Friday, July 24, 2020

Another Update

 Thought for the day:  Appreciation is the highest form of prayer, for it acknowledges the presence of good wherever you shine the light of your thankful thoughts. [Alan Cohen]

May, 2019, when we were in Charleston celebrating our 50th anniversary
First off, let me express my sincere appreciation for all of you guys and your continued thoughts and prayers. Your kind words have meant the world to me, and they've never failed to put a smile on my face. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What can I say? The end is near. As much as I hate to say it, or to even think it, I know it to be true. I can't bear the thought of losing him, but I also know he wouldn't want to live like this, either. No one would. It's beyond horrifying what cancer does to the human body. I lie on the bed beside him and hold his hand. Stroke his arm. But I don't know if he even knows I'm there. I like to think he does, but I don't know, because it isn't really him any more. It's some bizarre bastardized shell of who he used to be.

The end will come as a blessing. For him. But God forgive me, not for me.

I know. It isn't about me. That's what I tell myself umpteen times a day when the tears start to fall. It's about him and about me taking care of him, but it's so hard to think of a world without him in it. It's hard to think of the things he'll never do again... all the things we'll no longer be able to do together. After knowing someone for more than sixty years, it's terrifying to envision the enormous vacuum he's going to leave behind.

Thank God for the hospice nurse. Mike didn't want any part of anyone else from hospice coming, and he didn't want any part of having a hospital bed, either, but he did agree to let the nurse come. Everyone keeps telling me to get the hospital bed, because it'd be easier for me. But that isn't the point, is it? He wants to die in his own bed. Without benefit of some stranger... i.e. a nurse's aide... taking care of him.  End of discussion, even if he can no longer speak for himself. That's what he told me, and my only choice is to honor his wishes.

Anyhow, the nurse... Kathy... has been coming twice a week to check Mike's vitals, and after a couple of weeks, she arranged her schedule so her visit with us is the last stop of her workday. That way, she can hang around and spend as much time here as she'd like. Really cool, huh? Yesterday, she was here for more than two hours. Talk about a blessing. We just talk (and talk and talk...) like normal people. And laugh. She feels more like a friend than someone who's here to do a job, and her visits are helping preserve my sanity. (Because no matter what anyone tells you, doing in-home hospice is HARD. The hardest thing I've ever done.) She says she spends more time with me because she likes me. Whether that's the case, or she simply sees me as someone desperately in need of company, I appreciate the living daylights out of her.

She agrees that the end is near. That means she'll be back today... and every day... for as long as I need her. Says I can call her any time, day or night.

I think there's gotta be a special place in Heaven for people like her, don't you?

So, bottom line, he's still hanging on, but just barely. As hard as it is, I'm grateful. We've had more years than most, and we sure had a helluva run.

Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come. [Rabindranath Tagore]






29 comments:

  1. I can imagine how you are feeling, and know how hard your situation is. Stay strong, and and it is wonderful that you are staying together till the end, and being there for him. I wish you lots of strength, and for your dear Smarticus a peaceful transit to his new dawn. Hugs, Valerie

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  2. I have been missing blog world but it hasn't stop me from thinking of you both everyday. I know in my heart that he knows you are there.
    Love and Hugs, gayle

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  3. Thank heaven for people like Nurse Kathy and I wish there were more in the world like her.
    I like to think Smarticus does know you are there holding his hand, some tiny part of him has to be feeling the love still.
    I don't know much about in-home hospice, but I remember my daughter and her family doing it day-by-day for her mother-in-law. Daughter, husband, father-in-law, son and daughter's daughter, all taking turns and sometimes all sitting together just talking and brushing her hair etc. They did get the hospital bed though and I remember she died on her birthday, but hadn't woken or known anything for several weeks before that.
    I think of you two every day and cry a little bit and I'm glad now that he isn't feeling any pain, hoping that his passing will be easy, for you as well as him. xoxoxo

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  4. Oh Susan.
    Tears here, with and for you and your family.
    And huge thanks for all the Nurse Kathy's in the world.
    And yes, I do think he knows you are there. I am sure he does.

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  5. I'm not sure I can even find the words. My prayers for you. I'm glad you have an angel like Kathy there to help you.

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  6. Dear friend - sounds like he's doing it his way and that's a good thing. And you are there and that's key. Your Nurse Kathy is an angel on earth. Sending a hug.

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  7. My heart goes out to you. What a blessing to have someone like Kathy with you for this.

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  8. I believe he knows you're there, Susan. I really do.

    Keeping you all in my prayers. Please take care.

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  9. YOU, my dear are an angel to honor Mike's doing it "my way." I, too, believe he knows you're right there. Thank you for this update; this prayer warrior's sending a big hug!

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  10. Yes, Hospice care people are very special ! I went through hospice with both my parents and they were our saving grace. Sending lots of love (((hugs and kisses your way.))( Prayers too that you hang in there through it al . It's not easy at all.

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  11. Susan, I admire your strength, bravery and determination to honor Mike’s wishes. I can’t imagine what a toll this has taken on you both physically and emotionally, and I hope you take a moment to step outside for some fresh air (if you can tolerate the heat) during dear Kathy’s visits. Of course she likes you. You are an extremely devoted wife and good person who never complains. Not only would hospice at home be extremely difficult under normal circumstances, but you’re still managing to stay calm and focused during a pandemic. I’m glad your kids and grandchildren were able to visit, and Kathy sounds like an exceptional human being. Keep doing what you’re doing, and I still believe that talking and singing to Mike might help. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been going through. You’ve provided Mike with love and laughter for most of your life, and he’s happily given it right back. Susan, you also have the gift of being able to live with no regrets, which I hope provides you with some comfort during this unimaginable time.

    Julie

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  12. This is the hardest thing you will ever do and you are handling it with so much love and grace. Your love story with Mike will never end. He knew that you would be there for him during these last weeks and days and even though you are unsure if he can here you, I am sure you are in his dreams and you are giving him comfort.

    The strength of a woman knows no bounds, but sometimes we need another to guide us through our darkest days. I am so glad that you have Kathy.

    Bless you, dear Susan. You and Mike are in my thoughts every day.

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  13. Oh, Susan. I am so, so sorry. God bless Nurse Kathy. We've had our own family experiences with hospice these past few years, all extremely positive, but I can't say they've been easy. My heart goes out to you and Mike. I'm as sure as I can be that he is aware of you there beside him.

    Forgive me for correcting you, but this IS about you, too, not only Mike. And Mike will always be in the world--your world--tucked safely inside your heart, where, after all, he's lived all these years. As corny as that sounds, it's true. A lifetime of love can never be extinguished.

    Man, I wish there were a way I could ease your pain. *Big Virtual Hug*


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  14. Susan, this update is far beyond heartbreaking - I cried when I read it and I know from firsthand experience the agony that you are enduring.
    May God bless you and give you strength. My positive thoughts and fervent prayers are with you. Hugs and love....

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  15. Dear Susan, please accept my loving concern. We've been penpals a long time and I have come to admire you, Mike and your beautiful family. Thanks for updates. Our thoughts and hopes are with you.

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  16. Susan I understand where you are my passed April 2018 with cancer I had here in home hospice ,I am praying for you . KJ4BD Edward Carr

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  17. Thinking of you both. And don't feel bad for thinking about yourself from time to time. Having to carry on with life after your partner has passed really *is* about you. That emptiness will be hard to deal with, so it's natural and OK to worry about that.

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  18. Oh Susan - I've been thinking of you recently ... gosh - what a blessing Kathy is being to you both ... she sounds amazing and I'm sure she completely relates to you - hence her 'want' to be with you as much as possible. I'll carry on thinking of you through the next few days ... it's been a pleasure hearing your stories with Smarticus - and now I feel for you with his upcoming blessed release.

    Thank you for letting us know how things are going ... just take care of you too ... with lots of thoughts - Hilary xoxo

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  19. My prayers with you all. Take care.

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  20. Thank you, dear friend! What a blessing you are to all of us, but especially for Mike. Putting his desires first is true love at its most honest.
    For us you've shown strength and compassion, but more than that it's your positive attitude of hope and love that inspires all of us during this horrible time of Covid. When it's so easy to fall into the 'whoas me' attitude you show us the way to move forward, to fight. Thank you so much for 'you'!!!

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  21. There are no words to truly Express my thoughts. I can only say you are an amazing person with a wonderful loving heart and soul. Sending you hugs prayers and healing thoughts. Take care of yourself and may the time you have with Mike be spectacular.

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  22. Terribly, terribly sad for and with you and your husband, friend Sue. Thinking about you and him many times a day. Much love, cat.

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  23. Much love to you, Susan. Of course you need some time for yourself - can't pour from an empty cup xx and thank you Kathy for looking after our lovely blogging friend :-) xx

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  24. Great you have someone like her to help and talk to. Awful all around though. Crummy cancer.

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  25. I think there's a special place in Heaven for you and Smarticus. So glad you had someone like Kathy to help you through this.

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  26. Very sorry to hear about this. Having recently been in a similar position, I understand how hard it is. Later on, do remember that you did everything you could for him. It will help. But no one should have to go through this.

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  27. Blessing are going on all over the place over there. You to him. Him to you. Hospice to him. Hospice to you. And God Bless Kathy too. Sending over hellos and virtual hugs.

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  28. Susan, I am late coming here. Possibly too late. But please know I am with you, REALLY with you, having lived your experience three months ago. Please know this. The love you and your husband had will carry you. It doesn’t leave. The joy you had together for so many years will lift you during the hardest times. Believe me. I am the walking proof. Sending you love and support. Wishing you strength and a heart full of peace. Feel free to reach out to me if you wish, or need.

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