Super-Size It, Cowboy

Thought for the day:  In the covered wagon days, if a baby was born in Texarkana while the family was crossing into the Lone Star state, by the time they reached El Paso, the baby would be in third grade.  [Wallace O. Chariton]

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Can ya dig it?

You'd better believe it, pilgrim; they do things up BIG in Texas. Shoot, there's a ranch near Corpus Christi... King Ranch... that's bigger than the entire state of Rhode Island! Then again, I reckon Texas needs big ranches. After all, the state has upwards of  sixteen million cattle. (You gotta beef with that?)

Most of us associate the Lone Star State with oil wells, cattle ranches, pick-up trucks, and twenty-gallon Stetsons, (Hey! Ten gallons ain't big enough for Texans!) but it also has more sheep (and wool) than any other state, as well as the largest herd of whitetail deer in the country. Add to that the largest rose garden in the world at the 22-acre Tyler Municipal Rose Garden, and the not-so-hot reputation for releasing more greenhouse gases than most countries on the planet. Oh, and let us not forget the world's largest Calf Fry Cook-Off, held in Amarillo every year. What's that, you say? Shhhhh... bull testicles. Um, yeah.

The deadliest natural disaster took place in Texas, too— the Galveston hurricane of 1900, which killed from 8000-12000 people. (And no, I don't know why there's such a wide range in the mortality estimate.) As hard as it may be for Texans currently suffering through a miserable drought to believe, the state holds the national record for the most rainfall within a 24-hour period. During Tropical Storm Claudette in 1979, a total of forty-five inches drenched the state, forty-three of which fell within that 24-hour time frame. Lots of other superlatives to describe Texas, but suffice it to say it boasts the world's largest parking lot, (at Dallas/Ft.Worth Airport) the world's largest rattlesnake round-up, the largest Ferris wheel in the Western hemisphere, and a place called Big Texan Steak Ranch Restaurant, where what must be the world's largest steak is served. Anyone who can eat its signature 4 1/2 pound steak within an hour gets it for free. What a deal, huh? Unfortunately, there's no indication as to whether the restaurant provides a free ambulance ride to the cardiac care unit afterwards.

WAIT! Hold the presses! In the midst of all these biggest claims to fame, and there's plenty more of them, Texas also holds one lonely little record for the smallest. Warrenton, Texas has the smallest Catholic church in the world. It measure twelve feet by fifteen feet, and can seat fifteen parishioners, but its doors only open once a year. (Easter, maybe?)

Okay, before I end up turning this into the biggest post, how's about if we move along and check out some pictures, shall we?

 Some people who consider these critters to be little more than an armored nuisance may refer to them as a rat on the half-shell, but to me, they're right up there with the duck-billed platypus. The armadillo is the official state animal of Texas, and while some of you may have already known this little tid-bit, I find it to be fascinating: they always have four babies. The female lays a single egg, and then it splits into four, so all four babies are always of the same sex, too.

The Alamo, in San Antonio, is the memorable site where 187 determined Texans fought and died in 1836, while attempting to defend the fortress against 4-5000 Mexican soldiers.

In Ft. Worth, you can find Billy Bob's Texas, the world's largest (of course!) Country and Western honky-tonk. Would you believe this place is sooooo big, it actually houses a 4800 square foot rodeo arena?! Yowza. Pictured here is the rather sizable dance floor. Can't you just imagine the blaring music, and a huge crowd of people shuffling around the floor, doing the Texas two-step in blue jeans and pointy-toed cowboy boots?

The Texas capitol building, which opened in 1888,  was built with fifteen thousand carloads of pink marble. Yep, you guessed it; it's the largest state capital building in the country. Matter of fact, its dome is seven feet higher than the National Capitol in Washington, D.C.

Texas is the only state that's been governed under six different national flags: Spain, France, Mexico, Republic of Texas, the Confederacy, and the U.S. It's also the only state that joined the union by way of a treaty, (in 1845) and by virtue of it being a sovereign nation before joining, it retained some rights denied to other states:  For example, Texas owns all of its land, so the Federal government must ask permission if it wants to create a park or cut timber there. The state also retains the right to fly its state flag at the same height as the national flag.

Katy, Texas was once the home of America's only replica of China's Forbidden City. Known as the Forbidden Gardens, this amazing place had these full-scale statues, as well as a complete recreation of the Emperor's throne, and a 1/3 scale terra cotta army. Unfortunately, this unique site closed in 2011 to make way for the Grand Parkway. When it closed, the terra cotta soldiers were offered on Craig's List for one hundred dollars apiece, but excessive demand quickly shut down the offer. Whatever happened to them and the rest of the items that were in Katy? I don't know.

Other really-musta-been-cool stuff that used to be in Texas, but are no more: the Flagship Hotel on Seawall Boulevard in Galveston. It used to be the only hotel in North America that was built completely over the water. Alas, it was demolished in 2011. Okay, so maybe cool isn't the most appropriate word to describe this place, but it is... gone. Plano used to be the site of the Cockroach Hall of Fame Museum. Uh-huh. Big ol' dead roaches were dressed up and displayed in dioramas... one was sitting at a tiny piano, dressed up like Liberace. See? Unique, right? Anyhow, the owner closed up shop and moved to Phoenix last year. So who knows? You guys in Arizona might pick up another new museum in the near future.

Curious about that biggest rattlesnake round-up in the world I mentioned earlier?

Who needs a museum devoted to roaches? The Perot Museum of Nature and Science in Dallas sounds a heckuva lot better. It includes a children's museum, segments on sports, dinosaurs and evolution, energy, and earth sciences. Even has an earthquake simulator. I don't know if it's the biggest museum, but it does have a 1.5 ton geode— that's gotta be pretty high up there on the top of the scale. But what sounds most intriguing to me about this museum is a build your own bird exhibit. Visitors can select wings, birdsong, ( Born to Be Wild would be kinda fun...) diets, tails, feet, and feathers to construct it, and then they can put on 3-D glasses and make it fly! That's outside of anything I've ever seen in a museum, so it sounds totally cool to me.

The San Jacinto Monument, near Houston, is among the tallest in the world. At 570 feet, it's twenty feet taller than the Washington Monument in D.C.

The first suspension bridge in the United States is the Waco Bridge, which was built in 1870, and is still used today as a pedestrian crossing of the Brazos River.

Here we have another museum. Located in San Antonio, the Witte, among other things, houses the Hertzberg Circus Collection, more than 4200 artifacts from the heyday of circus popularity, dating as far back as 1893.




The sheriff and a deputy from Trinity, Texas were on TV a couple weeks ago, and they mentioned a popular pastime in their small town. Something called chicken poop bingo. Natch, that piqued my sophisticated curiosity, so I had to check into that. Guess what? I even found a video! (Lucky you!)

Okay, we've gotta get your minds off chicken poop, so how's about stuffing them with sausages? Because of its large (Of course!) German-heritage population, New Braunfels holds a ten-day festival every year in celebration of wursts. Naturally, it also includes appropriate music and attire... and oh yeah, beer. Matter of fact, guess what else you can see at this festival? The world's largest beer bottle collection.



Okeydoke, let's move on to see what kinds of cockamamie laws are still languishing on the books in the fine state of Texas, shall we?

• One must acknowledge a supreme being before being able to hold public office.
• It's illegal to sell one's eye. (Maybe you can lend it?)
• It's against the law to swear in front of a corpse, or to indecently expose one. 
• When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. (Say, huh?)
• It's illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. (So sit down, bozo!)
• It's against the law to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. (Go up a flight or two.)
• It's illegal to milk another person's cow. (That kinda sounds like a euphemism, doesn't it?)
• A recently passed anti-crime law require criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. (How, um, considerate of them...)
• The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas, because it contains a recipe for making beer at home. (How dastardly! I guess the recipes for homemade explosives aren't a problem.)
• In Abilene, it's illegal to idle or loiter with the purpose of flirting or mashing. (But officer, those sweet little taters were asking for it!)
• In Austin, it's against the law to carry wire cutters in your pocket. (How about a Leatherman?)
• In the town of Borger, you can't throw confetti, rubber balls, whips, firecrackers, or... feather dusters. 
• Texas must have a problem with feather dusters. In Clarendon, it's illegal to use one to dust any public building. (Keep those foxy feathers at home, ladies.)
• Sorry, you can't raise an alligator in your home if you live in Corpus Christi. 
• It's illegal to own a realistic dildo in Dallas. (Paint it, maybe? With stripes and polka dots?)
• In El Paso, it's against the law to wear a lewd dress in public. (Honest, officer, my dress isn't like that at all— it's just friendly...) 
• Better sit on those hands! In Galveston, it's illegal to make offensive gestures at a special event.
• You also have to get permission from the director of parks and recreation before getting drunk in any city parks. Oh, and you can't let your camel run loose on the beach, either. (Better put a leash on him.)
• Finally, in Galveston, it's also illegal to throw trash from an airplane. (But it is still permissible to flush.)
• Fire and brimstone is okay to preach from the pulpit, but thou shalt not disrupt any church service in Harker Heights by swearing.
• In Houston, it's illegal to sell limburger cheese on Sundays. (Now, that just stinks!)
• Also in Houston, beer may not be sold after midnight on Sunday, but it may be sold on Monday. (?)
• In Lubbock county, it's illegal to drive within arm's length of alcohol... even if that alcohol is in another person's bloodstream. (Put the lush in the trunk!)
• I guess parents in Mesquite can't save money by cutting their kids' hair. It's against the law for children their to have unusual haircuts.
• The dress code in  Odessa makes it taboo to wear a star of David or a peace symbol, because they're both considered satanic symbols.
• In Port Arthur, it's illegal to emit obnoxious odors in an elevator. (I'll bet midgets really appreciate this law.)
• In San Antonio, it's against the law to flirt or respond to flirting with the eyes or hand. (Using other body parts is evidently acceptable.)
• In Temple, cattle thieves may be hung on the spot, and it's AOK to ride your horse into the saloon. (A whiskey for me, and a double oatmeal cookie in a bowl for my friend here, barkeep.)
• And finally, last but not least, in Texarkana, owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights. (Where do ya put the battery?)

This is ordinarily the point at which I'd say it's time for (ta-DA!) the weirdest news stories of the week, but I don't have time to hunt for them right now. (Sorry.) One of the strangest— although we really shouldn't be surprised— stories in the news recently involves good ol' never-give-up politician Weiner from New York. His twitter tallywhacker-waving made the news a couple years ago, which of course I  had great fun with in an unlikely hero post but he's baaaaack! Not only does he have the temerity to run for mayor of New York, it seems (surprise!) his much-publicized regrets about his past behavior, which caused him to step down from his Congressional seat last time... may have been nothing more than regret about being caught with his pants down, because it didn't stop him from tweeting more pics of himself. The funny thing? Based on other political scandals, there's a good chance he'll be elected. Go figure. I guess it's a case of better the hooligan ya know than the one you don't. 

Oh well. No weird news, but here's some cowboy philosophy and humor, courtesy of Will Rogers. (1879-1935)

• There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
• Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
• A fool and his money are soon elected.
• Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
• Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
• Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
• What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
• All I know is just what I read in the paper, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
• Letting the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
• Buy land; they ain't making any more of the stuff.
• Things ain't what they used to be, and never were.
• Get someone else to blow your horn, and the sound will carry twice as far.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.

.As a heads up, the lovely Janie Junebug is gonna be interviewing me on her blog on Monday. We'd love it if you'd be neighborly and stop on by for a visit. We'll throw a nice little side of beef on the grill . (Don't worry... plenty of veggies, too.)

That's it for now, pardners. Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

[Images courtesy of Wikipedia, morguefile, and seniorark]

American History and an Unlikely Hero

Thought for the day:  The moon is always full, even if you only see a sliver.

Not to sound like an old poop, but what kind of education are our children getting these days? It's no secret that American students have been lagging students in other countries in subjects like mathematics and science for a number of years, but according to data released yesterday by the U.S. Education Department, their grasp of  history is circling the drain, too.

I will grant you that young people today easily use and evidently understand a plethora of hi-tech devices and gadgets that weren't even in existence when I was in school, but isn't it troubling that in a recent test,  only 12% of high school seniors demonstrated proficiency in American history? And what' s even more discouraging is that this is approximately the same sorry level of proficiency shown by high school seniors when the test was last administered five years ago. In addition, fourth-graders and eighth-graders also did poorly, showing proficiency rates of 20% and 17%, respectively. Sure, I'll also grant you that there was (ahem) a helluva lot less history to learn when I was in school, but achieving a basic understanding of history, not to mention geography, math, literature and science, SHOULD be a given in our public schools. And it concerns me that it isn't.

Let me add a caveat here after the fact. I am in no way intending offense to any teachers, parents, or students. I am merely passing comment on the latest results of the National Assessment of Educational Progress testing. The percentage of students who passed these tests is appallingly low. I'm not passing judgement as to why that's the case, only that it is the case. 

Although today's teens may know more about the latest American Idol than they do about our American presidents, I'll betcha they all know something about a certain Representative Anthony Weiner. Unfortunately, we ALL know much more about America's latest "folk hero" than we ever wanted to know. For those of you who live beyond American soil, this foolish man rocketed into our collective consciousness when pictures he took of himself and then sent to a number of young ladies came to light. When the first round of photos became public, he tried to tell us he "couldn't say with a certitude" that it was his underwear in those pictures, and that someone had obviously "hacked his twitter account". Not an easy position to maintain, however, when the next round of pics came out, because unfortunately for him, they showed his face. Not to mention other anatomical parts. Got the (ahem) picture?

Now, I wasn't planning to write anything about him. I really wasn't. I mean, what can you say about a politician whose current claim to fame is wiggling his (ahem) weiner at young women via twitter and facebook? But after reading this morning's newspaper, I simply cannot resist.

                                     Would you believe there is now an action figure in his likeness?

That's right, people. Called Little Anthony, the figure is offered by the Connecticut-based online company HeroBuilders.com and is available in two different versions. One, which can be posed in all kinds of possible photo op positions, is going for $39.95, but for a mere ten dollars more, you can purchase the more anatomically correct "adult" version. (One can only speculate as to what kind of "action" this model demonstrates.) Both versions are clad in underwear, with the words Tweet this emblazoned on the shorts.

Not into dolls, you say? Fear not. Everybody wears tee shirts. Now, you too can own your very own Weiner tee shirt. Here you can find shirts with such unforgettable logos as

• Tweet your meat, lose your seat! 
• A bigger weiner than Dick Nixon
• Don't tweet your meat

and, to be a little different, 

• Junk mail

And here you can find shirts with such logos as

• Try not to trip over my weiner   and
• I can't say with certitude that this is my shirt

I mean, you've gotta love the enterprising spirit of America, don't ya? It seems that no matter what happens, somebody in this great country comes up with a tee shirt to mark the occasion. So we've pretty much come to expect the tasteless tee shirts, but how about some genuine Weiner condoms??? I kid you not. About these only-available-for-a-limited-time condoms, the webpage says, Sure to last longer than his marriage.

I'm sorry.

It isn't very kind to pick on someone when he's down. After all, Weiner claims to be going into treatment, so perhaps I should show a little more charity and compassion toward him than our late night comedians have shown. But I ask you, exactly what kind of treatment is available for what ails this man? The best I can tell, his only remorse is over getting caught, and I suspect he rather likes the notion of an action figure in his image. 

For our students of today, there is always opportunity to further their education. For politicians like Weiner, all I can say is, You can't fix stupid.

Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.