Friday, March 27, 2020

Happy Trails to You

Thought for the day: Please don't squeeze the... HEY! Where's the Charmin???


This is a common sight all over the world right now.
If poor ol' Mr. Whipple from the old Charmin television ads were still alive, wouldn't he be astounded? I mean, his very raison d'etre has disappeared. There's absolutely no reason to warn anyone not to squeeze the Charmin these days, because there's none left in the stores for anyone to squeeze... or buy.

Maybe we should blame the mysterious disappearing t.p. on those darned bears... (Or should I say bares?)

Believe me, I'm not making light of COVID-19. Like many of you, my hubby and I are both in the high risk category. But...( Or should I say butt?) as usual, I think the best way to cope with what's happening is with humor. (Surprise!)

So how about a silly little poem/song? (You can imagine me picking my guitar and singing, if you will...)

               ♪♫♪♫

The pandemic news is scary,
And no telling what's to come.
We're locked down in isolation,
And some brains have gotten numb.
That's the simplest explanation
For this obsession oh-so-dumb.
The world's kinda crumbling around them
So– they crave paper to wipe their bum??? 

CHORUS:
Buy it, buy it, and then buy some more.
Stack it in the closets; pile it on the floor.
Stash it in the basement; stuff it in the car.
Drink up all your bourbon, and then store it in your bar.
Throw out all your furniture; you can use it as your bed.
Build towers to the ceiling, and then fill a backyard shed.
Ignore your grumpy neighbors when they look at you and frown,
Because you're gonna have the cleanest butt in town.

Like a swarm of hungry locusts,
They ravage every store,
Grabbing every roll in sight
And then moving on for more.
This worldwide troop of buttheads,
Perhaps a million strong,
Care only about their precious rears
As they sing their hoarding song:

CHORUS:
Buy it, buy it, and then buy some more.
Stack it in the closets; pile it on the floor.
Stash it in the basement; stuff it in the car.
Drink up all your bourbon, and then store it in your bar.
Throw out all your furniture; you can use it as your bed.
Build towers to the ceiling, and then fill a backyard shed.
Ignore your grumpy neighbors when they look at you and frown,
Because you're gonna have the cleanest butt in town.

Fat rolls, thin rolls, packs from four to forty-eight;
Soft stuff, rough stuff, and stuff that ain't too great.
It really doesn't matter... it's all about the hunt.
"Let no roll go unpurchased!" (A stinky selfish stunt.)
Until this pandemic's over and the panic buys grow still, 
They'll amass more toilet paper to leave their children in a will.
This behavior is atrocious; I think it's very wrong,
But that happy horde of hoarders still crow their hoarding song:

CHORUS:
Buy it, buy it, and then buy some more.
Stack it in the closets; pile it on the floor.
Stash it in the basement; stuff it in the car.
Drink up all your bourbon, and then store it in your bar.
Throw out all your furniture; you can use it as your bed.
Build towers to the ceiling, and then fill a backyard shed.
Ignore your grumpy neighbors when they look at you and frown,
Because you're gonna have the cleanest butt in town...
♪♫ The cleeeeeanest buuutt in toooooown.... ♫♪

Okay, was that silly enough for you? No? Good, because I've got some cartoons for ya, too.










(Dime bags of t.p....)



our heroes... always eager to help
 Don't forget! It's more important than EVER to WASH YOUR HANDS!!! But...


              Until next time, hunker down and take care of yourselves. And keep smiling.

P.S.  On Wednesday, I took advantage of the early morning hour of shopping set aside just for us old farts at our local grocery store, and I thought I'd do you guys a solid by sharing a valuable public service announcement with you:



                                                                  You're welcome.

61 comments:

  1. Love your song - and the funnies.
    The fourth one down explains why kitty litter shelves are also bare here at the moment. My partner made me wince a few days ago by saying 'well what else are people to do when there is no toilet paper'.
    Stay well - and stay laughing.

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    1. Thanks. I'm glad you liked 'em.

      Cat litter was missing from the shelves here, too... could be... (Luckily, I've never been a hoarder, but I do believe in being prepared, so we're okay as far as t.p. and kitty litter go... for now...)

      You, too. Please take care of yourself. Lots of people love you.

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    2. Huge thanks. I never feel lovable but am endlessly grateful for the support I receive in the blogosphere. I hope you and Smarticus are well. I continue to hold you in my crowded heart.

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    3. Time for you to update your feelings, because you are most definitely lovable.

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    4. I have an aged 2240 page dictionary on stand by for BUM wipe, Probably start at the Zeds the least used.

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    5. Sounds like a plan! Too bad Sears doesn't make catalogs anymore.

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  2. Thanks for the laughs, so necessary just now. The world is crazy, toilet paper is evidently the big saviour of mankind and is our hope for the future....Sad and mad. Take care! Stay safe, hugs, Valerie

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    1. I mean, who KNEW toilet paper was so darned valuable??? (Yeah, I know... it's verrrry valuable to the people who don't have any.)

      You take care, too. Hugs back atcha.

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  3. Thank you for the smiles. I think we do need to keep our sense of humor. My grandmother survived 2 world wars and a depression. And countless personal tragedies. She always told me to remember that a smile is always free.

    When I go into the stores, I am buying for 6 of us...4 of them high metabolism males. I'm always afraid I look like a hoarder! What was it with the TP? And around here it was sacks of flour. I finally found a bag at Dollar General. I will always keep an extra thing of flour from here on out. I mean, we can't quarantine without gravy. That's just barbaric.

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    1. Your grandma sounds like my kinda gal. I suspect a lot of her rubbed off on you. :)

      Nah, no one would ever suspect you of being a hoarder. You flash that 100W smile at them, and they'll instantly know you're one of the good guys.

      HA! Yeah. Man cannot live by mashed potatoes alone; he must have gravy.

      Take care, kiddo.

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  4. Dear Susan, thanks for the uplifting verse and humor. We need it now --and always, I guess. You're a treasure.

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    1. Thanks, dude. I think we all need each other now... from a respectful distance, of course. You and Norma take care.

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  5. Good cheer to you too/two xxx Mr has just gone out for supplies here, I am hoping to see him again :-/ We live in the country with a spade and plenty of leaves so no need for kitty litter here :-) xxx

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    1. Now's an even better time than ever to live in the country. Be well, dear lady, and keep enjoying nature's beauty.

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  6. I do like to start the day with a smile! Thank you X
    After speaking with friends all around it seems that everyone is in the same boat. Even my cousin in Vancouver is in an identical lifestyle pattern as us - and you!
    CLICK HERE for Bazza’s never knowingly novaturient Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

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    1. You're welcome. I think a smile is the very best thing to put on in the morning. :)

      Yes, indeed, we are all in the same boat. I always wanted world unity... but not like this. I should've been more specific...

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  7. haha perfect indeed, as people sure hoard it and hide it everywhere. May not be able to eat but they can wipe their butt, hmmm if they don't eat and don't go, what is the good of it?

    Had to laugh at the litterbox and hiring the kid to clean up the yard.

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    1. No problem if they can't find enough food to facilitate the use of all that paper. Haven't you heard? There's also been a run on laxatives and booze. (Just kidding... about the laxatives, anyway.)

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  8. funny post. Indeed, we do have to laugh a bit despite the serious vibe of the world. Gotta keep perspective folks. I assume you've heard the song variation for My Sharona...i.e. My Corona...find it on You Tube - it's very clever and catchy. Stay safe!

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    1. Yep, it feels a lot better to laugh than to fret and cry. I saw a parody on Facebook yesterday, but for the life of me, I can't remember which song they were aping. It was a man and woman singing... funny. I'll check out the one you mentioned.

      Take care, kiddo! Have a super weekend.

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  9. Funny! Now we know what to call them - buttheads.

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  10. Glad to see that you peeps are still healthy, friend Sue:) My family and I as well. Love, cat.

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    1. I'm glad you and your family are doing well, too. Now, let's keep it that way! Sending a big virtual hug your way.

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  11. Thankfully we have enough tp in stock for the next few weeks. Now we're seeing shortages of some things we usually use a lot of in our household - pasta, canned beans and tuna, and eggs.

    Hope you are all staying safe and healthy!

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    1. We're lucky with the t.p., too. Fortunately, I've always believed in keeping our pantry and necessities well-stocked. There were lots of empty spaces on our store's shelves, but the manager allowed me to purchase 3 dozen eggs. The sign said 1 dozen per customer, but he told me they had plenty, so get the 3 dozen I wanted. :) So we're good for a couple more weeks.

      So far, so good! You and your family stay safe and healthy, too.

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  12. LOVE your song, Susan! And of course, I'm chuckling about the memes. Some people are so creative. I don't consider myself particularly lucky, but day before yesterday I happened on a half-dozen cartons of Charmin being put out. Happy dance, right there on Wal-Mart aisle 11!

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    1. Thanks. :)

      Woo HOO! That sounds pretty darned lucky to me. Talk about being in the right place at the right time. (Better put it in your safe. HA) Take care, sweet lady.

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  13. Yup, still no tp here that I could find, though I did find some litter.


    Oh, and yes, I do have a cat;)

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  14. Oh my gosh, the poem and the cartoons were hysterical. We gotta laugh, we gotta laugh and you just gave me some side splitting ways to do so.

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    1. Awesome. If I made you laugh, my job here is done. :)

      Have a super weekend, dear lady. Be safe.

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  15. A squirt gun, one of those ketchup squeeze things they have at the diner, and you have a portable bidet, better than toilet paper will ever be.

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  16. Great post today... I was going to use your last joke on my blog !
    I have had so great ones. Read my last Tuesday post it has a great one,
    Hugs, parsnip

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    1. Thanks. I'm glad you liked it. Take care of yourself.

      Hugs back atcha.

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  17. I love that last joke and I'm sending it to everyone I know. I think that litter box needs to be larger, not many people could balance on that.

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    1. True, but ya know, the funniest thing about the litter box idea is... WHY? It's not like the toilets won't flush, and using a litter box doesn't do a thing about the lack of t.p. :)

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  18. Love your song too. I'm actually surprised that no one seems to have thought of going "old school" and using old towels or face washers, then rinsing, soaking and washing them just like we used to do baby nappies. That's my back up plan if I run out and can't get more. All our grandmothers must be turning in their graves!

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    1. I used cloth diapers, too, so I think using fabric squares if t.p. isn't available is a perfectly good alternative.

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  19. Hi Susan - what a fun song ... and how we need to laugh in these times. There are some mighty funny cartoons etc out there - Cheeky Wipes - adult size I gather!! I decided I didn't need to order them, or look in store for them ... but was quizzy enough to know what and how - I gather hygenic.

    I'll stay doing what I do! Fortunately I'd bought some before the switch came down; I met some friends near the newsagents, chemist and greengrocers this am ... so learnt about town - seems it's better - but one person at a time ... I don't need anything til next week - but if this freezing wind hangs around ... I'll stick it out a while longer!!

    Take care and enjoy life with Smarticus ... cheers Hilary xoxo

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    1. Hi-ya, Hilary.

      I'm glad to hear things are getting better in your area. Things are getting worse here. The number of cases and deaths is mounting steadily in our state, and our county just announced a shelter-in-place order. We can still go our for my hubby's treatments, and I can still go to the grocery store if I must, but that's about it. For us, it isn't too much of a change. :)

      Take care. Cheers back atcha.

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  20. I love your sense of humor and am still smiling...ha ha, ho ho,ha ha.....

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  21. Oh so funny! I like the cat with the note about TP, trying to get someone to open the door. And the grocery store and wearing a mask and gloves, ha ha.

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  22. Love your poem/lyrics. How about bringing out the guitar and making a video? We celebrated my son's birthday a few days ago. Carol got him a cake and a package of toilet paper. I was amazed that she found some. Hey, I just had an idea. Do you think people will pay for used t.p.? Ugh, that's disgusting. A sense of humor makes a huge difference during hard times. I told Carol that if I have to go through a pandemic with someone, then I'm glad it's her. We laugh a lot.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Thanks. I wish I knew how to make a video and post it on Youtube... if I did, I would've definitely done one for the parody I wrote for "Camp Grenada" about cats. I think it'd make an awesome video with funny images of cats to go along with it. But that's not in my wheelhouse, so you'll just have to imagine me playing and singing. :)

      Used t.p.? Um, I don't think there'd be much market for that. Women may have to learn how to "shake" themselves dry, though...

      It's good you and Carol have each other. That's how Smarticus and I feel, too. There's no one else on earth we'd rather hunker down with. Take care, kiddo, and keep laughing.

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    2. You can probably find a video on Youtube that will tell you how to make a video and post it.

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  23. This whole post is absolutely hilarious. Absolutely loved it. the lyrics of the song outrageous. it deserves a spot on the top Forty. get it set to sound as soon as possible.

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  24. I couldn't stop laughing. So, there, too? I thought it was only in Britain that people had gone bananas over bog roll.

    Greetings from London.

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    1. Yep! Here, too! And I suspect just about everywhere.

      Greetings back atcha.

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  25. Too funny! Thank you, I needed a smile today. And it's such a lovely day. Spent the first hour on the patio watching the sun climb. Amazing.

    Thanks for the humor. It was just right!

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    1. I'm glad you liked it, dear lady. It's sunny here, too. (Makes it much easier to see the thick coat of pollen all over everything. HA)

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  26. I love this post! We need to smile when we can - and you gave me a lift today!!!

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  27. Thanks for all the laughs! We have to find the humor wherever we can these days. Glad to hear you are staying safe.

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    1. You're welcome. :) Yep, humor rules... or at least, it helps keep us sane. I hope you're keeping safe, too.

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  28. Whew, I'm glad we stocked up on kitty litter. :) I actually get a little ticked off when someone posts a picture of their 5,000 packages of toilet paper stacked up in their house. They feel like they're showing how clever they are, I guess, and I feel like they're showing what a booty they are... no pun intended. :)

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