Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Hot Splashes

Thought for the day: I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.  [Rita Rudner]

Remember waterbeds? Did you ever have one?

We did, and I thought it was absolutely fantastic.

Until it wasn't.

We first started considering a waterbed because I couldn't get a decent night's sleep on our old bed. Back and joint pain were keeping me awake and miserable, so my doctor suggested a waterbed. That was MY motivation, anyway. It's entirely possible my husband got HIS motivation from the sexy ads, stories, and innuendos being made about waterbeds at that time.

This is a picture of a generic waterbed. Ours was considerably larger and had a bookcase headboard and a bunch of storage drawers underneath, but the construction was essentially the same. A bladder to fill with water. A sturdy frame to support all that weight. A thick cover pad. And a heater.

And OHHHHHH, let me tell you, it was heaven to sleep on that mattress. Ours was "waveless", which meant there was slightly less danger of getting seasick on it. When you lay down on it, you sank down, and the warmth wrapped around you like a hug. Just wonderful.

Until something happened. I started to dabble in instantaneous combustion. Oh, I know that's not the proper name for it, but that's sure what it felt like. Power surges. Personal summers. Moments where enough heat radiated from me to warm a three-bedroom apartment.

So, why in the world would I want to sleep on a HEATED mattress, right? Right. So, I did what anybody in those circumstances would have done...

Every morning when I was making the bed, I'd nudge the thermostat down a smidgen. Y'know, just a little bit. But those little bits added up, and finally, finally, the bed started to feel WONDERFUL again.

To me.

Unfortunately, Smarticus wasn't impressed. I got my first clue when he dug out a pair of antique pajamas and started sleeping in them. (And he wasn't even SICK!)

Then, one morning, it happened.

He climbed out of bed and stood there beside it, glaring at me like a gorilla with a bad attitude. His back was slightly hunched with his head tilted toward me, and his arms were angled at his sides like a gunslinger preparing to draw. His pale blue lips were parted and ice crystals sparkled in his dark wavy hair.

Then his lips moved stiffly, and he spoke.


So I did what anybody in those circumstance would have done...

I laughed so hard I came precariously close to making the mattress wet on both sides.

But (sigh) we got rid of the bed.

How's about a funny waterbed video from Germany? This may not be the best prank ever, but it's pretty darned close. In case you can't read German, the sign is to warn people not to get on that bed. And I dunno, maybe they did what anybody in those circumstance would have done...

                                      Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause-- you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.  [Rita Rudner]


  1. Uh-oh! A thermostat! Guaranteed fount of martial conflict :)

  2. The video with the water-logged Deutschlanders is funny! So is your tale of your personal waterbed woes.

    I've never heard of anyone extacting heat from a waterbed, unless they were having sex (okay, it was a crude and unnecessary remark).

    I've been on a few waterbeds in the course of my sordid past, and I never liked them. I prefer a good old-fashioned lumpy & uncomfortable mattress.

  3. I never owned one, but I remember my son buying one in his second year in college. He told us it was for comfort, but we suspected he had other motives as he had never mentioned having back problems before.

    Your description of your very cold husband is hysterical. My husband, whose body temperature was always much warmer than mine used to sleep with just the sheet covering him and I would be rolled up in the blankets. Now it is the opposite. The fan has to be on at all times for me, but the degree of speed is a bone of contention with us.

  4. I've never had a water bed, but we've had two air mattresses. When it sags, you just pump it back up!

  5. I'm not sure why, but I had a waterbed when I was a little girl. One night I was burning up, like cooking. I kept going in to tell my parents, "I'm really hot, it's too hot," and they kept sending me back to bed, telling me not to be ridiculous. Then finally came to check it after I complained long enough, and the thermostat was turned right up something shocking.

    Never fancied one since then, for some strange reason. ;)

    Love your descriptions, Susan. Your blue-lipped angry husband. LOL!

  6. Hahahahahah!!!!! ""I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! YOU'RE SUCKING ALL THE HEAT OUT OF MY BODY!" Hahahahahah!!!! That's just beauty, right there!

  7. laughed myself silly.

  8. LOL! Love the video.

    A friend of mine had a waterbed. She loved to sew while sitting on the bed. Was a little too used to using her mattress as an impromptu pin cushion...yeah, the bed didn't last long in her house.

  9. Is sex really better on a waterbed? A friend of mine said it was.


  10. I never owned a waterbed but slept on one several times and it was, indeed, very comfortable, until it sprang a leak. Not so good.

  11. Botanist- HA! You've got that right!

    Jon- Glad ya liked it, my sordid friend.

    Arleen- I reckon all of us who manage to stay married long enough get to eventually experience the flip-flop of our internal thermostats. (And I'm sure your son was purely interested in comfort, Ma.)

    Dianne- At least with an air mattress, you never have to worry about getting wet.

    CarrieBoo- HA! Well, since you already experienced the overheated version of a waterbed, maybe you can imagine just how cold that big ol' mass of water can become, too.

    Laura- I thought it was pretty darned funny, too. My husband still fails to see the humor in it...

    Delores- Glad to hear it!

    Linda- Yeah, waterbeds and pins aren't very good companions. I was even afraid to wear my pierced earrings on our bed.

    Janie- Your friend lied.

    Mr. C- No, waking up with wet sheets is never a great experience.

  12. Wow, that took me back. I had a waterbed for years. It's probably why I have back problems today. LOL. Finally sprung a leak, though, and had to get rid of it. I felt like such a grown-up when I went and bought a box spring and mattress. :)

  13. L.G.- Okay, so you had the waterbed. Did you also have a black light and a poster on the wall that looked reeeeeally cool in that light??? (HA!) I mean, that WAS the '70s, right?

  14. Your description of your husband made me laugh. Out loud.

    My ex-husband and I had a waterbed in the early 80's. I was pregnant and prone to being warm, so I would turn the thermostat lower, too. He accused me of wanting to turn it into a block of ice. Just one of many reasons he is the "ex" now.

    The sign in the video actually encourages people to test the mattress, but asks people to remove sharp objects (like cell phones or keys) from their pockets. Very official-sounding invite to test the mattress. Very evil - loved it!

  15. This is one of the funniest things I've ever read. I love to laugh and you just made my late evening. Pardon me while I get a Kleenex to wipe my eyes.

  16. You described the same waterbed a lot of us had, I actually still had the headboard and drawers on our kingsize bed long after the waterbed mattress was long gone Ha Ha

    I would love to see that prank in person that was so funny, it actually looked like one Cindy and I would fall for, or into :)

  17. Liza- Glad you liked it.

    Pixel Peeper- Glad I made you laugh. Ah, good to know about that sign. Someone else gave me the incorrect translation, and I kinda wondered about it. The people, especially the first couple, made such a big deal of removing the sharp stuff before they jumped onto the bed. Funny stuff, though.

    Colleen- Super! Glad you found this funny.

    Jimmy- Actually, we still have and use the original headboard and under-the-bed drawers. (Waste not, want not!)

  18. fun story.
    I remember water beds..the cool guys had them. i don't think i ever even sat on one!

  19. Great story with your hubby! You found the perfect video, and accompanying quotes! Julie

  20. Never had a water bed but each of my three siblings did not long after I joined the army.

    Not sure what prompted them to do such a thing but there were issues. The first was weight, the bedrooms for each of my siblings was upstairs and almost immediately the floor started to sag. That was solved when that brother moved into his own apartment.

    The next issue was the usual problem with the bed being too cold at night for my sister. Her water bed either did not have a heater or it was broken. Whatever the case she simply stopped sleeping on it. She bought a "normal" bed and slept in empty bedroom Brother 1 used.

    The biggest problem was my other brother's water bed, it started leaking one day and well, after that my mom had to call her insurance agent for several kitchen appliances.

  21. priceless video!
    Rita's quote is not quite right. In male menopause men get to make fools of themselves trying to date young girls

  22. Hi Susan .. that bed story is funny - I'm so pleased the first lady laughed!

    I never did have a water bed and often wondered about them - love your story .. poor hubby!

    Just crazy video ... cheers Hilary

  23. Annmarie- I don't know how cool we were, but our kids sure thought it was cool to pile into that bed with me when my hubby was away on a business trip.

    Julie- Thanks. Glad ya liked it.

    Beach Bum- HA! Yeah, those beds did have some issues.

    Al- Point well made.

    Hilary- Yeah, that video is pretty crazy. I especially like how hard the last two ladies on there were laughing. Cheers!

  24. Hot flashes make me miss New England. There's nothing like standing outside in -15 weather during a hot flash--bliss--the heat just gets sucked off.

  25. Hey Susan,
    Ah yes, my human Gary mentioned he used to own a water bed. He rather enjoyed the comfort of it. That was the good news. The bad news was that it leaked and the folks living below him in the apartment block in Vancouver were not amused. Luckily it was quickly sorted out and not much damage done.
    Water time he had with that bed. And note, I'm not going to say something silly like, do you get wet dreams on a water bed....
    Thanks for this, Susan. Maybe we can get water beds back in fashion. Then we could surf the net from the bed. Arf! Arf!
    Pawsitive wishes and doggy kisses, Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star! xx

  26. lol!!
    When I got married my hubby brought with him his water bed. He raved about it. I wasn't so sure. It wasn't waveless. And Hubby and I differ in size by a lot, so while he sank into the bed, I kinda lay perched, lol. I celebrated when we finally bought a 'real' bed. hehehe.

  27. I'm looking forward to the young girls and motorbikes!

  28. Connie- Oh, yeah, I can just imagine. Sticking your head into the freezer works pretty well, too.

    Penny- HA! "Water" time, indeed! Good think you weren't around when Gary had that waterbed. Waterbed mattresses and dog claws don't get along very well.

    Lynda- Oh, now that's funny. You probably didn't think so at the time, though. I'm not sure I could've handled a non-waveless bed without dramamine.

    Cro- I have a feeling your lady would nip that notion in the bud.