joke. :)

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    1. Good! Laughter is like exercise for our insides, only more fun. :)

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  7. What a fun post! Loved all the stories and jokes, especially the first one at the cemetery. (That twist ending was so amusing and priceless!) Such a perfect post for my favorite holiday... :)

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  8. The one about the wife coming to the party late was good!

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  9. very fun stories and jokes. Boo!!!
    I'll be dressed as a writer once again- a poor penniless hobo! Enjoy your weekend. We're still hot enough here for pumpkins to melt into mush

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    1. Boo who? (I didn't mean to make you cry...)

      The temperature's back up here, too. Gonna be 86 degrees on Monday. (At least the trick-or-treaters won't have to wear coats!)

      Have a super weekend.

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  10. The cheesy ones are always the best.

    Apparently this is a true tale.
    On his way to deliver a coffin, the coffin maker's car broke down.
    In order to meet his deadline, (no pun intended) he put the coffin on his head and decided to carry it to the funeral parlour.
    A passing policeman stopped him and asked where he was going. The man replied "I didn't like where I was buried so I'm relocating." The policeman fainted.

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    1. HA! That's a good one. (Maybe the policeman should have taken a couple swigs of Robitussin... you know, to "stop the coughin'...")

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  11. You are absolutely crazy and/or brilliant. Can't pick a single one that wasn't my favorite!

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  12. Fun post! I liked the story about the wife who thought she was dancing with her husband at the party. Happy Halloween to you! Watch out for the gremlins and ghouls. :)

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    1. Happy Halloween to you, too! We've got a bunch of candy, so we're ready... even if no trick or treaters come to the door. (Natch, I got candy that WE like.)

      Have a super weekend.

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  13. I can't stop laughing. Thanks. Loved this post.

    Greetings from London.

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    1. Cool! I'm glad the post tickled your funny bone. :)

      Greetings back atcha.

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  14. wahahahahahahahaha
    Great post today ! Every story was a hoot.
    A friend sent me the first conic and I loved it.

    cheers, parsnip

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  15. It's a pleasure to be treated with laughs rather than tricked with frights. Thanks for a delightful post - - Halloween has always been my favorite time of year.....

    .....undoubtedly because vampires lurk in my ancestry.

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    1. I'm glad you liked it, cowboy. Or maybe I should call you Count...? (To prove how "sophisticated" my sense of humor is, my favorite cartoon is the one about Count Flatula...) :)

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  16. October went by in a flash. It's almost time to buy the Thanksgiving turkey. Oh, wait! I already have him. His name is Willy Dunne Wooters.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. HA! I've been married to my turkey for more than 47 years now. (So it's perfectly okay if we occasionally tell them to "Stuff it!"... right?)

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  17. Really fun post, Susan! All I can offer is some history of poem, "Antigonish", by Wm. Hughes Mearns, published 1922 --"I met a man who wasn't there..."

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it dude. Thanks for the info on the poet. :) I'll add his name to the post right now!

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  18. Ah, that last story! Funny, funny, funny!

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  19. Great fun, Susan! Sometimes jokes are so corny, ya just have to laugh. I love Halloween and have been celebrating to the best of my ability all of October. Monday, I’ll costume up and dance in the streets—literally. Hope it doesn't rain. :)

    Happy Halloween!

    VR Barkowski

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    1. Yep, and I am well-known for telling THE corniest jokes. (Especially after a glass of wine... then I do dialects, and everything. HA!)

      I hope it doesn't rain on your parade. I love the thought of a crowd of costumed people dancing in the streets. (You gonna be a witch, or is that too much of a cliche?)

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  20. Dear Susan, that was really funny, thank you! I admired that husband - if she believed his quickly invented story, she will believe everything... :-) (I know that it is meant otherwise, but I think it this way..)
    Germany has a problem with horror-clowns at the moment, police is now on it.
    I never liked clowns - not in circus nor in politics :-)

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    1. Dear Britta,

      HA! Your inner cynic is showing! It never even occurred to me that the husband might be lying. (Why yes, I am just a teensy bit gullible.) :)

      Creepy clowns have been in the news here, too, but most of the alleged sightings have turned out to be false. In some cases, the authorities have actually sent children home from school to get them out of harm's way. From clowns. What IS the world coming to? I must admit, I like some clowns, but like you, I wish we didn't have so many of them in politics. :)

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  21. Loving these jokes and puns!!! My fav is Count Flatula ... I suspect my father's side of the family are direct descendants. (My aunts and uncles used to call it, "Willer disease"!)

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    1. Ah, I see your sense of humor is as sophisticated as mine. :) I think the Count Flatula cartoon is a real hoot. (Or should I say... toot?)

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  22. Such a great collection! And OMG to the story about the husband loaning his costume to someone. That's hilarious!

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    1. Somehow, I don't think the guy's wife would find it very funny. :)

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  23. Those were some funnny ones. The boy and the old man at the fence was my fave. :) Happy Halloween!

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    1. I'm glad they tickled your funny bone. I hope you had a very happy Halloween. (We only had ONE trick or treater come to the door, so we have waaaaay too much candy left...)

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  24. I groaned so hard I think I pulled a back muscle. Thank you for that. That's not sarcastic, either - these are the exact kinds of jokes I love to torture my wife with, even a day after Halloween!

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    1. HA! Now, don't be blaming me for that kind of spousal abuse. :)

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  25. I loved them all but the one with the couple of nuts by the fence had me laughing out loud.

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    1. Laughing out loud is my favorite kind of exercise. (And darned near my ONLY kind...)

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