Hot Splashes

Thought for the day: I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.  [Rita Rudner]

Remember waterbeds? Did you ever have one?

We did, and I thought it was absolutely fantastic.

Until it wasn't.



We first started considering a waterbed because I couldn't get a decent night's sleep on our old bed. Back and joint pain were keeping me awake and miserable, so my doctor suggested a waterbed. That was MY motivation, anyway. It's entirely possible my husband got HIS motivation from the sexy ads, stories, and innuendos being made about waterbeds at that time.

This is a picture of a generic waterbed. Ours was considerably larger and had a bookcase headboard and a bunch of storage drawers underneath, but the construction was essentially the same. A bladder to fill with water. A sturdy frame to support all that weight. A thick cover pad. And a heater.

And OHHHHHH, let me tell you, it was heaven to sleep on that mattress. Ours was "waveless", which meant there was slightly less danger of getting seasick on it. When you lay down on it, you sank down, and the warmth wrapped around you like a hug. Just wonderful.

Until something happened. I started to dabble in instantaneous combustion. Oh, I know that's not the proper name for it, but that's sure what it felt like. Power surges. Personal summers. Moments where enough heat radiated from me to warm a three-bedroom apartment.

So, why in the world would I want to sleep on a HEATED mattress, right? Right. So, I did what anybody in those circumstances would have done...

Every morning when I was making the bed, I'd nudge the thermostat down a smidgen. Y'know, just a little bit. But those little bits added up, and finally, finally, the bed started to feel WONDERFUL again.

To me.

Unfortunately, Smarticus wasn't impressed. I got my first clue when he dug out a pair of antique pajamas and started sleeping in them. (And he wasn't even SICK!)

Then, one morning, it happened.

He climbed out of bed and stood there beside it, glaring at me like a gorilla with a bad attitude. His back was slightly hunched with his head tilted toward me, and his arms were angled at his sides like a gunslinger preparing to draw. His pale blue lips were parted and ice crystals sparkled in his dark wavy hair.

Then his lips moved stiffly, and he spoke.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! YOU'RE SUCKING ALL THE HEAT OUT OF MY BODY!"

So I did what anybody in those circumstance would have done...

I laughed so hard I came precariously close to making the mattress wet on both sides.

But (sigh) we got rid of the bed.

How's about a funny waterbed video from Germany? This may not be the best prank ever, but it's pretty darned close. In case you can't read German, the sign is to warn people not to get on that bed. And I dunno, maybe they did what anybody in those circumstance would have done...

                                      Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause-- you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.  [Rita Rudner]