Hot Splashes

Thought for the day: I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.  [Rita Rudner]

Remember waterbeds? Did you ever have one?

We did, and I thought it was absolutely fantastic.

Until it wasn't.



We first started considering a waterbed because I couldn't get a decent night's sleep on our old bed. Back and joint pain were keeping me awake and miserable, so my doctor suggested a waterbed. That was MY motivation, anyway. It's entirely possible my husband got HIS motivation from the sexy ads, stories, and innuendos being made about waterbeds at that time.

This is a picture of a generic waterbed. Ours was considerably larger and had a bookcase headboard and a bunch of storage drawers underneath, but the construction was essentially the same. A bladder to fill with water. A sturdy frame to support all that weight. A thick cover pad. And a heater.

And OHHHHHH, let me tell you, it was heaven to sleep on that mattress. Ours was "waveless", which meant there was slightly less danger of getting seasick on it. When you lay down on it, you sank down, and the warmth wrapped around you like a hug. Just wonderful.

Until something happened. I started to dabble in instantaneous combustion. Oh, I know that's not the proper name for it, but that's sure what it felt like. Power surges. Personal summers. Moments where enough heat radiated from me to warm a three-bedroom apartment.

So, why in the world would I want to sleep on a HEATED mattress, right? Right. So, I did what anybody in those circumstances would have done...

Every morning when I was making the bed, I'd nudge the thermostat down a smidgen. Y'know, just a little bit. But those little bits added up, and finally, finally, the bed started to feel WONDERFUL again.

To me.

Unfortunately, Smarticus wasn't impressed. I got my first clue when he dug out a pair of antique pajamas and started sleeping in them. (And he wasn't even SICK!)

Then, one morning, it happened.

He climbed out of bed and stood there beside it, glaring at me like a gorilla with a bad attitude. His back was slightly hunched with his head tilted toward me, and his arms were angled at his sides like a gunslinger preparing to draw. His pale blue lips were parted and ice crystals sparkled in his dark wavy hair.

Then his lips moved stiffly, and he spoke.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! YOU'RE SUCKING ALL THE HEAT OUT OF MY BODY!"

So I did what anybody in those circumstance would have done...

I laughed so hard I came precariously close to making the mattress wet on both sides.

But (sigh) we got rid of the bed.

How's about a funny waterbed video from Germany? This may not be the best prank ever, but it's pretty darned close. In case you can't read German, the sign is to warn people not to get on that bed. And I dunno, maybe they did what anybody in those circumstance would have done...

                                      Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause-- you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.  [Rita Rudner]

Drivel from a Ditzy Dizzy Dame

Thought for the day:  The trouble with bucket seats is everybody doesn't have the same sized bucket.

Is the world spinning, or is it just me?

I never much cared for rides that spin you around. I dunno; maybe I inherited my poor grandmother's propensity for sea sickness, but what I do know is I don't like that nauseating feeling of being wobbly and off-balance. But I AM learning to live with it.

For more than a month, I've been fighting tinnitus and vertigo.What cracks me up is that one of the side effects of the medication the doctor prescribed is  ... dizziness. Swell, right? So, while most people have to imbibe multiple adult beverages to lurch around the room like a fool, all I have to do is stand up. Essentially, I'm getting the buzz without the booze. So, at least for now, I truly am a dizzy dame. And feeling rather ditzy, to boot. So if I ramble even more than usual today, sorry 'bout that.

Here we are, the first day of June. We surpassed ninety degrees multiple times in May, and today's supposed to be the hottest day so far this year. So, I ask you ... HOW

IS IT ????

• Chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
• Hot water is coming out of both taps.
• Birds are using pot holders to get worms out of the ground.
• The worms are crunchy.
• Cows are giving evaporated milk.
• Seat belt buckles can double as branding irons.
• Sun tea can be made instantly.
• Parking lot asphalt is sticky.
• Trees are whistling for the dogs.

In spite of the heat, we'll be using our new charcoal grill today. And it's all our son-in-law's fault.

A couple weeks ago, he promised us the best pork chops we'd ever eaten in our entire lives. And he delivered. Big time. So much so that we went to Wally World and bought a charcoal grill just so we could reproduce them at home. And tonight's the night. 

And, what's more, I'm going to tell YOU the secrets to making these fabulous chops! Believe me, they will be the BEST, I promise you, the BEST you've ever tasted. The recipe came from the pages of the August, 2009 Cook's illustrated magazine. The magazine calls them, "Really Good Grill-Smoked Pork Chops", but they lie. NOT "really good." The B-E-S-T. 

• Grill preparation: You'll want a disposable aluminum pan (or something similar) in the center of your grill, with hot coals on either side of it. (So you'll have HOT sections on the sides, and a COOLER section in the middle.)  Soak 2 cups of wood chips, (preferably hickory) for about 30 minutes, and then place the chips onto the hot charcoal. Put your grate in place, and then close the lid until the grate is hot and the chips are smoking. (about 5 minutes)
• You'll need rib chops, approximately 1 1/2 inches thick. (Don't trim the fat!)
• Rub the chops with salt/ pepper mix and pass two skewers through the loin muscle of each chop, and then space them about an inch apart on the skewers. (The idea is to be able to stand your chops up on the grill, bone-side down, and to allow the smoke to circulate through them.)
• Once the grate is hot and the chips are smoking, place skewered chops, bone-side down, in the center of your grill, right above the aluminum pan. Cover, and cook approximately 30 minutes.
• Remove chops from grill so you can take out the skewers. Brush one side of chops with sauce, then place them, sauce side down, over the hot charcoal. Cook, uncovered, for 2-4 minutes. Brush sauce on topside, then turn to sear other side over the hot charcoal for additional 2-4 minutes.
• Remove from grill and tent with aluminum foil, allowing meat to rest for five minutes.
• ENJOY!!!!!
• SAUCE: I suppose you could use whatever your favorite sauce is, but here's the recommended recipe: 1/2 cup catsup; 1/4 cup mild molasses; 2 T grated onion; 2 T Worcestershire sauce; 2 T Dijon mustard; 2 T cider vinegar; 1 T brown sugar. Combine ingredients in a small saucepan and simmer over medium heat, stirring occasionally, for 5-7 minutes. (until it reaches a catsup-like consistency) Set 1/2 cup of it aside to serve at the table. The rest, for the grilling itself.

Oh man, now I've got pork chops on my mind. They are sooooo good. Charred crust, rosy-pink moist meat, and a true smoky flavor. Try 'em. If you like pork chops, I guarantee, you will LOVE these. 

I reckon this is enough disjointed babble for one day. Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other. I believe I'm gonna go make some BBQ sauce.