Friday, July 8, 2016

Pairs Nicely With Possum

Thought for the day:  Wine is sunlight, held together by water.  [Galileo]

[morguefile]
No doubt about it, Galileo was a smart dude, and his comment about wine explains a lot. Like why people who drink too much of it later complain about a burning sensation in their gut. Makes sense, right? I mean, it's obviously due to an overexposure to all that sunlight. (They should maybe swig a bottle of sunblock first.)

Talking about wine, there was an article about an award-winning wine in the newspaper last week ... an award-winning wine from (ta-DA!) Wal-Mart. (!) Would you believe a cheap ass inexpensive wine sold exclusively through good ol' down-market Wal-Mart won Platinum Best in Show at the Decanter World Wide Awards? Called La Moneda Reserva Malbec, a Merlot made in Chile, this cheap ass inexpensive wine beat out 16,000 high-dollar wines in a blind taste test conducted by 240 international wine experts, so it wasn't just some poor cheap ass sot sitting on a park bench sipping it from a paper bag who said it's good... the experts said it. Costs about six bucks a bottle. Amazing, huh?

Alas, it's only sold in Asda, Wal-Mart's grocery chain in the UK. Think it'll ever make it onto Wal-Mart's shelves here in the US? Probably not. That classy name and its spiffy-looking label don't quite live down up to Wal-Mart's reputation in our country. Here, labels should probably be written in permanent marker on a strip of duct tape.

Several years ago, I received an email about Wal-Mart possibly bottling and selling its own wines in the near future, and selling them for cheap ass reasonable prices, like two to six bucks a bottle. Still hasn't happened, but if they ever do decide to bottle and sell their own brands, here are some smart ass helpful suggestions for names they can use:

  • White Trashfindel
  • Kendall Jacksoff
  • Walton's Pondscum
  • World Championship Wriesling
  • Headache in a Bottle
  • Sadder Home
  • Wrath of Grapes
  • NASCARbernet
  • Chef Boyardeaux
  • X-Lax Collection
  • Peanut Noir
  • I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar
  • Fifty Grades of Gag
  • Grape Expectations
  • Nasti Spumante

Okay, okay, I'll stop picking on Wal-Mart. But I'm not done poking fun at booze. Not just wine... but booze, in general.

Whiskey is, by far, the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold. [Jerry Vale]


In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked for his opinion of whiskey. Being the true politician that he was, this was his response, as recorded in the Political Archives of Texas:

"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

"However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

"This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."

You've gotta love a politician who can speak so articulately out of both sides of his mouth, but he's right, ya know. The abuse of alcohol can lead to all kinds of horrors, but as a social lubricant, it can also be quite... delightful.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. [Ben Franklin]

Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep;
Whoever sleeps long, does not sin;
Whoever does not sin, enters Heaven!
Thus, let us drink beer!   [Martin Luther]






Here's to alcohol, the rose-colored glasses of life. [F.Scott Fitzgerald]




A cute bar towel, huh? Not that it's at all applicable to any women I know.

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food.  [W.C. Fields]



Are these the coolest napkins, or what?

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three, I'm under the table,
After four, I'm under the host.
[Dorothy Parker]




Another bar towel.

I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it. [anonymous]


Yet another towel.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.  [Ben Franklin]



My personal favorite. This sign was next to the cash register in a wine-tasting shop.


Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. [Ernest Hemingway]

This sign was at an antique shop we visited after the wine tasting. It cracked me up. Of course, after three teensy weensy glasses of wine, everything cracked me up.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.  [Dave Barry]

Here's one of those fun make-believe billboards from the fine folks at dribbleglass

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.  [George Burns]


One must always respect one's beverage.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.  [Henny Youngman]

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it.  [Rodney Dangerfield]

Don't try to join the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. It turns out they're apparently against all three.  [Wiley Post]

The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer. [Ancient Egyptian proverb, circa 2200 B.C.!!!]




Okay, cheers! That's it for now. Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.



P.S. Just a quick update. In last week's post, I said Nathan's traditional 4th of July hot dog-eating contest got its start in 1916, when four immigrants competed to decide which of them was the most patriotic. Sounds good, huh? Turns out, the hot dog company has been trying to feed us more than hot dogs, because that's a big fat Whopper they've been telling since their PR folks came up with the story in the '70s. In their defense, their creative story isn't entirely made of baloney. After all, they've always prefaced their made-to-order story by saying Legend has it... 

64 comments:

  1. In my time I have consumed more than on glass of Vino Collapso, wine which I should have laid down and avoided. These days I am less poverty stricken and thoroughly enjoy a glass (or two) of merlot. Somedays wine o'clock is more than welcome.
    Whiskey? Cooking only.
    Beer? Makes a fine rinse for my once brunette locks.

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    1. I've never had a very high tolerance for alcohol, so I don't drink very much or very often. But when I was young, if I drank wine, I drank some super sweeeeet and cheap stuff. Makes my teeth hurt now just to think of them. They tasted like fruity soda.

      I never used actual beer on my hair, but there used to be a beer shampoo on the market that I liked.

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  2. Don't drink, wish I could. :)
    Great post, such fun, it's just horribly sad that I'm up late watching CNN about another shooting. 11 police officers shot. 4 Dead. May heaven help us all!

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    1. Unfortunately, drinking alcohol wouldn't do a thing to diminish the horrors of watching newscasts like that.

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  3. Susan, 3 miles down our country road, that nobody used to know about a few years back, they built a Walmart this year. I swore I wouldn't patronize the behemoth, but then, but then...I heard they had magnums--1.5 L-- of 2014 Woodbridge Pinot Noir --my beloved vin ordinaire (or vinho de mesa, I am half Portuguese)-- for 8 bucks a bottle. I became acquainted with Woodbridge because I used to pass that busy Acampo vineyard on the way to University of the Pacific in Stockton, where several of my kids studied from '88 thru '06. It's only 20 miles away. So yes, to my immortal embarrassment, I buy it at Walmart! But I cannot bring myself to buy the Malbec you mention. Let Chile sell where they will, I will at least be loyal to local vinyards which have helped me cope with life, my childrens' educations, my own overwhelming self-realizations, for so many years!

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    1. Hey! Don't be embarrassed about shopping at Wal-Mart. I think most of us do at one time or another. We all appreciate a bargain, but on most of their stuff, cheap price equates to cheap product. With Woodbridge, I think you're safe. :)

      Surprisingly, Georgia has quite a few of its own vineyards now. Pretty good stuff, too! (Even peach-infused!)

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  4. I wish I liked to drink more. I mean I wish I enjoyed alcohol, and I wish I enjoyed a lot of it. I'm not much of a drinker. I drink less as I get older. As for the good wine at Wal-Mart in the U.K., maybe they have the good stuff there because they're forced to pay employees a living wage in many other countries. When you treat your employees right, they insist on having a good bottle of wine that they can take home with them. Does that make any sense?

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I'm not much of a drinker, either. A little bit goes a very long way, and makes me get all giggly. (As if I don't already do enough of that...)

      I have no idea why the wine is only available at the U.K. stores, but your theory sounds as good as any.

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  5. I am definitely not a snobby wine expert, but I can confirm one fact: I have consumed fine wines at dinners in Beverly Hills and cheap unscrew-the-cap wines in the wilds of West Texas - and I hardly see any damn difference between them. Wine is wine. And wine is indeed sunshine.

    The Walmart wine list that you provided is absolutely hilarious. Unfortunately our local Walmart here in Tennessee doesn't sell liquor. Wine is NOWHERE to be found. And I can only buy beer in one tiny, over-priced store. I'd almost kill for a glass of wine.

    Prohibition ended over 80 years ago, but some of these Hickville religious zealots don't agree. I'm all for religion, but somebody should let them know that Jesus drank wine.

    I'll climb down off my soap box now.
    Do I feel better?
    Naw!

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    1. I enjoy a glass of wine with dinner every once in a while, but I'm no expert, either. Sounds to me like you're gonna have to consider making your own wine if you can't purchase it anywhere near you. It isn't difficult, and you might enjoy doing it. We made our own years ago, and it was fun. Tasty, too!

      Where our friends live in Tennessee, there are several package goods stores nearby, and even the local grocery store sells beer and wine now. (A fairly recent development) So maybe things will change in your neck of the woods, too.

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  6. Big Red Gulp - isn't that already a thing somewhere? Seems I've heard it on TV in a show I can't remember.
    I don't like wines, I'm not afraid f alcohol, although I'd prefer not to ever get drunk, I just don't like the taste.
    I especially don't like it when it's used in frozen "diet" meals for flavour. ugh! Give me proper food anyday, with real flavour.

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    1. Son of a gun! You're right, you smartie. I just did a google search, and our 7-11 convenience stores sell a drink with that name. With all of the truly bizarre names on various boozes these days, there could be an actual wine with that name, too. I reckon I'll remove that one from my list. Thanks for the good catch!

      No, I don't want to get drunk, either. Doesn't look like my idea of fun, but I do enjoy a wee drink every now and then. I didn't know any frozen meals added alcohol for flavor. Huh! Learn something new every day...

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  7. I had a couple of glasses of very expensive wine once. I drank the first one very slowly, trying to figure out why it was better tasting than my much cheaper fine wine. With my second glass, I didn't care.

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    1. I don't think I've EVER had a glass of very expensive wine. Just as well. My palate is so uneducated, the good stuff would totally be wasted on the likes of me. By a second glass? I wouldn't know (or care) what I was drinking...

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  8. this time of year, cheap Sangria is darn tasty poolside. Cheers to your post. Enjoy an elixir this weekend. And stay cool

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    1. We just had some Sangria last weekend. We were kinda "poolside." More like pool table side... (Kinda the same but different...)

      You have a super weekend, too. Hey! Thanks to the wonders of air conditioning, I'm always "cool"...

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  9. Maybe "Cracks Be Gone" could be their wine name. Drink too much and all the butt cracks blur of the shoppers there. I parted ways with alcohol long ago, after university I just don't even want to look at it anymore.

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    1. HA! Yeah, that'd be a good one. Maybe a diet wine would be in order, too.

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  10. This is so funny! I especially love your name suggestions for Walmart Wine. Here's to Wine O'Clock :)

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  11. I dunno about some of those Walmart wine names. A couple of the puns were pretty highbrow! ;)

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  12. I don't drink alcohol, but I found your post amusing. I liked all the quotes you found. Have a nice weekend! :)

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    1. I'm glad you found the post amusing. The consumption of alcohol makes EVERYTHING funny. :)

      You have a super weekend, too.

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  13. I really, really need to stop reading blogs while at work. At least my second oversize monitor kept anyone from noticing my spitting coffee all over the keyboard. :)
    LOVE the Wal-Mart names and especially, those wine towels.

    You've just made my day, and it's not even Noon!

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    1. Cool! I'm glad we got your day off to a good start :)

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  14. Love the pay in advance sign. Too funny. Also love Hemingway's quote. If only people followed that advice!
    Happy weekend!

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    1. I like that Hemingway quote, too, but I wonder if HE actually followed his own advise. I understand he was quite the drinker.

      Happy weekend to you, too!

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  15. I loved this post despite the fact I am teetotal! :-)

    Greetings from London.

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    1. I'm glad ya liked it. (You don't have to drink to have a sense of humor!)

      Greetings back atcha.

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  16. Its been an absolute age since i visited ..apologies x

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    1. Hi-ya! No need to apologize. It is ALWAYS good to hear from you, no matter how often or infrequent.

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  17. I think I have most, if not all, of those sage bits on something somewhere in my house. Lol!

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    1. Cool! You must have some pretty neat stuff around your house. :)

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  18. I've missed your hilarious posts while I haven't been around. I need to remember to blog on Fridays. I don't drink but I enjoyed this and if I substituted chocolate for Alcohol it fit me perfectly.

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    1. Well, I'm glad you're around now. :)

      Chocolate is my weakness, too. Just about any kind of sweet. Alcohol, I can take or leave, but sweets are a necessity.

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  19. I read about that Walmart wine story!

    Your collection of quotes was especially funny today! I can't drink much, either (I get really tired really fast!), but I do enjoy something red and sweet on occasion. Now that I've read your post, maybe right now might be such an occasion, to ring in the weekend.

    Have a great one!

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    1. I'm glad I wasn't the only one who read the story. :)

      I do enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner every once in a while, but my tolerance is really low, and I probably shouldn't drink it anyway with some of the medications I take.

      You have a great one, too!

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  20. Thanks for the good laughs, Susan! I don't know where you found all that - what a lot of research!

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    1. You're welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I do a lot of research for some posts, but this one was fairly easy. I took most of the pictures at a wine-tasting shop when my hubby and I were in the north GA mountains last year, and I already had the quotes saved from research I did for an earlier post. :)

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  21. I can not drink because of all the drugs I take none of them fun.
    When we went up to wine country with friends I was always the designated driver. Yea me !
    Enjoyed this post so much a much needed smile for today. I am posting a funny thehamish video tomorrow also.

    cheers, parsnip and thehamish

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    1. I've been the designated driver on more than one occasion, too. Suits me!

      I'm glad the post gave you a smile or two, and I'm looking forward to seeing our favorite pooch in a video. :)

      Have a super weekend!

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    2. Look for a special Saturday video today.

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  22. So funny, Susan. Love the Walmart wine names. I probably shouldn't be laughing given I'm a rather unsophisticated wine drinker and have a fondness for 7 Deadly Zins. I like the wine, but I love poem on the label.

    I’m raging with ire, an ocean of fire,
    My Wrath is the path to all I desire.
    Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.
    I’m inflated with pride, near-bursting inside,
    A self-centered repenter, Vanitys’ bride.
    Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.
    I’m mired in mud, inert as a slug,
    Sloth is the cloth that’s woven my rug.
    Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.
    I eat day and night, consuming all in my sight,
    A Glutton with nothing but a huge appetite.
    Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.
    My will I ignore, my Envy’s a chore,
    Over zealous and jealous, I want so much more.
    Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.
    I’m ravenous to feast, an insatiable beast,
    I concede to the Greed demanding release.
    Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.
    I hunger for trust, my craving’s a must,
    My sin is the Zin enslaving my Lust.
    Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.

    VR Barkowski

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    1. That poem is super. I'd buy the wine just for THAT! (And the name...) I'll be sure to look for it the next time I'm shopping for some. Thanks!

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  23. You always crack me up Susan... you bring the funny out in almost anything... I love the names for wine from Walmart... very apropos ...

    I never drank wine, I know crazy huh... I did drink occasionally... that politician was correct, if drank in moderation, it could be fun, it's too sad that most people have to go overboard... I love the signs xox

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    1. Thanks! That's because I think there IS humor in just about any situation. :)

      Yeah, some people think if a little of something is good, a LOT of it must be even better. Doesn't work that way.

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  24. Ok this validates a theory that I have always had! I have tasted cheap-ass fine, and supposedly "finer" wines, but I can never tell a bit of difference :)

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    1. I can't either. I think that means we don't drink very much wine. :)

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  25. Ha! I love all these, especially the quote from the congressman ("Sweat"? An unfortunate name.) Yay booze! Yay wine! Yay gin martinis!

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    1. Well, hey there! Good to hear from you again.

      HA! Yeah, "Sweat" is a pretty unfortunate name. Dontcha know he got teased unmercifully when he was a kid. :)



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  26. My mom and I are expanding our business into wine exports and the one thing I've learned that often, there is next to no difference between cheap and pricier wine. They just stick different labels onto the bottle.

    Also, if it's a Chilean wine, the "cheapness" probably has a lot to do with the exchange rate, which is the same thing we in South Africa are playing on when exporting, rather than lack of quality.

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    1. Interesting. So I can keep on buying the reasonably priced stuff with a clear conscience. :)

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    2. Kewl! (That's probably why my parents used to pour the booze they bought into decanters! HA)

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  27. This post made me smile. I'm not big on wine, but I'll have a glass once in a while.

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  28. I think Chef Boyardeaux is my favorite of those. I'd probably still drink it.

    We'll certainly never see that wine sold in any Walmarts here. In Colorado we can't even have beer or wine sold in regular stores. Womp womp.

    Also, fun fact: Ben Franklin did not actually say that about beer being proof that God loves us. That got twisted up somehow. While he did like beer, he actually preferred wine.

    "Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards, and which incorporates itself with the grapes to be changed into wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy!" - Ben Franklin

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    1. Let me see if I've got this right... you CAN buy pot legally in Colorado, but ya can't buy wine or beer in "regular stores?" I guess being liberal only works there in SOME areas.

      Thanks for the fun fact! Very interesting. That's one quote I've heard and seen so often, I didn't even think to question its validity. Not that I didn't take your word for it, but I did check... and you guys are right!

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  29. Just lets you forget the question is fun! And wouldn't it be fun if MS really poured wine?

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  30. Fine wine and Walmart? Ha! Very cute quotes :)

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    1. Yeah, doesn't exactly sound like a match made in heaven, does it?

      Thanks for stopping by.

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