Takes One to Know One!

Thought for the day:  Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. 

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Remember when kids used to yell that old sticks and stones chestnut at each other on the playground? Oh, and how about this one:  I'm rubber, you're glue; what you say bounces off me, and sticks on you. And let's not forget: I know you are, but what am I? (Nanny, nanny, boo boo!)

Yeah, as kids, some of us got our kicks by hurling silly insults at other kids, some of which made absolutely no sense, but we all had an arsenal of snappy, equally silly things to say in response, too. Part of being a kid, I guess. And nowadays, it seems to be part of being a politician, too. I mean, really. Think about it. A lot of today's politicians seem to get an awful lot of childish pleasure out of talking trash and calling each other names, and with about as much maturity as we used to show on the playground. It's either a case of arrested development, or an attempt to distract us from the fact they aren't actually doing anything or communicating like actual grown-ups. Some of our politicos may, indeed, be poopy-heads, but it would be nice if they all put their smelly heads together every once in a while so they could attack some of today's pressing issues instead of attacking each other.

But ya know, if they must insist on flinging mud and insults at each other, the least they could do is be more creative about it. Why should they limit themselves to calling each other stupid or liar, when insults can be... entertaining. Amusing. Classy, even.

Winston Churchhill  {wikipedia]

Now, Winston Churchill had a real knack for issuing classy insults. Like these gems:

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.

He had an inordinate talent for comebacks, too, like when equally witty George Bernard Shaw wrote these words to him: I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one. 

Churchill responded: Cannot possibly attend the first night; will attend second ... if there is one.

Oscar Wilde  [wikipedia]

People like Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain are fairly well-known for their deliciously clever insults, but you might be surprised by the sources of some of these witticisms:

• I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.  Clarence Darrow
• He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.  William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
• Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?  Ernest Hemingway
• Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.  Moses Hadas
• He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. Abraham Lincoln
• I've had a perfectly lovely evening. But this wasn't it.  Groucho Marx
• I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.  Mark Twain
• He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.  Oscar Wilde
• I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.  Stephen Bishop
• He is a self-made man, and worships the creator.  John Bright
• I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.  Irvin S. Cobb
• He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.  Samuel Johnson
• He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.  Paul Keating
• He had delusions of adequacy.  Walter Kerr
• There's nothing wrong with you reincarnation won't cure.  Jack E. Leonard
• He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.  Robert Redford
• They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.  Thomas Brackett Reed
• He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent work, he overcame them.  James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
• In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.  Count Charles Talleyrand
• He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.  Forrest Tucker
• Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?  Mark Twain
• His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.  Mae West
• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.  Oscar Wilde
• He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination.  Andrew Lang
• He has Van Gogh's ear for music.  Billy Wilder
• Don't think I don't know who's been spreading gossip about me. After all the nice things I've said about that hag. When I get hold of her, I'll tear out every hair of her mustache. Tallulah Bankhead, referring to Bette Davis

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Movies can be a source of wildly creative insults, too. Here's one of my favorites:

I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!

Okay, so that one wasn't exactly classy, but it is funny. [For those of you who don't already know, that line came from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.] 

What's your favorite insult line from a movie?

People like Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain are well-known for their witty insults, but you may find the sources of some of these insults to be somewhat surprising:

William Shakespeare [wikipedia]

If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off.  [Kurt Vonnegut, Time Quake]

In my mind, Martha, you are buried in cement right up to your neck. No... right up to your nose... that's much quieter.  [Edward Albee, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf]

I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.  [Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest]

He would make a lovely corpse.  [Charles Dickens, Martin Chuzzlewit]

The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.  [George R.R. Martin, A Feast for Crows]

And a couple from Shakespeare, the ultimate master of slings and arrows:

Thou art a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred pound, filthy worsted-stocking knave; a lily-liver'd, action-taking, whoreson, glass-gazing, superserviceable, finical rogue, one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mungril bitch. [from King Lear]

I desire that we be better strangers.  [from As You Like It]

I could go on with lots more Shakespearean insults, but instead, how about a giveaway? Yeah, how about your very own box of classy Shakespearean barbs? And not only that, this box of insults actually helps heal some wounds...

Yep. Adhesive bandages that both deliver a classy insult, and soothe your boo-boos. Is that cool, or what?

I simply couldn't resist buying them when I saw them at the Fernbank Museum gift shop. Bought two boxes, so now I'd like to give one of them to one of you. If you're interested, just hit me with your best shot. Um, not literally. Not interested in being whacked with sticks and stones here... just sock it to me with an insult, and include it in your comment. I'll pick out my favorite barb next Thursday, and will let y'all know on Friday. And I'll include a little something else in that giveaway package, too. Not sure what just yet, but I'll come up with something. And if none of you has any interest in possessing such a (ahem) valuable item, sobeit. (I mean, there are eighteen whole bandages in that box!) At least you can't say I never tried to give something away. Can't call me cheap. (I'm frugal, people. Frugal!)

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Oh, and lest you think I take the power of hurtful words lightly, I don't. I come from a generation of kids who collected cards containing funny insults. I repeat... funny. Our insults were funny, sometimes clever, and rarely mean in tone. Not as clever as Churchill or Shakespeare, but pretty darned good for a bunch of kids. And a lot better than what a bunch of grown politicians use these days. I DO believe words can hurt... even more than sticks and stones.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But words have also hurt me;
Though sticks and stones can make me bleed,
Some words, like ghosts, still haunt me.
Cutting words can leave deep scars
On minds and hearts so tender;
Cuts and bruises are quick to heal,
But words we'll long remember. 

                                               Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

    Be careful with your words. Once they are said, they can only be forgiven, not forgotten.