Friday, September 29, 2017

Odds 'n' Ends

Thought for the day: If you have a junk drawer for holding various odds and ends and there's only one item left in the drawer... what do you call it?




This is gonna be an odds and ends kinda post. No deep thinking or brainstorms required, but you may possibly get a chuckle or two out of it. That's the plan, anyway. I pulled the following two items out of a folder on my computer comprised of stuff I might use on my blog someday. Might as well pick today. First, we're going to tackle that age-old question as to why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side, right? Or maybe the reason is much more nefarious...



                                        Why DID That Darned Chicken Cross The Road?

SARAH PALIN:  The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs.  No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs.  Period.

JOHN McCAIN:  My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:  What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH:  We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.  We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.  The chicken is either with us or against us.  There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY:  Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL:  Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON:  I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE:  I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY:  Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!  It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions.  I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON:  Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL:  The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road.  What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly.  So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER:  We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE:  That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty!  You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:  No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going.  I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.  No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road?  Did he cross it with a toad?  Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL:  Because the chicken was gay!  Can't you people see the plain truth?  That's why they call it the 'other side.'  Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay.  If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.  I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.'  That chicken should not be crossing the road.  It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn't that interesting?  In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:  Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:  I have just released eChicken2017, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.  Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2017.  This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:  Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS:  Did I miss one?

******************

So how many people did I offend? Oh, wait! You in back... sorry I left you out. Let's try again with this one... about two doctor pals with great senses of humor.

[image courtesy of morguefile]

Two fellas, great friends since childhood, graduated from med school at the same time and decided to open a practice together so they could share office space and personnel. Problem was, their specialties didn't exactly go hand and glove... one was a psychiatrist; and the other, a proctologist. So they put their heads together to brainstorm an appropriate sign to advertise their new practice.

Their first sign read... Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones-- Hysterias and Posteriors

The town council considered the sign unacceptable and made them change it.

Okeydoke. So they went with...  Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

Nope. Still not acceptable.

Then... Catatonics and High Colonics

'Fraid not.

Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.

Nuh-uh.

Minds and Behinds

No way.

Lost Souls and Butt Holes

Definitely not!

Nuts and Butts

Nope.

Freaks and Cheeks

No go.

Loons and Moons

Thumbs down again.

Their brainstorms in serious danger of running dry, they finally came up with a sign that passed muster with the council...  Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones --- Specializing in Odds and Ends.

*****************

                              Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.




55 comments:

  1. Smiling broadly.
    Thank you. Any day without laughter is a tragedy. And these tales will keep me laughing for days.

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  2. Thanks for this fun post, I so needed a smile this morning! Have a great weekend, hugs, Valerie

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    1. I'm glad you liked it. You have a super weekend, too!

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  3. Nuts and Butts sounds just right to me, although Freaks and Cheeks is good too.
    I think that chicken was just running away from all those people who wanted to know where he was going and why.

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    1. I like the rhyming ones, too. The ones you mentioned, plus "Minds and Behinds."

      HA! You could be right. I guess he was too chicken to stand his ground. :)

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  4. Hi Susan - love these ... Einstein's is the best of the first lot ... while the 2nd ones just amuse ... well kept Mrs Smarticus - you pulled the cat out of the bag here ... cheers Hilary

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    1. Hi-ya, Hilary! I like the Einstein one, too, but my favorites are Hemingway and Col. Sanders.

      Thank you, dear lady. Cheers back atcha.

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  5. I did not cross the road with that chicken.
    -that made me burst out laughing.
    I enjoyed this post very much. Thank you for that :)

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    1. Great! Laughter is exercise for the inside, and we need to do it as often as possible. (And there are no special clothes or shoes required!)

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  6. I enjoyed reading, very humorous. A well written piece, well done. Brought a few smiles to my face, and raised a few chuckles! Ha.

    Thank you. Love love, Andrew. Bye.

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  7. Could have went with asses squared. I'm sure some nuts are an ass. Put up a pic of a donkey and there you go lol

    The chicken sure has a lot of people thinking about it.

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    1. HA! "Asses squared" would work, but I think the council would have pooh-poohed that one, too. :)

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  8. Wow, you are very creative! How do you come up with all of these?

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    1. Easy. I have a sick mind. :) In truth, these were sent to me by someone or another some time ago, so I didn't actually "create" them at all. I just saved them until I wanted to use 'em.

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  9. The doctor one was hilarious! It made me think of that old Seinfeld episode where Kramer accidentally gets the vanity plate for the proctologist.... :)

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    1. I'm glad you liked it. I must confess, I was never a big Seinfeld fan, so I missed that episode. (Sounds like the premise had a lot of potential for laughs, though!)

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  10. Loved them all. Best one for the doctors was "Minds and Behinds. It is great when you can start your day off with a laugh.

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    1. I like that one, too. Yep, it's always good to start with a laugh, to end with a laugh, and to throw in a bunch more chuckles in the middle.

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  11. Smiles are always appreciated here at my house. Great way to start the day ! Thank you ! It's amazing how many even think about the chicken crossing the road. That is a classic for sure and never grows old...HE He HA!

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    1. The "chicken crossing the road" jokes have been around for a long time. When my hubby and I have roast chicken, after we carve off the legs and wings, we always say, "THIS one won't be crossing the road!"

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  12. Chickens cross the road because they have a death wish.

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  13. I did not cross the road with that chicken and I invented that chicken, I really had to laugh at those two because I can almost hear them saying it ha ha.

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  14. Finger licking good post. Funny stuff and yes, you are odd in a good way. Happy Friday

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    1. HA! That should be my motto: "Odd, but in a good way." Love it!

      Have a super weekend.

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  15. I always liked chickens, my favourite this yes is Pearl ... smiles ... as every morning she lays her egg in my dog food dish right on da porch ... right after Piwo, my black lab dog empties it ... when I come home from work late (psych ward), he has to wait to be fed ... he has to wait, which means she has to wait ... and wait she does ... sitting the hedge nearby and clucking away, saying: What the cluck? ... Welcome to the funny farm, friend Sue ... smiles ... Love, cat.

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    1. ... this year ... ( I hate spelling mistakes) ... meouw ... Love, cat.

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    2. Pearl sounds like a very polite chicken. :)

      Have a wonderful weekend, dear cat.

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  16. Not sure which was funnier - Al Gore or Colonel Sanders!

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  17. You got multiple chuckles out of me! :-)

    Greetings from London.

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    1. Hey! Welcome back, Mario! I'm glad you found some chuckles. :)

      Greetings back atcha.

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  18. I like grandpa's answer, Also the first cartoon. Oh, how true!

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    1. Ah, yes, life was so much simpler in Grandpa's day, when nobody questioned anything... :)

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  19. Oh My Goodness, I love all of them ! What a great post one of your best.
    So wonderful and they made me laugh.
    Al Gore, Dick Cheney and Colonel Sanders were very funny. John McCain is my hero so I just like him.

    cheers, parsnip

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    1. Awesome! I'm glad to hear they made you laugh. ;)

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  20. The proposed doctors' signage is a hoot! I have to wonder if some of the 'rejects' wouldn't attract more attention.
    Happy weekend!

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    1. Some of those rejects would have caught MY attention! (I mean, who doesn't want a doctor with a sense of humor, right?)

      Happy weekend to you, too!

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  21. Another brilliant and delightfully amusing post, Susan. I really cracked up over the chicken thing - it is so apt! Hard to choose a favorite, but I liked Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell, and Hemingway. And Al Gore.

    Anyway, thanks for the laughs. Gawd knows, I needed them.

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    1. Gawd knows, I'm glad you found something here to laugh about. :)

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  22. Oh, Susan! The chicken crossed the road to get to the other side. It's that simple! Even an old Bear knows that truth.

    Blessing and Bear hugs.

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  23. It's good to be back to blogging, I missed you weekly updates that always made me chuckle xox

    The doctors signs were funny... I'm not that creative xox

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    1. Welcome back, young lady! I hope you're feeling a lot better now. (Consider yourself hugged.)

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  24. Haha...what fun on why did the chicken cross? So creative, too!

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  25. Hahaha, love that story with the doctors. Got a good chuckle out of all those signs of theirs--so clever! XD

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    1. Super! I'm glad they tickled your funny bone. :)

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  26. LMAO Boy did I need that! Thanks!
    x

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    1. Boy, I'm glad you found it! You're welcome. XO

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