Friday, September 1, 2017

Products with an Attitude

Thought for the day:  We're only young once, but with humor, we can be immature forever. [Art Gliner]


If that thought for the day is true, Smarticus and I are right on track for staying immature forever. (Works for us!)

Holy moley, it's September already! What happened to the summer? It's about to burn itself out... which means, I'll be ending my lazy assed delightful deluge of reruns. Soon. Not today. (Sorry.) This one originally ran in June, 2011 as Crack Cream, Anyone? It tickled my funny bone, and with the addition of a few updates, I hope it drags a chuckle or two out of you, too. Once again, I'm leaving the old weird news stories in place, too. They may be old, but they're still weird and funny. Like Smarticus and me.



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Thought for the day:  Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even when you wish they were.

Is there a song that momentarily transforms you when you hear it? For me, that song is Steppenwolf's Born to Be Wild. Who cared if I was actually driving around a bunch of kids in my old station wagon when that song came on the radio? All it took was the first couple of notes, and suddenly, my face and attitude changed. I was no longer mild-mannered, boring old MOM; I was a bad-assed wild woman tooling around in a '56 Chevy... or zooming on a Harley... or zipping around in a snazzy Corvette convertible. Funny thing is, I still want to belt it out and feel the wind in my hair whenever I hear that 1968 song, but there's another newer version now, and it's a bit more befitting of my age. (Damn it.)




Last week, I listed some books with rather interesting titles, but it occurred to me that you might be interested in some equally creepy children's books for that special youngster in your life. How about one of these? (Actual books!)
  • The Pocket Book of Boners   (an omnibus of school boy howlers and unconscious humor)
  • It Hurts When I Poop!   ( a story for children who are afraid to use the potty)
  • Where Willy Went   (the BIG story of a little sperm)
  • The Long Journey of Mister Poop   (The cover is hysterical. It shows Mister Poop, or Senor Caca, clad in a beret and plaid golf pants. And YES, Mister Poop IS exactly what you think it is!)

Moving on from the notion of strange book titles, let's now consider beauty products. Last week, I couldn't help but notice a tube of ointment on the shelf at the pharmacy. I mean, how could anyone miss it? It was called Crack Cream. Now, I'm sorry... this may be an absolutely fantastic product, but that name positively slayed me. Seeing that made me curious as to what other weirdo product names the market might have to offer. Found some, too. Consider whether or not you'd like to add any of these products to your shopping cart:

  • Trailer Trash eye pencil
  • Deep Throat blush
  • Fat Girl scrub
  • Udder Cream
  • Urban Decay beauty products  (how about some "roach" eyeshadow?)
  • Pedro's Lip Schit
  • Anti-Monkey Butt Powder
  • Boudreaux Butt Paste
  • Nads hair remover
  • Cat Crap  (an anti-fog for ski goggles)

and my favorite:
                                                 
                                                        
  • Chicken Poop lip balm   (Allegedly, when a gal whined about her chapped lips, her crusty old grandfather told her to smear 'em with chicken poop so she'd stop licking them. Ergo, the name. Don't know how good the product is, but um, maybe it'd sound a little better if they called it Eagle Poop? Uh, no. Never mind. A rose is a rose is a rose ... and poop ...  is poop ...  is poop.)
OK, it is once again time for the (ta-DA!)

Weirdest News Stories of the Week

* Proving that my post about the importance of a name may not be complete drivel after all, a gentleman in Britain may have tempted the fates when he recently purchased a second-hand, 16-foot cabin cruiser. She may have been a beauty, but she also sank when he took her out for her maiden voyage. The cruiser's name? Titanic II. 
* In compliance with his country's Freedom of Information laws, an Australian newspaper reporter petitioned the Department of Defense to provide him with copies of their X-files. After a fruitless two-month scramble to find them,  Defense finally had to admit that their reports of UFO sightings and other paranormal occurrences had (shhhhh) disappeared. (Abducted, perhaps?)
* The bride wore ... green? Oh, no, my mistake. Indeed, she wore a lovely white gown, but her FACE was green. Painted green, that is, and covered in 192 piercings. In 2000, when this Scottish lass was officially deemed by Guinness World Records to be the "most pierced", Elaine Davidson had but a mere 462 piercings, but she now boasts 6925 ...  including 1500 internal ones, which weigh in at nearly seven pounds. (Think her favorite kind of music is Heavy Metal?)
* To encourage the Chinese people to go vegetarian, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has been dressing an actress in ... salad. And holding the actual dressing, I presume. So rather than merely going green, this young lady has been going greens. Oh, and by the way, my husband and I are also members of PETA, only for us, it stands for People Eating Tasty Animals. Like Sarah Palin said, If God had not wanted us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?

                                   Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.



                                                                              


50 comments:

  1. Oh My Goodness ! What a post. I think I have seen the "Born To Be Wild" right here on your blog !
    You have a great weekend, Oh Wild One !

    cheers, parsnip

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You probably have, because I've posted that video several times. (And will probably do it again sometime, too, because I think it's really funny... and true, dammit...)

      You have a super weekend, too. Cheers back atcha.

      Delete
  2. Love (and sadly might resemble) Born to be Mild. But will publically deny it. Denial is NOT just a river in Egypt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HA! No denial here... I KNOW that song describes me!

      Delete
  3. I enjoyed reading. I liked the joke with the pensioner and dog. Some products sound bad before you even buy them!

    Thank you. Love love, Andrew. Bye.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I actually saw some of the Urban Decay products in the store the other day... but I did NOT buy any of them. :)

      Delete
  4. Mr Poop, in beret and plaid golf pants could segue right into It hurts When I Poop, especially if he has a nine iron to go with those pants. (*~*)

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  5. There's a little bit of everything here from geriatric wild children to a collection of personal piercings. The music video is just a little too close to home at this stage of my life. As to lMiss "look Ma, another hole in my head" I guess beauty really IS in the eye of the beholder.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, it's a real hodgepodge. :)

      The video is a pretty good description of my hubby and me, but thanks to that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" stuff, we judge each other through rose-colored glasses. (Thank goodness!)

      Delete
  6. Hi Susan - those titles are extraordinary ... gosh kids would go wild for them - I can 'hear' lots of meal times when these would be called up ... and hysterics ensue. Udder cream caught me off guard ... they are so much fun ... my mother and I had some crazy silly discussions along these lines when she was ill - we laughed and we were crying ... drawing the crowds in - nurses et al ...

    Love the first cartoon - that's crazy funny ... while your I was born to be wild - who'd not be camping it up to that music ... I certainly would ... fun post: don't come back too serious!?! - cheers Hilary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi-ya, Hilary. I know those titles sure would have stirred up some funny conversations around OUR dinner table. With my hubby and kids, that is. Our conversation was much more open and inappropriate than when I was a kid. Not much talking back then, funny or otherwise.

      HA! I'll try not to come back "too serious." Shouldn't be too hard. Even when I'm trying to be serious, the funny has a way of sneaking in, whether I want it or not.

      Cheers back atcha.

      Delete
  7. lol both quotes were great. We'll stay immature forever we think. If I wanted cat poop anything I could get it for free. Maybe I should go into business and put those cats to work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, good way to be. We have to grow old, but we don't have to grow UP. :)

      HA! Our cats provide lots of... um... fodder, too. :)

      Delete
  8. "Trailer Trash eye pencil"

    I bet that is some fierce liner, though.



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, but do we really WANT "fierce" eyeliner??? :)

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  9. You do combine the oddest things. Funny Friday and fierce trash. Have a super Labor Day Weekend. We are "cooler" here

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Why yes, thank you, I do. It's a little-known secret, but I'm an odd kinda gal... :)

      You have a super weekend, too.

      Delete
  10. Born to be mild...as long as we can be immature to keep it mildly interesting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, yeah, we can definitely be immature, but I'd rather try to keep things wildly interesting. :)

      Delete
  11. "El Gran Viaje del Señor Caca" -- It sounds so dignified but I'm glad Cervantes elected to go with another title. Fun post, Susan. I need fun on this very hot day.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. HA! Yeah, I'm glad Cervantes didn't pick that title, too.

      We ALWAYS need fun, dude. :)

      Delete
  12. Chicken poop on your lips? Ewww. I can't imagine anyone ever actually buying that lip balm. Wonderful and wacky post, Susan. Thanks for the smiles. Have a nice holiday weekend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HA! I don't think it actually has chicken poop IN it... that's just the name. :) (I STILL wouldn't buy it!)

      You have a super weekend, too.

      Delete
  13. Wild thing, you make my heart sing. You make everything groooovy, baby. Wild thing. Wild thing, I think I love you. But I wanna know for sure. So come on. Hold me closer (or is it tighter?). YOU MOOOOOOVE ME!

    Yeah, I know which part of his body moves and twitches, but that song makes me feel young. I'm pretty darn immature and proud of it. Some of those product names are a little freaky, but in the spirit of weirdness, I say they are wonderful.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm smiling. I love that "Wild Thing" is your "feel young" song, too, :)

      Nothing wrong with being immature. That just means our inner children are having fun.

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    2. Wild Thing makes me drive my car too fast.

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    3. Ooops. I only drive like a speed demon in my imagination.

      Delete
  14. I've always liked the idea of staying immature, much to my wife's disgust :) Never mind growing old gracefully, I intend to grow old disgracefully.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Your comment about growing old disgracefully reminds me of something my hubby used to say. He said he wanted to die at the hand of an irate husband while fleeing a love tryst at the age of 92. Disgraceful enough for ya? HA!

      Delete
  15. When I turned 61, my dad said: No matter, just turn the numbers around :) Love, cat.

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  16. I saw in one of your replies you called this a hodgepodge post ... which describes it well. I loved reading it, thanks.

    Also loved both of your thought for the day quotes ...

    All the best Jan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Most of my posts fall into the hodgepodge category. :)

      Delete
  17. I remember this hilarious post and the (also hilarious) video. You just knew I'd love those children's book titles, didn't you? They make my book look very tame....

    I'll readily admit to being weird, but I'll never utter the words "I'm old".

    Welcome to September!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy September, cowboy!

      Yeah, I did think those book titles would float your boat. (And if those books got published, there is NO reason why YOURS shouldn't be published, too.)

      Oh, I have no problem saying I'm old, but that doesn't mean I have to act like it.

      Delete
  18. I'll have "Born to be Wild" playing in my head for the rest of the night now.

    Of course, there are worse things than that. The beauty product names are hilarious and I'd swear you made them up, except I've seen some of them...with my very own eyes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Born to Be Wild" is a good song to have stuck in your head. At least it's upbeat. :)

      Hey! No need to make 'em up when there are already products with names like that on the market!

      Delete
  19. Love this! And may you and Smarticus stay weird and funny forever.
    x

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  20. I saw that Chicken Poop lip balm at Bed, Bath and Beyond and did a double take. It was definitely a head turner, lol. We didn't buy it. ;)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Cool that you actually saw the balm in the store. I've only seen pictures of it, but I have seen the Urban Decay products. (I didn't buy any of THEM, either!)

      Delete
  21. A green bride - now, that's interesting :-) I love the quote about hospitality. That's all too true.

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    1. I like that quote about hospitality, too. Somebody told me years ago that guests are like fish... after three days, they both stink. :)

      Delete
  22. That take on Born to be Wild is hysterical, Susan!
    I had to re-read this to make sure you weren't pulling our legs. :)
    All the same, Crack Cream and Chicken Poop lip balm might make a cute stocking stuffers. (Son and DIL inherited chickens when they moved.)

    When you put it that way, Tom and I are proud members of PETA, too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you like that parody, too. :)

      Some of those products would make fun stocking stuffers, but I think I'd stay away from gifting anyone with the "trailer trash" line... or the Fat Girl... Evidently, the Chicken Poop balm can be found at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

      Delete
  23. Replies
    1. I'm glad you think so, too. It's funny, and way too close to the truth. :)

      Delete