A Good Pun is its Own Reword

Thought for the day:  Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called. [Jarrod Kintz]

We all flounder for the right word at times— especially as we get older— but I have a confession to make: I am so helplessly hooked on words, I'm not even trying to wriggle off the hook. Yep, I must confess, for it's true. I have a deep-seated and incurable case of logophilia, which is further complicated by my inexplicable love of puns.

A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself. [Gary Larson]

So just for the halibut, let's do a little fishing together, shall we? Let's talk about lost and found words— words and phrases of the past, and brand spanking new ones that have recently finagled their way into the dictionary.

Some really cool words and phrases have gone the way of milkmen. Just as young people of today missed out on the rather dubious experience of picking up bottles of milk from their front porches early in the morning, (A memorable experience in the wintertime, when the milk is partially frozen, and the cap is popped off, and sitting atop a big bulge of icky -thick cream...) they've also missed out on a bunch of colorful expressions and phrases. Do kids today know what a carbon copy is? Does anybody even make carbon paper any more? (Believe it or not, I still have a partial box of it.) With the advent of remote controls, kids today have no concept of jumping up to change the channel, and have never heard a TV announcer say, Don't touch that dial! Would your kids have any idea what you were talking about if you told them they sounded like a broken record? Or if you complained that someone had hung you out to dry? Nope, the kids of today may be living the life of Riley, but it's unlikely that they've ever heard that expression. That's okay. We may never again be the bee's knees, or the cat's pajamas, and nothing may ever again be dubbed gross enough to gag a maggot, but with all of the new words that are added to the dictionary every year, I guess something's gotta give. Out with the old and in with the new. And now for a glimpse of some of the lost ones we've shoved off a cliff, and some of the new ones that have taken their place. And a-waaaaay we go. (How sweet it is!)

Okay, here's a handful of long-lost words most of us never heard of before, and more's the pity, because some of them are pretty darned spiffy:

Wonder-wench: A sweetheart [Wouldn't you gals love it if your fella hung that moniker on you?]
Groak: To silently watch someone while they are eating, hoping to be invited to join them [Dogs are the undisputed masters of this art]
Beef-witted: Having an inactive brain, thought to be from eating too much beef. [Makes sense.. I guess doughnut dumb will be next.]
Queerplungers: Cheats who throw themselves into the water in order that they may be taken up by their accomplices, who carry them to one of the houses appointed by the Humane Society for the recovery of drowned persons, where they are rewarded by the society with a guinea each, and the supposed drowned person, pretending he was driven to that extremity by great necessity, is also frequently sent away with a contribution in his pocket. [Talk about a specific definition...]
Resistentialism: The seemingly spiteful behavior shown by inanimate objects [There is definitely still a need for this word.]

Because I like to cling to old words, in spite of my age, I still say words like cool and neat, I must confess, some of the new words just added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary are pretty darned cool, too. (Told ya!)

belignorant- both belligerent and ignorant [a word necessitated by the state of politics in today's world?]
mantrum- a tantrum thrown by a man [hmmm, also politically based?]
breakfunch- a small meal between breakfast and lunch [Um, I thought that was called brunch]
confungry- both confused and angry [back to politics...]
definotly- definitely not [HA! I like that one]
jokative- causing laughter [sounds like a made-up word, doesn't it?]
niblings- a person's nieces and nephews [kinda cool]
smellucination- an olfactory hallucination; the perception of a smell when there is no source for that smell. [another cool one]
gayborhood- neighborhood where gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people live and/or work

Like gayborhood, a number of new words are based on society's changing perception about sexuality.

Like cisgender. I guess you could say this word is the opposite of transgender. It describes someone who does still identify with his/her birth gender. [I never heard of this word, and wouldn't have thought it a necessary word, but it has been in use within the LGBT community since the late '90s]
And genderqueer, meaning someone who doesn't clearly qualify(?) or identify as either male or female.
How about Mx? That's now an accepted gender-neutral title of address.

And just a few more new words, non-sexuality based:

nomophobia- the fear of being without a working cellphone [Now you know what to call it!]
FOMO- fear of missing out
hella- a lot of

Let's end this post with something rock solid... you know, something you can hang your hat (or quoit) on. Although there was some stiff competition as to what that should be, I made the hard decision to consider the potentially punny and funny side of naming drugs. In particular... Viagra... you know, that wonder drug that brings good things to life, and provides a lift to dudes who have fallen and can't get up. For sure, it's a swell medication, to which many would offer a standing ovation, but for all that, its name is rather... limp.

As you all know, drugs have two names... a trade name and a generic name. So what about Viagra? Its generic name is currently sildenafil, but surely this most uplifting drug of them all should have a more edifying  generic name to reflect its rise in popularity, don't you think? Indeed, the generic form of Viagra offers more bang for the buck, but why can't its name be more... fun?

So here we go: I humbly suggest some possible nominees for an appropriate name (or inappropriate, depending on your point of view...)  for the FDA to consider as Viagra's new generic name:

• Fixaflatun
• Peckerupp
• Nomorefloppin
• Nulazarus
• Nolimpics (for marketing to athletes)
• Hardwood
• Lovinlarge 
• Poleraisin
• Wheewillie
• Popnrock

Hmm, I dunno. I think it'd be a really hard choice...

Oh, and guess what? Word has it that Pfizer may soon be offering Viagra as a liquid, and in a beverage suitable for mixing with liquor. Cool, huh? Just think. If he wanted to, a man could literally pour himself a stiff one. I guess it wouldn't sound quite right to call the beverage a soft drink, but I dunno, if Pepsi agreed to bottle it, they could always call it Mount & Do. Or maybe it could be offered as a hot beverage. Something like Viagracinno... guaranteed to keep you up all night. Or as a lip balm... to help one keep a stiff upper lip. Shoot, maybe even as a nasal spray. They could call it Kama Snootra. And I think the product should have a spokesperson, too. Maybe Poppin Fresh would like to earn a little money on the side? Oh, and a theme song, too. I think either Paul Simon's I Am a Rock or the Beatles' A Hard Day's Night would fit the bill quite nicely. And wasn't there once a song about The Hardest Part of Loving You? (If not, there should be.)

Okay, I'll stop now.

On that note, I'll bid y'all adieu. Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

It's very difficult to explain puns to a kleptomaniac, They always take things literally.