Poo-Poo That Porcupine Passion!

Thought for the day: Florida, where it isn't enough to have ONE river named the Withlacoochee. They've gotta have TWO. 

What can you say about Florida? With so many aging retirees relocated there, it's kinda like Heaven's waiting room, isn't it? Then again, with all the sunshine, palm trees, and white sandy beaches there, some might even consider it a little slice of Heaven right here on earth.

My paternal grandmother, who was born in Scotland, was enamored with Florida, even though her first visits there were somewhat disillusioning. In the early '60s, she came back to Maryland, completely aghast at how many times she and her husband were duped by big gaudy signs and commercial cons. (I reckon I got my gullibility naturally.) But it didn't prevent them from returning again and again.

One of the neat things about Florida is its wide diversity of tourist attractions. Many of them are still festooned with gaudy signs, but thankfully, commercial cons are mostly a thing of the past. The picture to the left is of the Everglades National Park. At 2100 square miles, it's the world's largest mangrove forest, and also contains the slowest moving river in the world. And there's LOTS of wildlife there.

             Like alligators.

Because of its large alligator population, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission advises all Everglades visitors to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, to carry pepper spray, and to be on the look-out for fresh signs of alligator activity. Like their droppings. Believe it or not, the savvy visitor can even estimate the size of a gator by examining  its droppings. Small gators naturally leave behind smaller droppings, which usually contain fish bones and bird feathers, while the droppings of large gators contain little bells, and smell like pepper spray.

Where else but in Florida will thousands of people gather for the specific purpose of tossing dead fish? Every year, the Flora-Bama Beach Bar in Pensacola hosts its annual "Mullet Toss," in which customers stand at the state line with the express purpose of flinging dead fish into Alabama. (I kid you not!)

Okay, let's check out a few pictures:

old Spanish fort, St. Augustine

Ever visited the Fountain of Youth? (also at St. Augustine) Let me tell ya, you can smell the water long before you see it or taste it. Let's just say that anyone who can gag down a healthy amount of that stuff deserves to stay young. Smells kinda like sewage. Very heavy on the sulfur. Nasty. Saps, like me, who are willing to taste it, in spite of its aroma, are given a small amount in a paper cup. Gross. I mean, this is Florida. A sweet citrus flavor would've been nice, dontcha think?

And of course, there's the magic of Disney World.

And the story of a little girl who went there for the first time, and fell in love with that enormous roller coaster Space Mountain. She couldn't get enough of it, and waited patiently in line with her parents over and over again for the thrill of yet another ride. The following year, her parents took her back, and while they were waiting in the Space Mountain line, the little girl frowned at the sign warning about the ride's speed, and decided not to get on the ride. When her father asked why she was nervous when she'd enjoyed the ride so much the year before, she said, "This year, I can read."

Then, there's Cape Canaveral, and the Kennedy Space Center. My hubby and I watched a Space Shuttle launch from there a couple years ago. Awesome!

Wouldn't you LOVE to swim with dolphins?

Or with manatees?

Now, this is just totally cool. There's a unique Bed & Breakfast, called Wildlife on Easy Street, located on the outskirts of Tampa. What makes this place so unusual is, for a one hundred dollar donation to the refuge, visitors can cuddle with an endangered cub of their choice, including baby bobcats, cougars, and leopards.

Okay, I'm sure you've all seen pictures of snorkeling in the coral reefs, the gorgeous white sands, and the palm trees swaying in the breeze, so no need to show them here. You've probably also seen pictures of some of the disastrous aftermaths of Florida hurricanes. (Alas, every paradise has its pitfalls.)

So, without further ado, let's move on to the laws. What nutso laws still lurk on the books in the Sunshine State?

• It's illegal for a doctor to ask a patient if he owns a gun.
• The state constitution allows that pregnant pigs not be confined in cages.
• It's against the law to sell your children. 
• Be careful if you go to a beauty shop, ladies. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer.
• A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sundays.
• Sorry, but if you leave your elephant tied to a parking meter, you're gonna have to feed money into the meter.
• It's illegal to sing in a public place while wearing a bathing suit. (Well, all right, then. Take it off?)
• Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. (Helloooooo, wear a shawl, sweetie!)
• Alas, having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (Not to mention painful.)
• You may not fart in a public place after 6PM. (Whoops! Six o'clock. Time to put a cork in it . . .)
• In Cape Coral, it's illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway OR on the street in front of your house. (Redneck discrimination!)
• In Cape Coral City, if you have a hankering to park a couch in your carport, be prepared to pay a fifty dollar fine.
• In Daytona, it's considered a public nuisance to put water in your flower pot if it isn't capable of draining properly. (By golly, SOMEBODY'S gotta look out for those plants!)
• In Destin, it's illegal for a store owner to allow anyone to pass out free ducklings in front of the store. (Back alley deals only, baby!)
• In Destin cemeteries, it's illegal to lean a bicycle against a tree, drive over a grave, or sell ice cream.
• In Hialeah, ambling and strolling are considered misdemeanors.
• And in Key West, chickens are a protected species. (No KFCs there, eh?)

And now, boys and girls, it is once again time for (ta-DA!)

The Weirdest News Stories of the Week

*** Chris Walton, of Las Vegas, placed a bet on herself and won. She's been grooming herself to set a new world record, and her attempts have been growing by leaps and bounds for the past eighteen years. That's how long it's been since this lady has cut her fingernails. Her record-setting nails measure a total of nineteen feet, nine inches. That's ten feet, two inches on her left hand, and a measly nine feet, seven on her right. She claims to do her own nails, make-up, and housework, too. How about that? The irony is, with all that fingernail power, I'll betcha she can't even scratch her own nose when it itches. And (ahem) I'm thinking she must own a bidet.

*** He's already scaled the walls of the Grand Canyon, walked the 311 miles from Tokyo to Kyoto, and driven for 24 hours straight on the LeMans racetrack. Next up? Hawaii's famous Ironman triathalon. An amazing athlete, you say? A jock? Well, yes and no. He's actually a tiny green-and-white robot names Evolta. Created by Japanese electronics firm Panasonic, this little guy measures about a tenth the size of his human competitors, and is expected to take about ten times as long to complete the grueling run-bike-swim Ironman competition, which will be taking place in October. To adapt to the requirements of the different legs of the competition, Evolta has three different bodies, and his batteries, mounted on his back, can be recharged up to 1800 times.

These two would-be do-it-yourselfers may be separated by an ocean, but they have one big thing in common. Booze. After filling his belly with copious amounts of alcohol recently, a Florida man attempted to pull his own tooth with a pair of pliers. His horrified wife called police, who hauled him away when he became belligerent. I'm hoping the poor schnook gets some dental care while he's in the pokey. The other DIY guy is a South Wales inventor, who sparked an explosion this week that blew out the windows and damaged the roof of his home. No, it wasn't an A-bomb tinkerer this time. This gentleman was trying to brew himself some homemade vodka. Guess it had a bigger kick than he bargained for, eh? And I have a feeling that now he understands only too well why some people call that stuff firewater.




A quick update on last Friday's tale of the would-be convenience store robber, who was laughed out of the store because of his Gumby get-up. The nineteen-year-old and his nineteen-year-old accomplish turned themselves into the police. They've both been released, and no decision has yet been made as to whether or not to press charges, (for being inept?) but the police did confiscate the Gumby costume. Maybe the guy should consider dressing up as Mickey Mouse for Halloween this year.

Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

+++
No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
+++