No Fooling!

Thought for the day: I have great faith in fools — self-confidence, my friends call it. [Edgar Allen Poe]

The past few years, I've opted to take the month of April off from blogging. Since I chose not to participate in the A-Z Challenge, I decided it would be a good opportunity for me to buckle down and do some real writing. Um, last year, I mostly did spring cleaning, but I did write a few words, too. This year, I'm determined to get some serious work done on my poor neglected WIP. I actually got back to it in February, so maybe, just maybe, I really will make some good progress this month. Maybe.

But since my usual blogging day coincides with April Fool's Day this year, I couldn't resist sharing a parting shot with y'all before I go off the grid. This post is a re-run, with a few minor updates. Enjoy! And y'all take care. Seeya in May.

*****************************

Thought for the day:  The trouble with bucket seats is not everyone has the same sized bucket.

Happy April Fools Day! Not that any of us are fools, mind you.

So, do you like to pull pranks on April first? (Or are you an all-year-round equal-opportunity prankster?) I've been known to pull a trick or two over the years, but nothing too outrageous. One of the (few) things I miss about writing that monthly newsletter for amateur radio enthusiasts is the liberties I always took with the annual April issue. One time, it backfired on me, though.

Ever hear of BPL? That stands for Broadband Over Power Lines. That's a technology in which internet service would be provided via the power lines. A plug and play idea, more or less. And a very bad one, especially from the viewpoint of amateur radio. Power lines were never designed for this purpose, and are inadequately shielded, which means that BPL would splatter, and cause extensive interference throughout the radio spectrum.

Anyway, in one of my April issues, which came out shortly after Michael Powell was replaced as chairman of the FCC, I wrote a newsy-sounding article about the shocking "new rulings" the FCC had made about BPL, but I THOUGHT I'd written it outrageously enough that everyone would laugh and recognize it for the joke it was meant to be. I mean, at the end of the article, I even said that Michael Powell would have loved to implement those changes while he was chairman, but "his daddy wouldn't let him." (General Colin Powell)

Unfortunately, one of my readers believed it. (I should've known better than to kid about something as serious as BPL.) And to make matters worse, that one reader worked for our state's emergency management agency. And he wrote an angry letter to his congressional representative, based on the crap I'd made up about the FCC.

Not good. I was mortified, and he was angry at first, but did come around in the end. Even managed to laugh about it. But I learned my lesson. Every April issue after that had numerous disclaimers to prevent something like that from happening again.

OK, in honor of the day, I'm gonna fill you in on some of the best April Fools jokes ever played:

• In 1957, a TV show on BBC announced that due to a mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. Accompanying the report was some footage allegedly showing Swiss farmers pulling strands of spaghetti from the trees. Anybody fooled? It would appear so. The station received a barrage of calls from people wanting to know how to grow their own spaghetti at home.
• In 1985, Sports Illustrated played a good one. They ran a story about a rookie pitcher named Finch who'd been signed by the Mets. Said he could throw a ball an amazing 168 mph, and that he'd mastered this never-before-achieved skill while living in a Tibetan monastery. Anybody buy this story? Well, let's just say that the Mets fans' celebrations were short-lived.
• In 1996, Taco Bell outraged U.S. citizens when it announced that it had purchased the Liberty Bell, and was going to rename it-- you guessed it-- the Taco Bell. When Mike McCurry, who was White House press secretary at the time, was asked about it, he said the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold, and was about to be renamed the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.
• In 1962, Sweden only had one TV channel, which broadcast in black and white. The station's tech expert announced on the April first newscast that newly developed technology now made it possible for viewers to convert their TVs to receive in color. All they had to do is pull a nylon stocking over the screen.
• In 1977, a British newspaper included a seven-page supplement in celebration of the 10th anniversary of San Serriffe, a small republic in the Indian Ocean, which allegedly consisted of several semi-colon shaped islands. The articles went into great detail about the geography and culture of the two main islands: Upper Caise and Lower Caise.
• In 1976, Patrick Moore, a British astronomer, told his rapt radio listeners about an upcoming once-in-a-lifetime astronomical occurrence. He claimed that at precisely 9:47 AM, Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, and this would cause a brief gravitational realignment that would reduce gravity on Earth. He said, if they jumped in the air at that exact time, they'd experience a floating sensation. Did anybody believe him? Well, he WAS a very well-respected astronomer. Hundreds of people called the radio station later to report that they'd felt the sensation.
• In 1992, NPR announced that Richard Nixon was running for president again. His new campaign slogan? "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." To enhance the believability of the story, they ran sound clips of "Nixon" announcing his candidacy, provided by impersonator Rich Little. Surely, nobody bought that story, right? Wrong. The station was flooded with calls from outraged listeners.
• In 1998, a newsletter, titled New Mexicans for Science and Reason, included an article claiming that the state of Alabama had changed the value of pi from 3.14159  to the "Biblical value" of 3.0.
• In 1995, Discover magazine wrote that an Italian biologist by the name of Aprile Pazzo had discovered a new species in Antarctica. Said species was to be named the hot headed ice borer. These creatures were described as having bony plates on their head that became so hot, the critters were able to zip through the ice in a highly effective technique for hunting penguins. P.S. In Italian, Aprile Pazzo means April fool.
• In 1998, Burger King ran an ad in USA Today about the introduction of the "left-Handed Whopper." In honor of the approximately 32 million lefties in the country, the new burger would include the same ingredients as the usual whopper, but the condiments would be rotated 180 degrees. Surely, everyone got a good laugh out of this and then moved on, right? Not so. Would you believe the burger chain received thousands of requests for the new burger, as well as orders for the original "right-handed" version?

                                        Now, I don't care who you are ... that stuff's FUNNY!


OK, 'nuff for now. I hope you all have a wonderful day. Don't let the jokesters get ya!

                           Take care of yourselves. And each other. Seeya next month!

The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes. [Winston Churchill]

April 1st: this is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. [Mark Twain]

Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. [Plato]

Better to remain silent and be thought the fool than to speak and remove all doubt. [Abraham Lincoln]

Still Out There

Thought for the day:  Do the aliens on the moon pull down their pants and 'earth' their friends for fun?  [Matthew Heines]

[morguefile]

As promised, today we're gonna continue on with last week's post Outta This World  about hoaxes involving aliens and flying saucers. (Or are they hoaxes...?)

I've been convinced for a long time that the flying saucers are real and interplantary. In other words, we are being watched by beings from outer space. [Albert Chop, Deputy Director of NASA]

We all know that UFOs are real. All we need to ask is where do they come from. [astronaut Edgar Mitchell, 1971]

We all know that UFOs are real. Too many good men have seen them that don't have hallucinations. [Capt. Eddie Rickenbacker]

Until they come to see us from their planet, I wait patiently. I hear them saying: 'Don't call us, we'll call you.'  [Marlene Dietrich, 1962]

So where were we?  Ah yes, we just talked about the alleged landing of an alien spacecraft at Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. Let's fast-forward to 1993, shall we?

That's the year Ray Santelli claimed to have original footage of an alien autopsy performed on one of the aliens who crash-landed in Roswell. Said he bought it from a retired military cameraman for a hundred thousand dollars. He then actioned off the rights to broadcast it. Highest bidder? FOX, which then showed it on TV in 1995. Eleven years later, it was shown to be a hoax. Although Santelli admitted that some scenes were shot in a London flat, using a body created by a sculptor, he also claimed he only did that because of the degradation of the original film. He said it was of such poor quality, he reproduced it. Still, he swore the original film was the real deal. Didn't stop him from producing a comedy film called Alien Autopsy, though.

"alien" on display in the GBI museum 

Now let's go back to 1953, when some Georgia police officers stopped to investigate a pickup truck sitting in the middle of the road. The truck's headlights were shining on what appeared to be an alien lying in the road... a  2 1/2 foot tall hairless humanoid with dark round eyes. The men claimed when they drove over the top of the hill, they saw a UFO and three aliens in the road. Although they tried to avoid them, they hit one of them. The other two took off in the spaceship, leaving a big scorch mark on the road in the process. The true story? Twenty-eight year old Ed Watters made a ten-dollar bet with his pals that he could get his name in the newspaper within the week. To do so, he purchased a capuchin monkey from the pet store... for fifty bucks. He killed that poor monkey, removed its hair with a depilatory, and chopped off its tail. The scorches in the road? The guys did it with a blow torch. It didn't take long for the authorities to identify the alien as a monkey, and Watters was charged with cruelty to animals, a charge he beat on a technicality. So he was fined forty bucks for highway obstruction. Yeah, all three of the guys got their names in the newspaper, and Watters won his ten bucks, but it cost him ninety. And he got so tired of being called the monkey man, he had to leave town. The monkey, however, stayed. It's still on display at the GBI museum. The cruel prank came to be known as the Great Monkey Hoax.

[morguefile]

Okay, you're gonna have to work with me here. Imagine you see some mysterious red lights in that picture of the night sky, okay...?

On several occasions in 2009, mysterious red lights were seen in the sky above Morristown, New Jersey. Turned out to be five helium balloons attached to flares. Perpetrators Joe Rudy and Chris Russo confessed to launching the hoax to prove how unreliable eye-witness accounts of UFOs are. They may have proven their point, as police stations were flooded with telephone calls about the strange lights. However, the police were not amused, and the two pranksters were each slapped with $250 fines and fifty hours of community service.

[wikipedia]

There have been all kinds of hoaxes over the years, but many people believe Betty and Barney Hill were actually abducted by aliens in 1961. Evidently, the state of New Hampshire believes them. The state erected this plaque on the 50th anniversary of the event.

This is one of my favorite stories. It occurred in Bad Axe, Michigan in 1958, when motorists started reporting sightings of a little blue man. A glowing little blue man. Reports got more and more fantastic, ranging from claims that he was ten feet tall (not so little!) to him running faster than any human being to him coming out of nowhere and then suddenly disappearing. None of which, of course, was true. Once again, the hoax was pulled by a trio of men. The costume consisted of long underwear, gloves, combat boots, a sheet with eyeholes, and a football helmet with flashing lights... all spray-painted with glow-in-the-dark blue paint. Of the conspirators, Jerry Sprague, Don Weiss, and LeRoy Schultz, only one actually wore the bizarre outfit. Sprague, and that's because the long johns belonged to him... and he was the only one who could fit into them. None of these guys were charged with anything; they were simply released from custody with a warning. (But that's quite a mug shot, isn't it?)

The reason I like this last story, and the reason I saved it for last, is so I could end with a video of a 1958 song. Called... what else? The Little Blue Man. (Believe it or not, Smarticus used to sing the chorus of this song to me...)

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.  [Ellen DeGeneres]

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?  [Jay Leno]

                               Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Outta This World

Thought for the day:  I think that it is much more likely that the reports of flying saucers are the results of the known irrational characteristics of terrestrial intelligence than of the unknown rational efforts of extra-terrestrial intelligence.  [Richard Feynman]

[morguefile]

So whattaya think? Are we... alone... in this universe, or are there other lifeforms out there somewhere... lifeforms who may have even paid our planet a visit upon occasion? It seems mathematically improbable that we humans are the only intelligent lifeforms in this endless universe. And yes, I do use the term intelligent rather loosely. I suspect that if we ever do make contact with other beings from outta this world, we're gonna get our comeuppance, and find out just how unintelligent we are.

Nonetheless, let's have a little fun by taking a look at some of the space alien hoaxes perpetrated over the years by some of our fellow earthlings, shall we?

[seniorark]

As far back as April Fool's Day, 1897, pranksters have been trying to dupe the public into thinking they saw a gen-u-ine UFO. On that day in Omaha, Nebraska, a couple guys launched a helium balloon with a burning wicker basket beneath, and allegedly spooked quite a few people.

[Okay, ya got me. I'm sure it didn't look anything at all like the balloon in the picture.] ☺

A couple weeks later, three boys in Dallas, Texas, soaked a cotton ball in kerosene and tied it to the leg of a turkey vulture. Alas, the pranksters got caught when the bird landed on their school's roof, and started a fire. Poor bird probably cooked his own goose. So to speak.

[morguefile]

In 1947, residents of Twin Falls, Idaho reported multiple sightings of a flying saucer. Then one agitated lady called the authorities, because she spotted the saucer embedded in her neighbor's yard, along with a long strip gouged in the dirt... obviously showing where the compact UFO (better gas mileage!) came in for a landing...

Or not.

Turned out to be the handiwork of four creative teenagers, who built their saucer with scraps: radio tubes, wires, an old phonograph, and discarded electrical parts. The boys said they were just having fun. Not their fault the town got so gosh-darned excited. Sheesh.

Also in 1947, in what was dubbed the Maury Island Incident, Harold Dahl claimed six flying doughnut-shaped discs flew over him when he was boating in the Puget Sound. He said one of those dastardly discs dared to spew molten metal, which killed his dog, and burned his son. Air Force investigators later ID'd the metal as scrap from a local factory, and Dahl admitted to the hoax. Said it was just a joke that got out of control. Let's hope he didn't kill his dog and burn his son to support his joke.

[morguefile]

Then there's THE big event of 1947. You know, the alleged spaceship landing in Roswell, New Mexico, near the area now known as Area 51. Everyone agrees that there's some hush-hush deeply secretive stuff going on there at those Air Force grounds, but did a spaceship crash there in Nevada in 1947? Were live aliens captured? Was one autopsied? Ooooh, could they still be there today? According to some ufologists, three months after the alleged crash in Roswell, President Truman formed a highly secret group called MJ-12, (short for Majestic-12) whose soul purpose was to investigate and recover alien spacecraft. Some also attribute this 1950 quote to him: I can assure you that flying saucers, given that they exist, are not constructed by any power on earth. Did he actually form that group, and say those words? Beats me. But quite a few other presidents, world leaders, and military figures have spoken up on the side of flying saucers. Jimmy Carter even claims to have seen one.

Okay, I'm gonna stop right here, and finish up with this topic next week. In the meantime, did you have a favorite space toy or show about space travel when you were a kid? Anybody remember the 1954-55 TV show Flash Gordon? Let's just say special effects weren't all that outta this world in those days, because if I remember right, in some shots, you could actually see the string holding the rocket in the air. (And I'm not sure, but the sound of the flames coming out its rear might very well have been provided by some guy saying, "Shhhhhhhhhhhh.")  Even so, we watched it. And were amazed. And then there was the mighty Rocket Man, who worked hard to save the world in the '50s and early '60s. In this clip, you might hear a familiar voice. Would you believe... Leonard Nimoy?

Oh well, since we mentioned Leonard Nimoy, we've gotta give a nod to William Shatner, too, right? This clip is muuuuuch more recent; it's from 1978. He's kinda sorta singing. What else? Rocket Man, of course.

I was gonna stop there, but I decided to leave you with something... classy. Yeah, that's the ticket. I never saw the movie Rocket Man, but after seeing this clip, I wish I had. Looks like a real hoot. Or should I say... a blast?

                                                                       

I'm not gonna be outta this world, but I am gonna be outta my office until sometime next week, so I won't be responding to your comments right away. But as Schwartzeneggar said, I'll be Bach.                              

                                      Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Am I Missing Something?

Thought for the day:  Everything is funny as long as it's happening to somebody else. [Will Rogers]

Now, let me be the first to say I don't have anything against class clowns. (I mean, heck... I married one!) But the pranks we used to pull in school back in the Dark Ages were... funny. By definition, a prank is a practical joke or mischievous act, and in my opinion, that should translate to something that's creative, humorous, harmless, and legal.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just an old fuddy duddy. But I don't think so; I don't think it's just because I'm growing older.

Heck, I don't even remember much in the way of senior pranks when Smarticus and I graduated from good ol' Dundalk High School. (Which has since been demolished...) Certainly nothing organized on a large-scale, anyhow. Closest thing to that was in junior high, when all the boys in our class would roll up their neckties and unfurl them simultaneously. (Yeah, we were bad asses back then.) Or the whole class would drop and then bend to retrieve a pencil at the same time. It was silly, and mildly amusing, and we only did that sort of thing with teachers who had a sense of humor.

                                                           Remember this song?

I came across that picture of plastic flamingos on morguefile.com, and it reminded me of a prank the youth group at our church used to pull when our boys were teenagers. They'd cover some poor parishioner's lawn with about forty flamingos for a week at a time... and all it took was a small donation to get the gaudy boogers hauled off PDQ. Okay, so technically, you could call that a form of extortion, but it was all in good fun (and fund), and if anyone wanted to opt out of getting bird-bombed, they could do so. (As best as I remember, no one did.)

I'm not sure when it started, but evidently big-time  senior class pranks are standard procedure nowadays. So much so, I even found some websites offering suggestions on pranks students could pull. Stuff like:

• Creating a slip-and-slide in the hallway with a sheet of plastic, a bucket of water and lotion. (Oooh, slick!)
• Lining the walls with post-it notes from floor to ceiling. 
• Blocking stairways with plastic cups turned upside down. (Gotta admit... I like that one!)
• Letting ten crickets loose in the hallways. (HA! Another good un.)
• Turning the cafeteria into a beach scene with tiki torches, beach balls, inflatable palm trees, and a plastic pool filled with sand. 
• Having every senior hide an alarm clock somewhere around the school, set to go off at a random time. (Alarming!)
• Putting petroleum jelly on all doorknobs and handrails. (Another slick one!)

Some websites even offer helpful hints as to senior pranks that can be pulled outdoors. My personal favorite involved placing a huge for sale sign out on the school's front lawn. And these others aren't  too bad, either:

• Writing the graduation year on the front lawn... with cocktail umbrellas, toothpicks, or plastic forks. OR with rock salt, which would kill the grass in the desired pattern. (Which might be frowned upon by the establishment.)
• Painting the year on a rock or hillside with non-toxic paint.
• Hanging bras or jock straps from a tree. (HA!)
• Filling the school fountain with bubble bath, rubber ducks, or food coloring. (School fountain? Must be for wealthy schools.)
• Having a root beer keg party. 
• Having a slumber party on the front lawn.
• Putting something on the flag pole, like tires. (I think it'd be funnier to fly a HUGE pair of panties...)

There was a wee little article in the newspaper recently. In fact, so small, it's a wonder I noticed it at all, but that article is what prompted this blog post. It was about what the paper called a senior class prank, which occurred in New Jersey.

Sixty-two students broke into their high school shortly after 2 AM and proceeded to wreak havoc. (My words, not the paper's.) They did some of the standard balloons and silly string throughout the school, and petroleum jelly on the doorknobs, and they even got a little more creative by taping hot dogs to the lockers. In addition, they overturned and broke furniture, spray-painted grafitti on the walls, and urinated in the hallways. Police responded to the burglar alarm, and all sixty-two students were arrested.

I dunno. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I am an old fuddy-duddy... but how does that behavior qualify as a senior prank? To me, that behavior qualifies as vandalism. Personally, they lost my sympathy with the whole broke into part.

But if you wanta read about pranks... about, in fact, some of the best pranks of all time, check out this old post from April 1. 2011. Now those were some pranks!

So, what do you guys think? Did your senior class pull any pranks? Do tell...

Oh, by the way, an update on an earlier post. Remember the story about affluenza I posted in January? Essentially, it was about a drunk-driving teenager from a privileged background who got away with a virtual slap on the wrist and a stay at a ritzy rehab center for killing four people, and injuring numerous others while driving under the influence. The update? The family of the teenager who was paralyzed for life by that accident sued, as I told you they were planning to do... and they were recently awarded two million dollars. Unfortunately, their son is still paralyzed.

Oh yeah... if you're interested, you'd better hurry: the e-version of Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade is on sale on Amazon for the paltry sum of ninety-nine cents right now... but only for a couple days.

                                          Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

[Thanks to Wikipedia, morguefile.com and icanhascheezburger.com for the use of their images.]

A Classless Classic

Thought for the day: Classic, you say? Oh, yeah, baby. Play it again, Sam!

 Instead of trying to come up with something new today, I'm gonna give myself an early Christmas gift, and do a re-run of a post some of you called classic when I ran it last year. Good enough for me. Sounds like a reasonable enough excuse to turn it into a tradition, dontcha think?  So, here it is, a classic tale, although not exactly in the same category as Dickens, about (ahem)  inflated dreams... 

Enjoy.


++++++

Thought for the day: We don't stop laughing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop laughing.

No telling how many years this wreath has graced our front door.

We never made a huge production out of outdoor decorations, but every year, our kids made the same grand proclamation after we cruised our decorated-out-the-wazoo neighborhood on the way home from the candlelight service on Christmas Eve.

"The best one of all!" they'd lie as we pulled into our driveway.

Okay, so maybe they weren't really lying through their braces. Maybe anticipation of the hidden presents awaiting inside added a certain luster to their perception of our decorations.

Anyhow, I'd say decorating styles can pretty much be divvied into three categories: traditional, enlightening, and inflated. Us? We're traditional. That means, except for an occasional new acquisition, I've pretty much used the same decorations every year. For a LOT of years. Like the ornaments that hung on my parents' tree when they were first married, some of which are now paper thin, and considerably faded with age. And a slew of decades-old goodies fashioned by our children with copious quantities of felt, glue and glitter, construction paper, walnut shells, clothespins, eyeglass lenses, and even a Mason jar lid. A black spider in a golden web and a huge decorated crab shell, both made my by sister-in-law. Boxes of tinsel painstakingly applied, strand by strand, and then painstakingly removed to store in a box for yet another year. Like I said, traditional. Well, to be more accurate, I suppose we've become more traditional cum lazy, because each year, I use less and less decorations, and some of them don't even make it down out of our attic anymore. For sure, our formerly traditional tree is considerably NOT traditional these days. (I'll give you a peek at it next week.)

These singers once belonged to my grandmother.

Everybody knows the enlightening type of decorator. They're the ones with so many lights blazing in their front yards, they risk causing a blackout across three states every time they turn 'em on. Very flashy. Sometimes, they even incorporate animation and music, too, and carloads of people stop by every night to ooh and aah over their winter wonderland. It isn't at all unusual for a competition of sorts to begin when multiple enlighteners live in close proximity. (Those neighborhoods can be seen from the space station.)

And then, there's the inflated. This is a fairly recent category. I sure don't remember seeing this sort of display when I was a kid. Nowadays, you can purchase just about any character you can think of ... inflate it ... and stick it on your front lawn. And if you can't find a particular character, for the right price, you can probably have someone make one for you. Then, all those characters can weave and bob all over your yard.

Now then, to the point of today's post. Time for a tale about a Christmas inflatable of an entirely different ilk. This story originated in 1999, and was alleged to be the winning entry to a Louisville Sentinel contest about the wildest Christmas dinner. Turns out, no such newspaper ever existed, and the writer remains unknown, but the story lives on, thanks to the good ol' Internet. (WARNING: Better put your drink down before you read it.) Now here, after a bit of minor editing on my part, is that story:

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace every Christmas Eve. He said the only thing he wanted was for Santa to fill them, but what they say about Santa checking his list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning,  the other stockings would all be bulging with treats, but Jay's poor pitiful pantyhose were still dangling empty.

So one year, I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses, a fake nose, and a ski cap, and went in search of an inflatable love doll.

Know what? They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore. By the way, if you've never been in an X-rated store before, two words: don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there for an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and  "Who would buy that?" 

So anyway, I finally made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane, but finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry, but I settled for the bottom of the price scale: Lovable Louise. To call her a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan, and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled Jay's pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" she snapped.

 I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" she continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.

 But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why risk it? It was Christmas, and nobody wanted to spend it in the back of an ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me, waggled his eyebrows, and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend, and a few minutes later, noticed Grandpa standing by the mantel, talking to Louise. And not just talking. He was actually flirting. It was then we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants, and Granny threw down her napkin, and stomped outside to sit in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

After that, Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies, and I'm pretty sure Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

                                                     *****************

This is gonna be my last post this year. Time to declare family time. But before I go, let me share a picture of our non-traditional Christmas tree I mentioned above.

Not too bad, right?

It's made of cardboard, cut in the shape of a tree,  painted green, and decorated with bubble lights and twinkle lights. Easy up, easy down, and we don't have to worry about our cats climbing it, or breaking our antique tree decorations, and I don't have to follow them around to pull tinsel out of their butts. PLUS, they can still look out the front window. Win-win all the way around.




         Merry Christmas.  May all your dreams... no matter how inflated...  come true.

                                Until next year, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Hot Splashes

Thought for the day: I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.  [Rita Rudner]

Remember waterbeds? Did you ever have one?

We did, and I thought it was absolutely fantastic.

Until it wasn't.



We first started considering a waterbed because I couldn't get a decent night's sleep on our old bed. Back and joint pain were keeping me awake and miserable, so my doctor suggested a waterbed. That was MY motivation, anyway. It's entirely possible my husband got HIS motivation from the sexy ads, stories, and innuendos being made about waterbeds at that time.

This is a picture of a generic waterbed. Ours was considerably larger and had a bookcase headboard and a bunch of storage drawers underneath, but the construction was essentially the same. A bladder to fill with water. A sturdy frame to support all that weight. A thick cover pad. And a heater.

And OHHHHHH, let me tell you, it was heaven to sleep on that mattress. Ours was "waveless", which meant there was slightly less danger of getting seasick on it. When you lay down on it, you sank down, and the warmth wrapped around you like a hug. Just wonderful.

Until something happened. I started to dabble in instantaneous combustion. Oh, I know that's not the proper name for it, but that's sure what it felt like. Power surges. Personal summers. Moments where enough heat radiated from me to warm a three-bedroom apartment.

So, why in the world would I want to sleep on a HEATED mattress, right? Right. So, I did what anybody in those circumstances would have done...

Every morning when I was making the bed, I'd nudge the thermostat down a smidgen. Y'know, just a little bit. But those little bits added up, and finally, finally, the bed started to feel WONDERFUL again.

To me.

Unfortunately, Smarticus wasn't impressed. I got my first clue when he dug out a pair of antique pajamas and started sleeping in them. (And he wasn't even SICK!)

Then, one morning, it happened.

He climbed out of bed and stood there beside it, glaring at me like a gorilla with a bad attitude. His back was slightly hunched with his head tilted toward me, and his arms were angled at his sides like a gunslinger preparing to draw. His pale blue lips were parted and ice crystals sparkled in his dark wavy hair.

Then his lips moved stiffly, and he spoke.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! YOU'RE SUCKING ALL THE HEAT OUT OF MY BODY!"

So I did what anybody in those circumstance would have done...

I laughed so hard I came precariously close to making the mattress wet on both sides.

But (sigh) we got rid of the bed.

How's about a funny waterbed video from Germany? This may not be the best prank ever, but it's pretty darned close. In case you can't read German, the sign is to warn people not to get on that bed. And I dunno, maybe they did what anybody in those circumstance would have done...

                                      Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause-- you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.  [Rita Rudner]

April Madness

Thought for the day:  The trouble with bucket seats is not everyone has the same sized bucket.

Happy April Fools Day! Not that any of us are fools, mind you.

Fancy that. I'm actually gonna do a post BEFORE I head to the grocery store this morning. (Then maybe I can get back to that editing this afternoon.)

So, do you like to pull pranks on April first? (Or are you an all-year-round equal-opportunity prankster?) I've been known to pull a trick or two over the years, but nothing too outrageous. One of the (few) things I miss about writing that monthly newsletter for amateur radio enthusiasts is the liberties I always took with the annual April issue. One time, it backfired on me, though.

Ever hear of BPL? That stands for Broadband Over Power Lines. That's a technology in which internet service would be provided via the power lines. A plug and play idea, more or less. And a very bad one, especially from the viewpoint of amateur radio. Power lines were never designed for this purpose, and are inadequately shielded, which means that BPL would splatter, and cause extensive interference throughout the radio spectrum.

Anyway, in one of my April issues, which came out shortly after Michael Powell was replaced as chairman of the FCC, I wrote a newsy-sounding article about the shocking "new rulings" the FCC had made about BPL, but I THOUGHT I'd written it outrageously enough that everyone would laugh and recognize it for the joke it was meant to be. I mean, at the end of the article, I even said that Michael Powell would have loved to implement those changes while he was chairman, but "his daddy wouldn't let him." (General Colin Powell)

Unfortunately, one of my readers believed it. (I should've known better than to kid about something as serious as BPL) And that one reader worked for our state's emergency management. And he wrote an angry letter to his congressional representative, based on the crap I'd made up about the FCC.

Not good. I was mortified, and he was angry at first, but did come around in the end. Even managed to laugh about it. But I learned my lesson. Every April issue after that had numerous disclaimers to prevent something like that from happening again.

OK, in honor of the day, I'm gonna fill you in on some of the best April Fools jokes ever played:

• In 1957, a TV show on BBC announced that due to a mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. Accompanying the report was some footage allegedly showing Swiss farmers pulling strands of spaghetti from the trees. Anybody fooled? It would appear so. The station received a barrage of calls from people wanting to know how to grow their own spaghetti at home.
• In 1985, Sports Illustrated played a good one. They ran a story about a rookie pitcher named Finch who'd been signed by the Mets. Said he could throw a ball an amazing 168 mph, and that he'd mastered this never-before-achieved skill while living in a Tibetan monestary. Anybody buy this story? Well, let's just say that the Mets fans' celebrations were short-lived.
• In 1996, Taco Bell outraged U.S. citizens when it announced that it had purchased the Liberty Bell, and was going to rename it-- you guessed it-- the Taco Bell. When Mike McCurry, who was White House press secretary at the time, was asked about it, he said the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold, and was about to be renamed the Ford Lincoln Mercuty Memorial.
• In 1962, Sweden only had one TV channel, which broadcast in black and white. The station's tech expert announced on the April first newscast that newly developed technology now made it possible for viewers to convert their TVs to receive in color. All they had to do is pull a nylon stocking over the screen.
• In 1977, a British newspaper included a seven-page supplement in celebration of the 10th anniversary of San Serriffe, a small republic in the Indian Ocean, which allegedly consisted of several semi-colon shaped islands. The articles went into great detail about the geography and culture of the two main islands: Upper Caise and Lower Caise.
• In 1976, Patrick Moore, a British astronomer, told his rapt radio listeners about an upcoming once-in-a-lifetime astronomical occurence. He claimed that at precisely 9:47 AM, Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, and this would cause a brief gravitational realignment that would reduce gravity on Earth. He said, if they jumped in the air at that exact time, they'd experience a floating sensation. Did anybody believe him? Well, he WAS a very well-respected astronomer. Hundreds of people called the radio station later to report that they'd felt the sensation.
• In 1992, NPR announced that Richard Nixon was running for president again. His new campaign slogan? "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." To enhance the believability of the story, they ran sound clips of "Nixon" announcing his candidacy, provided by impersonator Rich Little. Surely, nobody bought that story, right? Wrong. The station was flooded with calls from outraged listeners.
• In 1998, a newsletter, titled New Mexicans for Science and Reason, included an article claiming that the state of Alabama had changed the value of pi from 3.14159  to the "Biblical value" of 3.0.
• In 1995, Discover magazine wrote that an Italian biologist by the name of Aprile Pazzo had discovered a new species in Antarctica. Said species was to be named the hot headed ice borer. These creatures were described as having bony plates on their head that became so hot, the critters were able to zip through the ice in a highly effective technique for hunting penguins. P.S. In Italian, Aprile Pazzo means April fool.
• In 1998, Burger King ran an ad in USA Today about the introduction of the "left-Handed Whopper." In honor of the approximately 32 million lefties in the country, the new burger would include the same ingredients as the usual whopper, but the condiments would be rotated 180 degrees. Surely, everyone got a good laugh out of this and then moved on, right? Not so. Would you believe the burger chain received thousands of requests for the new burger, as well as orders for the original "right-handed" version?

                                        Now, I don't care who you are ... that stuff's FUNNY!


OK, 'nuff for now. I hope you all have a wonderful day. Don't let the jokesters get ya! Don't forget to come back tomorrow and see what the weirdest news story of the week will be this week. Ooooh, so much to choose from! Take care of yourselves. And each other.

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No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
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