Smells Like Love

Thought for the day:  If love had a scent, I don't think it would smell like chocolate and roses. I think it'd smell more like baby powder and pot roast. 

Okay, guys, consider this your own personal public service announcement: tomorrow is Valentine's Day. There. You've been warned. As if the advertisers would let you forget, huh? They've been bombarding us with reminders for more than a month. I dunno. Seems to me that's an awful lot of pressure to put on one little ol' day, don't you?

Anyhow, so how do you like my love monkey? I'm not talking about Smarticus; I'm talking about that cute little stuffed monkey in the picture, which he gave me for Valentine's Day a few years ago. If you squeeze his belly, he gives a wolf whistle, and says in a dirty ol' man kinda voice, I go bananas over you!  Again, I'm talking about the monkey, not Smarticus, although come to think of it, it's just the sort of thing he would say. That's why it's such a perfect gift. Forget about jewelry and furs, and all that jazz. A gift that makes me laugh wins me over every time.

[morguefile]

Then again, chocolate ain't bad, either. After all, a box of candy is never the wrong size, right? Although it came close to being too large one year. Smarticus bought me a box of chocolates big enough to cover the entire top of the coffee table. I kid you not. Whew! Talk about a LOT of candy! It took me almost a whole hour to eat it all. (Just kidding. It took more like seventy minutes.)

I'll never forget some of the romantic cards and gifts Smarticus has given me over the years. (sigh) We were all of twelve or thirteen the first time he wrote a poem (just for me!) in my autograph book. It went like this: Roses are red; violets are blue. You've got a shape like a B-52. I mean, doesn't that send shivers of sheer delight up and down your spine?

We weren't much older than that when he extended a lovely decorated box toward me, smiled seductively, and told me to open it. When I did, I found a barf-worthy severed finger lying atop a fluffy bed of cotton. It was his finger, of course, stuck through a hole in the box bottom and doctored up to look as disgusting as he could make it. Yeah, I know. Smarticus was a bit of a farticus in those days.

But, what can I say? I married him anyway. How could I not? He's a gen-u-ine original, and even after all these years, he still knows how to make me laugh, and still knows how to make my heart sing.

[morguefile]

Talking about original, have you ever wondered who this St. Valentine fella was and how he came to be associated with a feast day devoted to love? Or why we associate the day with the color red... with red roses in particular... and why we exchange Valentines?

Well, then, you've come to the right place.

Our man Valentine was a priest in Rome during the reign of Claudius the Cruel, an emperor with an unholy affinity for declaring war. In fact, this dude's wars were so frequent and so unpopular, it got to where very few men were joining the military. The emperor, who was evidently just as stupid as he was cruel, decided the only reason men weren't rushing to fight his wonderful wars was because they were too darned attached to their wives and family. So he came up with a solution. He banned marriages.

Oh, but fear not. Our hero priest continued to perform marriage ceremonies in secret. That is, until the mean ol' emperor found out about it, and had him killed. By beating, stoning, and then beheading. (Talk about overkill.) Valentine died on February 14, 270. (Ah, HA!)

Legend has it that he left a special note for the jailer's daughter, and signed it... from your Valentine. 

So, why the color red, you ask? For obvious reasons, blood red is the color of martyrs. And thanks to the martyred St. Valentine... it also became the color of love. Red roses represent Venus, the goddess of love. And if legend is correct, Valentine himself sent the first Valentine card. St. Valentine's feast day was established in 496, but it didn't become recognized as a lovers' holiday and big day of romance until ten centuries later, when popular belief held that the fourteenth of February marked the start of mating season for birds.

[morguefile]

So, if you consider Valentine's Day to be for the birds... you aren't entirely wrong.

[wikipedia]

At right is an example of a 1909 Valentine's Day card, which I found on Wikipedia. As a young girl, I remember buying big fancy cards for my mother... complete with scented stuffed satin hearts and lace around the edges... for the exorbitant price of thirty-five cents. My sweet Smarticus has sent me a bunch of beautiful cards over the years, but he'd still probably be more comfortable with one that said: Roses are red; violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you... The roses are wilting; the violets are dead. The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Just kidding. He's actually quite the romantic. (But I sure am glad he didn't know about St. Valentine losing his head over love when we were kids. The finger was bad enough.)

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in muddy boots.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. [Franklin P. Jones]

You can't blame gravity for falling in love.  [Albert Einstein]

[wikipedia]

Lots of things are considered aphrodisiacs... like big red juicy strawberries, and rich dark chocolate... or better yet, big red juicy strawberries dipped in rich dark chocolate...

Um, where was I...?

Oh, yeah. I wanted to tell you guys about one of the best aphrodisiacs of all time. Wanta put your lady love in the mood? Do the dinner dishes. I tell ya, nothing is as sexy to a woman as seeing her man tackling a load of dishes  while she's in the easy chair with her feet propped up... eating strawberries dipped in chocolate. Or if ya reeeeeally want to make her weak in the knees... clean the toilet bowl. 

.

Anyhow, whether you ignore the day, celebrate it in a small way, or go reeeally BIG... Happy Valentine's Day, y'all.

You know... it's a shame we don't celebrate love...  every day.

                                        Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

P.S. Looking for another kinda love... like the love of a reeeeeally good book? I recently had the honor of reading the ARC (Advanced Reader Copy) of Linda Grimes' third book The Big Fix. Love, love, LOVED it! It won't be released until May, (sorry!) but if you haven't read the first two books in this awesome series yet, (In a Fix and Quick Fix) now's your chance. These books are fun, adventurous, laugh-out-loud sexy romps, and unlike anything you've ever read before. Trust me... they are pure unadulterated FUN. Linda has out-Evanoviched Evanovich. Check 'em out. You may even be able to find them in your local library. 

Never go to bed mad--- stay up and fight.  [Phyllis Diller]

Love is in the Air

Thought for the day:  If love had a scent, I don't think it would smell like chocolate and roses. I think it'd smell more like baby powder and pot roast. 

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all. Got big plans for the day? No telling what Smarticus and I will be doing, but we'll probably be out and about somewhere, so I won't be Jill-on-the-spot about responding to comments today. Maybe not even until Monday.

Anyhow, so how do you like my love monkey? I'm not talking about Smarticus; I'm talking about that cute little stuffed monkey in the picture, which he gave me for Valentine's Day a few years ago. If you squeeze his belly, he gives a wolf whistle, and says in a dirty ol' man kinda voice, I go bananas over you!  Again, I'm talking about the monkey, not Smarticus, although come to think of it, it's just the sort of thing he'd say. That's why it's such a perfect gift. Forget about jewelry and furs, and all that jazz. A gift that makes me laugh wins me over every time.

Okay, so chocolate ain't bad, either. After all, a box of candy is never the wrong size, right? Although it came close to being too large one year. Smarticus bought me a box of chocolates big enough to cover the entire top of the coffee table. I kid you not. Whew! Talk about a LOT of candy! It took me almost two whole hours to eat it all. (Just kidding. It took more like three.)

I'll never forget some of the romantic cards and gifts Smarticus has given me over the years. (sigh) We were all of twelve or thirteen the very first time he wrote a poem (just for me!) in my autograph book. It went like this: Roses are red; violets are blue. You've got a shape like a B-52. I mean, doesn't that send shivers of sheer delight up and down your spine?

We weren't much older that that when he extended a lovely decorated box toward me, smiled seductively, and told me to open it. When I did, I found a barf-worthy severed finger lying atop a fluffy bed of cotton. It was his finger, of course, stuck through a hole in the box bottom and doctored up to look as disgusting as he could make it. Yeah, I know. Smartius was a bit of a farticus in those days.

But, what can I say? I married him anyway. How could I not? He's a gen-u-ine original, and even after all these years, he still knows how to make me laugh, and he still knows how to make my heart sing.

Talking about original, have you ever wondered who St. Valentine was and why he's associated with a feast day devoted to love? Why we associate this day with the color red... with red roses in particular... and why we exchange Valentines?

Well, then, you've come to the right place.

Our man Valentine was a priest in Rome during the reign of Claudius the Cruel, an emperor with an unholy affinity for declaring war. In fact, this dude's wars were so frequent and so unpopular, it got to where very few men were joining the military. The emperor, who was evidently just as stupid as he was cruel, decided the only reason men weren't rushing to fight his wonderful wars was because they were too darned attached to their wives and family. So he came up with a solution. He banned marriages.

But fear not. Our hero priest continued to perform marriage ceremonies in secret. That is, until the mean ol' emperor found out about it, and had him killed. By beating, stoning, and then beheading. (Talk about overkill.) Valentine was killed on February 14, 270.

Legend has it that he left a special note for the jailer's daughter, and signed it... from your Valentine. 

So, why the color red, you ask? For obvious reasons, blood red is the color of martyrs. And thanks to the martyred St. Valentine... it also became the color of love. Red roses represent Venus, the goddess of love. And Valentine himself sent the first Valentine card. St. Valentine's feast day was established in 496, but it didn't become recognized as a lovers' holiday and big day of romance until ten centuries later, when popular belief held that the fourteenth of February marked the start of mating season for birds.

So, if you consider Valentine's Day to be for the birds... you aren't entirely wrong.

At right is an example of a 1909 Valentine's Day card, which I found on Wikipedia. As a young girl, I remember buying big fancy cards for my mother... complete with scented stuffed satin hearts and lace around the edges... for the exorbitant price of thirty-five cents. My sweet Smarticus has sent me a bunch of beautiful cards over the years, but he'd still probably be more comfortable with one that said: Roses are red; violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you... The roses are wilting; the violets are dead. The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Just kidding. He's actually quite the romantic. (But I sure am glad he didn't know about St. Valentine losing his head over love when we were kids. The finger was bad enough.)

 How about some of these for the worst Valentine's Day gifts ever:

THIS wouldn't be a very nice Valentine's Day gift, either... especially if it came on the heels of a box of chocolates as big as the coffee table. No, just kidding. This isn't a gift from Smarticus. (It's actually one of our 1969 wedding gifts. Yep! Still got it!) But I'm just saying, it's not a very sentimental gift. It's right up there with giving your honey a bottle of diet pills, or a pair of slacks with wide load printed on the seat. 


Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in muddy boots.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. [Franklin P. Jones]

You can't blame gravity for falling in love.  [Albert Einstein]

Lots of things are considered aphrodisiacs... like big red juicy strawberries, and rich dark chocolate... or better yet, big red juicy strawberries dipped in rich dark chocolate...

Um, where was I?

Oh, yeah. I wanted to tell you guys about one of the best aphrodisiacs of all time. Wanta put your lady love in the mood? Do the dinner dishes. I tell ya, nothing is as sexy to a woman as seeing her man tackling a load of dishes  while she's in the easy chair with her feet propped up... eating strawberries dipped in chocolate. Or if ya reeeeeally want to make her weak in the knees... clean the toilet bowl. 

Put a lotta love in your heart

Anyhow, whether you celebrate in a small way, or whether you go reeeally BIG...

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all. But wouldn't it be nice if we celebrated love...  every day?

                  For all you fans of The Big Bang Theory, here's a video I think you'll enjoy:

                                        Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Never go to bed mad--- stay up and fight.  [Phyllis Diller]

You'd Better Shop Around

Thought for the day:  Seeing's as how most of the merchandise sold in America's WalMarts was produced in China, do you suppose most of the stuff in China's WalMarts was made in the USA?

Nah, I don't think so, either.

Even though WalMart stores have popped up in many parts of the world, including China, the merchandise must vary quite a bit from country to country. I mean, how likely is it that a shopper in China would have any interest in buying corn dogs, a book about Uncle Sam, or a Super Bowl tee shirt?

So what does a WalMart shopper in China want to buy, you ask? Hehe. I'm so glad you asked, because we're about to take a little gander inside a Chinese

                                                                    Ready??? Here goes!

Not sure if the powdered horse milk is for foals or fools people.

I reckon anti-bacterial undies keep a fella's dong phu from getting too phooey, huh?

In case you can't tell, that's assorted reptile parts in them there bags. For most of us, frog legs are about as adventurous as we wanta get.

Underwear may be sanitized, but Chinese people evidently don't have a problem scooping rice out of big open-air bins.

Now, this is a bunch of bull. Or at least, it's a pile of a certain anatomical part of a bunch of bulls, if you get my drift An aphrodisiac, maybe? More like a purgative, if ya ask me.

Not the kind of Crocs we're accustomed to seeing at the store, is it?

So exactly what do you remove from water to make it dietetic? Oh, wait! I've got it. Maybe they add something to it. Like ipecac. That'd knock those pounds right off...

YUM! Savory duck carcasses.

What? Not interested in DIY frog legs?

Again, no concerns about the sanitary conditions of bulk meat, either.

Now these are kinda cool. More men might drink water if it tasted like meat. Hey! Where's the bacon...?

Um, yep. Those things are exactly what they look like. Pig faces. Smoked, maybe? I'd rather have bacon with my eggs, thank you very much.

How about some assorted animal ribs? No need to be shy, people... just help yourself.

Although this picture was included on numerous websites along with a mess of other shots allegedly taken inside a Chinese WalMart, I suspect it's bogus. But funny. I like funny. (But I don't want to see eyeballs in my pickle jar.)










So there ya have it. What's the strangest thing you ever saw in a Superstore? In America, the strangest thing in the store may not be the merchandise; it may be the shoppers. Let's just say... they have a...  fantastic sense of fashion. Don't believe me? Check out this People of Walmart video. (There's plenty more of 'em on Youtube, too.)

Since the topic today is picking on  about Walmart, I might as well throw this out there, too. Didja hear that WalMart is thinking about selling wine under its own label? Their marketing department thinks a cheap-ass huge potential market for cheap-ass  inexpensive wine exists. Who knows? Could be they're right. After all, who doesn't love Two Buck Chuck? So whattaya think Wally World should call their wines? How about these creative suggestions:

•  Chateau Traileur Parc
• White Trashfindel
• Big Red Gulp
• World Championship WRiesling
• NASCARbernet
• Chef Boyardeaux
• Peanut Noir
• I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar 
• Grape Expectations
• Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is it will make ya sick go equally well with white meat (possum) or red (squirrel). (No need to tell me this scintillating information I received from a friend is yet another hoax. I know perfectly well squirrel meat isn't red.)

Next Monday, the lovely and talented Dianne Salerni will be interviewing me on her blog. It seems she has a few questions about Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade. How about that? She's a fantastic writer, and it'll be a genuine honor to visit with her. Tell ya what. Why don't y'all stop in and say howdy, okay? Heck, I'll even bake a chocolate rum cake.

Not enough blatant self-promotion for ya? How's this? Yesterday, my old hometown newspaper in Maryland ran an article about ... moi and my book. Life is good. Oh yeah, life is definitely good.

                                    Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

What's Love Got to Do With It?

Thought for the day:  If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Ahhhh, Valentines's Day. It's the day after tomorrow, ya know. (Consider this a public service announcement, guys, just in case it slipped your mind.) Yep, the day of loooooove... also of chocolates, red roses, and heart-shaped you-name-its. Oh, and sappy sentimental cards. Mustn't forget the cards.

I'll never forget some of the romantic cards and gifts Smarticus has given me over the years. (sigh) We were all of twelve or thirteen the very first time he wrote a poem (just for me!) in my autograph book. It went like this: Roses are red; violets are blue. You've got a shape like a B-52. I mean, doesn't that send shivers of sheer delight up and down your spine?

We weren't much older that that when he extended a lovely decorated box toward me, smiled seductively, and told me to open it. When I did, I found a barf-worthy severed finger lying atop a fluffy bed of cotton. It was his finger, of course, stuck through a hole in the box bottom and doctored up to look as disgusting as he could make it. Yeah, I know. Smartius was a bit of a farticus in those days.

But, what can I say? I married him anyway. How could I not? He's a gen-u-ine original, and even after all these years, he still knows how to make my heart sing.

Talking about original, have you ever wondered who St. Valentine was and why he's associated with a feast day devoted to love? Why we associate this day with the color red... with red roses in particular... and why we exchange Valentines?

Well, then, you've come to the right place.

Our man Valentine was a priest in Rome during the reign of Claudius the Cruel, an emperor with an unholy affinity for declaring war. In fact, this dude's wars were so frequent and so unpopular, it got to where very few men were joining the military. The emperor, who was evidently just as stupid as he was cruel, decided the only reason men weren't rushing to fight his wonderful wars was because they were too darned attached to their wives and family. So he came up with a solution. He banned marriages.

But fear not. Our hero priest continued to perform marriage ceremonies in secret. That is, until the mean ol' emperor found out about it, and had him killed. By beating, stoning, and then beheading. (Talk about overkill.) Valentine was killed on February 14, 270.

Legend has it that he left a special note for the jailer's daughter, and signed it... from your Valentine. 

So, why the color red, you ask? For obvious reasons, blood red is the color of martyrs. And thanks to the martyred St. Valentine... it also became the color of love. Red roses represent Venus, the goddess of love. And Valentine himself sent the first Valentine card. St. Valentine's feast day was established in 496, but it didn't become recognized as a lovers' holiday and big day of romance until ten centuries later, when popular belief held that the fourteenth of February marked the start of mating season for birds.

So, if you consider Valentine's Day to be for the birds... you aren't entirely wrong.

At right is an example of a 1909 Valentine's Day card, which I found on Wikipedia. As a young girl, I remember buying big fancy cards for my mother... complete with scented stuffed satin hearts and lace around the edges... for the exorbitant price of thirty-five cents. My sweet Smarticus has sent me a bunch of beautiful cards over the years, but he'd still probably be more comfortable with one that said: Roses are red; violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you... The roses are wilting; the violets are dead. The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Just kidding. He's actually quite the romantic. (But I sure am glad he didn't know about St. Valentine losing his head over love when we were kids. The finger was bad enough.)

He's outgrown sending this kind of card, but he isn't above laughing at them. Neither am I. With sincere thanks to our friend and fellow amateur radio operator Bill, who sent these cards to me, I present to you cards some of the world's most notorious despots might have sent, because ya know... even bad guys need love.

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in muddy boots.

Lots of things are considered aphrodisiacs... like big red juicy strawberries, and rich dark chocolate... or better yet, big red juicy strawberries dipped in rich dark chocolate...

Um, where was I?

Oh, yeah. I wanted to tell you guys about one of the best aphrodisiacs of all time. Wanta put your lady love in the mood? Do the dinner dishes. I tell ya, nothing is as sexy to a woman as seeing her man tackling a load of dishes  while she's in the easy chair with her feet propped up... eating strawberries dipped in chocolate. Or if ya reeeeeally want to make her weak in the knees... clean the toilet bowl. 

Put a lotta love in your heart

Anyhow, whether you celebrate in a small way, or whether you go reeeally BIG...

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all. But wouldn't it be nice if we celebrated love...  every day?

                                        Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Never go to bed mad--- stay up and fight.  [Phyllis Diller]

Thanks, But I Prefer Chocolate

Thought for the day: I think I know why the snowmobile was invented in Minnesota. It's because they needed a better way to get to their Independence Day celebrations. (Pssssst! It ain't CORN that's knee-high there on the fourth of July!)

Minnesota got its name from Dakota Indian words meaning sky-tinted water, or land of sky blue waters. Nice image, huh? (Anybody remember Hamm's beer?)

Well, there's also a joke saying the name actually came from the Sioux language, and means something akin to stupid palefaces who soak fish in lye.


And some of them really do soak fish in lye. What's more, they EAT it. Because of its large population from the Nordic countries, the traditional dish of  lutefisk can still be found in Minnesota. And eaten, if you dare. In his book Pontoon, Garrison Keillor had this to say about this ... er ... delicacy: 


Lutefisk is cod that has been dried in a lye solution. It looks like the desiccated cadavers of squirrels run over by trucks, but after it is soaked and reconstituted and the lye is washed out and it's cooked, it looks more fish-related, though with lutefisk, the window of success is small. It can be tasty, but the statistics aren't on your side. It is the hereditary delicacy of the Swedes and Norwegians who serve it around the holiday, in memory of their ancestors, who ate it because they were poor. Most lutefisk is not edible by normal people. It is reminiscent of the afterbirth of a dog or the world's largest chunk of phlegm.


Yum, huh? So, have any of you actually tried this Nordic delicacy? (Linda???) One last thing about this dish, which I find mildly amusing. Although it originated in the Nordic countries, very little of it is consumed there any more. It's the descendants who've moved to the U.S. and Canada who are still eating the stuff.

Okay, time for some pictures:

Holy moley! This is a MALL? I thought it was a CITY!

The Mall of America, located in Bloomington, is the size of seventy-eight football fields, and covers 9.5 million square feet!

Minneapolis is home to the oldest continuously running theater in the country, the Old Log Theater. At left is a picture of its interior.

Pelican Pete, found in Pelican Rapids, is the world's largest pelican. Built in 1957, this concrete pelican stands fifteen and a half feet tall, and consumes concrete fish four feet long. (Just kidding about the fish.)

The Minneapolis Sculpture Garden is the largest urban sculpture garden in the country. Dontcha love that spoon bridge? And that cherry ... I guess it's like the ... um ... like the cherry on top.

In 1885, a New York reporter said St. Paul was another Siberia, and unfit for human habitation in the winter. To prove him wrong, St. Paul held a Winter Carnival. Pictured is the fourteen story ice palace St. Paul residents built at that first festival. It covered an entire acre. That ice palace is long gone, but the winter festivals continue as an annual event.

Not saying the New York reporter was entirely correct about the Siberia-like weather, but Minneapolis does have an extensive skyway system, designed to protect residents from the non-Miami-like elements. The system connects 52 blocks, and makes it possible for residents to eat, work, shop, and sleep without ever risking frostbite by sticking their delicate little tootsies outside.

The Aerial Lift Bridge, the country's first aerial ferry, was put into operation in 1905 over the strip canal between Duluth and Minnesota Point. It can hold six automobiles at one time.

Where the Big Fork and Rainy Rivers meet on the Canadian border near International Falls is the largest Indian burial mound in the upper midwest. One of the mounds at Grand Mound Historic Park is nearly three stories tall, and the Laurel Indian remains contained within the mounds date as far back as 2200 years. Although this site was a tourist attraction for many years, it was permanently closed in 2007, with the (better-late-than-never) acknowledgement that Native Americans consider this a sacred place.

You know who this guy is, don't you?  That's American folklore hero Paul Bunyan. This statue can be found in Akeley, and the folks there claim it to be the largest Bunyan statue in the country. In the kneeling position, he measures twenty feet tall, but if he were to stand UP, why he'd be at least thirty-three!

With more than fifteen thousand lakes measuring more than ten acres in size, Minnesota has 90,000 miles of shoreline, which they claim is more than California, Florida, and Hawaii combined. I don't know about that, but they DO have a lot of water. And a lot of lighthouses. The one at left is the Split Rock Lighthouse, and it's located on the clifftops above Lake Superior. Built in the 1920s, it is now a national historic landmark.

Ever read any of  The Little House on the Prairie books? Walnut Grove, author Laura Ingalls Wilder's childhood home, is home to a museum bearing her name.

I included this circa 1875 train depot picture for two reasons. First, for its design, and second, because I LOVE the name of the town. This is the Minnehaha depot. (Think they only tell little jokes there?)









Okay, enough pictures. It's time to take a peek at some of the laws still loitering on the books in the Land of Sky Blue Waters.

• It's illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head. (Guess you'd better sport a chicken instead.)
• It's against the law to sleep in the nude. (And how, exactly, do they police that? And what's more, how do they prevent every policeman in the state from volunteering for the duty?)
• All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts. (I guess it's optional for women.)
• Citizens crossing into Wisconsin may not wear a chicken on their heads. (Drat! No duck OR chicken? Better grab the pig.)
• All bathtubs must have feet.
• In Minneapolis, it's against the law to drive a red car down Lake Street.
• It's considered a public nuisance in Minnetonka to drive a truck with dirty tires. (Better get out and push, dude!)
• It's a public nuisance to place tacks on a sidewalk, too. (Hmmm, I see their point ...)
• It's also against the law there for anyone to talk another person into entering a massage therapist business after 11PM. (How about the other person who lets himself get talked into going in there to get that (wink, wink) late-night massage?)
• And in St. Cloud, it's illegal to eat hamburgers on Sundays. (Hot dogs okay?)

Okay, boys and girls, it's that time again. It's time for (ta-DA!) 

The Weirdest News Stories of the Week

Newt? Nope. A Chioninia lizard.

*** Evidently, a rare lizard from the Cape Verde islands wasn't content with his life in the dirt, so he hitched a ride out of town on an airplane. After surviving a 3000-mile flight inside the plane's frigid baggage hold, the little guy ended up taking another sort of spin entirely. You see, the tourist who unknowingly carried the freeloader home in her baggage also unknowingly tossed said freeloader into the washing machine with her dirty laundry. Believe it or  not, the resistant little booger survived. Any lizard with such staying power deserves a name, and now Larry the Lizard has a new home, too. He's now a resident of the Tropiquaria Wildlife Park in England. Poor Larry. If he were in the U.S., what with all his experience with baggage, dirty laundry, and spin, he could run for president.

*** Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Are you ready? Have your favorite aphrodisiac all set up for the Big Day? You know ... oysters (Shucks! I had a dozen, but only six of 'em worked!) ... chocolates (MY choice!) ... champagne (That's okay, too)  ... bull testicles ... HUH?  Uh, yeah. British chef Charlie Bigham, whose specialty for the past fifteen years has been preparing delicious hand-made meals for two, says his new Cock & Bull Pie provides just what it takes to enhance your romance. In addition to the aforementioned testicles, these pies also include high-quality steak, Mama Juana liquor, and ginseng, all wrapped up in a melt-in-your-mouth flaky crust. Before you get too cocky and poo poo this notion as being ridiculous, may I remind you that folks in India and China have been touting the libido-lifting qualities of these testosterone-packed testicles for years. So, who knows? Maybe there's something to it. If you lucky Brits reading this want to find out for yourself, you'd better hurry. They'll only be available for a short time. You can even order them online  So, hurry, you don't want to miss out on this wonderful opportunity to bond. (After dinner, the mister can oh-so-tenderly hold his lady's hair away from her face while she barfs ... )

Forbidden love? Not for long, my deer. 

*** Here's an unusual love story for you. A ram and doe at a Chinese wild animal park are getting married on Valentine's Day. This love-struck couple has been an item for quite some time, and would become despondent whenever keepers tried to separate them, so the zoo decided to throw the critters a wedding. They've already been ... uh ... honeymooning ... on a regular basis, but now their bliss will be legalized in front of a bunch of paid ticket-holders. Hmmm, if these two create an offspring, what do you reckon they'll call it?


                                           Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.