Kicking a Few Things Around

Thought for the day:  In football, everything is complicated by the presence of the opposite team.  [Jean-Paul Sartre]

Okay, so granted, Sartre was probably talking about that other kind of football, the one we Americans call soccer, but it's still a nifty quote. And although soccer is a nifty game, we're not gonna talk about it today. Nope, we're gonna kick around some stuff about American football.

You a football fan? We're rabid avid Falcons fans. Our kids and grandkids, too. See? Even though they live in Florida, our younger son and his baby boy were all decked out in style to watch the Falcons play this past Sunday. (Too bad da Birds didn't win. Wait 'til next week, though!)


RAH! RAH! Now that football season has started, I figured I'd blatantly seize the opportunity to explain a couple football happenings from my novel Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade. (Aw, crap, she's talking about her damned book again.)

NO, no, now wait. Hold on. I'm not pimping my book. A couple readers questioned these two items is all, so I thought I'd remind y'all that I wrote a book address them here. You might even find it interesting.

Characters MaryBeth and Willie go to a Washington Redskins game, and a reader from Baltimore wanted to know why the heck they didn't go to a Baltimore Ravens game, fuh cryin' out loud.

Well, Baltimore's in love with the Ravens now, but that wasn't always the case. Its first love was the Colts, who played there from 1953 until 1983, when they slunk out of town under cover of darkness to move to Indianapolis. After that infamous departure, many locals threw their heart-broken support to the Redskins. Our story takes place in the late '90s, and although the Ravens started playing in Baltimore in '97, some fans were reticent about supporting the newbies, so they stuck with the Redskins for a while. Ergo, MaryBeth and Willie went to a Redskins game. (Plus, I had an ulterior motive for getting them on the Baltimore-Washington Parkway.)

Big Georgette and Boss Hog

Much to my surprise, the other question came from my very own Smarticus. He wanted to know what the deal was about them wearing pig snouts at the game. (Oh, like that's any dumber than fans wearing a big block of cheese on their heads?)

Anyhow, in the 1980s, the 'Skins offensive line was... how shall I put this... large. Very large, as in super-sized. Their coach Joe Bugel called them... the hogs. (Ah-HA!)

Yep, so beginning in 1983, twelve male 'Skins fans... dubbed the Hogettes...  started donning dresses and pig snouts to every game to cheer on their team. (They also raised a considerable amount of money for charity.)

When this iconic group retired in 2012, it had twelve active members and fifteen former ones. Three were inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame as part of the VISA Hall of Fans. (I'll betcha the hall has inducted at least one cheesehead, too.)

Bottom line? This group started wearing snouts in honor of the original hogs of the early '80s, and other fans quickly followed suit. ( No telling how many of the fans who wear them to games today know why they wear them, but now... you do.)

With a new season underway, football fans are... floating on air.

Hey! How's about some football funnies? Believe it or not, these are actual quotes:

• Joe Theisman- Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. (Um, yeah. Good ol'... Norman.)
• Torrin Polk- (talking about his coach) He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings. (Heck, why not? Joe Namath wore pantyhose.)
• George Rogers- I want to rush for 1000 or 1500 yards, whichever comes first. (I'm thinking this guy probably wasn't a math major.)
• Bill Peterson- (former Oilers coach) You guys line up alphabetically by height. Peterson also gets credit for this one: Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl. (Math wasn't his strong suit, either.)
• Dick Butkus- I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was important — like a league game. (Aren't all NFL games league games?)
• William Perry- I've been big ever since I was little. (And he was, too! AKA Refrigerator, Perry was 200 pounds at the age of eleven!)
• Jerry Rice- I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that. (No, of course not.)
• Thomas Henderson- (referring to Terry Bradshaw) He couldn't spell cat if you spotted him the C and the T. (Now that's just mean.)
• Joe Namath- I don't know if I prefer Astroturf to grass. I never smoked Astroturf. (He probably couldn't get it to light.)
• John Elway- I normally run the 40-yard dash in 4.9, but when a 280-pound guy is chasing me, I run it in 4.6. (Darned good incentive to step it up a bit, I'd say.)

*****

                                               Half-pint footballers pull off quite a trick:

                                    Here's a little something for you fans of that other football.

                                                                       ( Happy?)

                                    Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Football is like life— it requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication, and respect for authority.  [Vince Lombardi]

Football is the ballet of the masses.  [Dmitri Shostakovich]

I like football. I find it's an exciting strategic game. It's a great way to avoid conversation with your family on Thanksgiving.  [Craig Ferguson]

Baltimore Spice

Thought for the day:  Anyone can love a perfect place. Loving Baltimore takes some resilience.   [Laura Lippman]

On Tuesday, I asked if y'all thought a city could have a personality. What can I say about Baltimore? It definitely has personality. And attitude. Lots and lots of attitude, hon. Even though we moved away from there more than forty years ago, part of my heart is still up there. Matter of fact, Baltimore is where my book Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade takes place.

There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. [H.L. Mencken]

Well, I can't say that I've had them fifty different ways, but I've yet to try any that weren't lip-smacking good. I mean, just look at this crab cake, wouldja?

It's a real crab cake, meaning it's made with luscious lumps of honest-to-goodness blue crab meat. Not a bunch of breading and vegetables. Yeah, sure, I like green peppers and celery and onions, too, but in the name of all that's good and holy, none of that stuff belongs in a crab cake. Crab meat belongs in a crab cake.

And this belongs in a crab cake. Yep, if Baltimore could be defined by a flavor, it'd have to be Old Bay. It's a must-have in every self-respecting Baltimore kitchen, not just for crab cakes, but for steamed shrimp and crabs, too. Some people even put it in their scrambled eggs, but um, I'll pass on that one.

                   

For better or for worse, Baltimore is also known for the kinda spice found on its infamous Block. Ah, yeah, that's where a long line of well-known strippers have performed over the years, and where decades and decades of soldiers and sailors drooled and spent their cash. At one time, this section of Baltimore Street may have had a certain amount of class. Maybe. Back in the sixties, I walked through the Block in broad daylight to get to where I had to take a civil service test. I was curious about the gaudy looking joints, but not curious enough to slow down and take a good look.

Talking about taking a good look, in Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade, a busybody neighbor who lives across the street from Tindeco Wharf seems to get her greatest kicks from looking out her window and into the business of everyone she sees below. Mildred is particularly interested in Pearl's comings and goings, and insists that her husband get up from his easy chair and take a look, because she's sure that woman is up to no good:

     Thornton looked out the window and grinned. "I'll be damned! Do you know who that is?" he said. "That, my dear, is Blaze Starlet. Classiest stripper Baltimore Street ever saw." He smoothed his eyebrows with some spit, and ran a hand through his hair. "I believe I'll go down there and see if that young lady needs a hand."
    Mildred grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the window. "You'll do no such thing! I think we should both sit down and mind our own business."
   Hiding a smile, he let her lead him back to the easy chair, which was precisely where he wanted to be in the first place. That oughta keep her away from that window for a while, he thought smugly.
    Blaze Starlet. Damn, I crack me up.

****

Old Bay and the Block's brand of spice aren't the only defining flavors of Baltimore. Since it was a primary entry point for European immigrants prior to the opening of Ellis Island, ethnic neighborhoods and restaurants abound. If you've got a hankering for a particular European dish, there's a good chance you can find an authentic version of  it. And lots of beer to wash it down, too. Neighborhood taverns, many of them owned and run by a live-in family, freckle Baltimore's landscape as abundantly as churches. And not all of them are, shall we say... showcases:

   George steered his truck into a dimly lit gravel lot near the water's edge, and parked beside a dingy cinderblock building. Looked like Hoover may have been president the last time the place got a coat of whitewash, and the neon palm tree flickering beside the door was moaning a 60-hertz dirge, but the Budweiser sign in the window was all he really needed to see...
   ... Inside, the bar smelled like low tide, mixed with rancid cooking oil and cheap cigars. Limp curtains drooped at the windows, the chipped floor tiles bore evidence of use and abuse, and the tables and chairs looked like rejects from a last chance mix-and-match sale at the Salvation Army thrift shop.

****

It's kinda funny. After Smarticus read my book, I asked him if that Miller's Island bar George went into sounded like any of the places he'd frequented in the old days. He said, "Yeah. All of 'em."

Okay, just so you don't think this post is all about (ugh) self-promotion, let me leave you with a few smiles. Since Baltimore is on the water, and activities on the Chesapeake Bay and down the ocean are so much a way of life, the following comments, allegedly made by actual children, seemed rather appropriate. And heck, what do I care about appropriate, anyway? They're funny! Yep, it seems that kids do say the darnedest things. (Thanks, Pat!)

• Kelly, age 6- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
• Jerry, age 6- Oysters' balls are called pearls.
• Mike, age 7- If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. 
• Kylie, age 6-  Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my friend any more.
• Billy, age 8-  A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
• Millie, age 6- My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
• William, age 7- When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
• Helen, age 6- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
• Christopher, age 7- Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
• Kevin, age 6- When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
• Julie, age 7- On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.
• Bobby, age 6- The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know.
• James, age 7- My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.

                                Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

What's Old is New Again

Thought for the day:  Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.  [Thomas Edison]

Some people have a real knack for taking a bunch of seemingly useless odds and ends, and turning them into pieces of artwork... or into something new and useful. They often rescue items that were otherwise destined for the dump, clean them up, and turn them into something entirely different.

Some developers have the same sort of talent, but on a much grander scale. They see an area that looks like a dump, and picture its potential as a place of beauty. Let me tell ya, what developers did to transform Baltimore's Inner Harbor is nothing short of miraculous. Locals are still somewhat bemused to see tourist buses in town, but they're darned proud of their city's phenomenal face lift, too.

The Tin Decorating Company of Baltimore, or Tindeco for short, opened in 1900, and by 1914, was the largest tin decorating plant in the world. When the presses were running, all the windows had to stay closed, because a draft could mess up the images in the wet paint. So with all that heavy machinery running, not to mention giant ovens in use... can you imagine how beastly hot it must have been inside that factory in the middle of a sweltering Baltimore summer? Oh, and they also had an in-house surgical department, too. Those big sheets of tin they worked with weren't only slippery when wet with paint; they were sharper than razor blades. In other words, I'll betcha lots of guys who worked there had the nickname Stubby.

The factory changed hands a couple times over the years, but closed down for good in 1965, and quickly deteriorated into an eyesore. Then voila! Like magic, in 1985, it became repurposed as luxury apartments. Who'd a thunk it?  

And... it happens to be home sweet home for one of the characters in Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade:

Pearl turned onto Boston Street and followed it from Ida's neighborhood of want all the way to Luke's neighborhood of plenty. His apartment looked down its nose at the harbor from atop a converted seven-acre building that used to be Tindeco, the largest tin decorating company in the world. Now the former factory was called Tindeco Wharf, and in addition to upscale offices and shops, it offered high-dollar living at its finest. Much to the amusement of Baltimore's old-timers, the rich and trendy couldn't whip out their platinum cards fast enough for the privilege of living there.

Because I was curious about the old tinware and nouveau living quarters, I thought you might find it interesting, too.

Check this out. There's an Olympic-sized pool out back, right next to the harbor. I'll bet those guys who were shut up in that hot-as-hell factory would've gladly given up another finger or two for the luxury of being able to cool off in a pool. (Even a kiddie pool!)

This lobby sure doesn't look like it was ever part of a factory, does it? You can only see one in this picture, but there are actually two cabinets against the wall on the left, and they both hold spiffy samples of Tindeco tinware.

Here are some candy and cookie tins. Peter Rabbit was a popular design, as was Mother Goose.

Cigarette tins. Lucky Strike... no strike back! (Anybody remember that?)

Intricately painted containers for Christmas and Halloween are very popular with collectors.

How do you like these Roly Poly fellas? Each of them originally held about a pound of tobacco.

Dunno why, but I only took one picture of this other cabinet. Too bad, because some of this stuff was pretty neat, too. (We probably high-tailed it out of there to get some lunch.)

Here's a closer look at a couple Peter Rabbit tins. The first was produced in the '20s, and the second, in the '40s.

Animal crackers, anyone?

Uneeda has to be one of the best names ever for a brand of tea, dontcha think?









Pretty cool, huh? Have any old factories in your town turned into trendy places to live?

What's the most unusual case of repurposing you've ever seen... or done yourself? Smarticus pulled off a pretty cool one. (In addition to his repurposed-out-the-wazoo 1930 Model A ratrod, that is.) At a hamfest some years back, he bought a wooden shipping box full of vacuum tubes. Not that he needed the tubes; he already had a ton of them. What he did need was something handy-dandy to put beside his end of the love seat, and that box looked like the perfect size. It still has the old Ft. McPherson mailing address stamped into it, but with the addition of a couple pieces of wood (which secures the crate's lid.. I mean, table top... about six inches above the crate) and a coat of polyurethane, it makes a dandy... and very unique table/magazine rack.

As we like to say... it suits us!

                                Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.