Friday, July 22, 2016

How to Push a Pill

Thought for the day:  In ancient times, cats were worshiped as gods; they have not forgotten this. [Terry Pratchett]

Okay, so it's true. Cats may possibly have a certain attitude, a superiority complex, some might even say. Then again, maybe they have cause to feel superior. After all, they're sheer geniuses when it comes to training their owners staff. It sure didn't take our cats long to train us. Plus, cats tend to be so doggone cute, they can get away with just about anything. And they know it.

People who like cats reeeeeally like cats. We love 'em, pure and simple. But they certainly aren't simple; those sometimes-cuddly, sometimes-aloof critters can be downright complicated. Their favorite food on the planet can suddenly become disdained for no good reason, especially if you're foolish enough to buy an entire case of it from the wholesale store. Yet, their nose-in-the-air pickiness over what we put into their bowls is evidently no longer in play when they're in hunt mode and looking to supplement their diets. Then, they'll eat... or try to eat... damned near anything. Bugs, plants... even the plastic and silk ones... paper, plastic, unidentified blobs they find stuck to the kitchen floor, whatever... and let us not forget how terribly much they enjoy licking each other's bottoms. Not just sniffing, like dogs do, but eyes-closed, blissful, all-out licking. Go figure. Or not. Maybe we shouldn't even try to figure out their quirks and over-the-top personalities at all; maybe all we have to do is love and enjoy them.

Last month, I shared some oh-so-helpful tips with you about how to bathe a cat. (Final decision there: best to take them to the groomer, and fork over hazard pay.) Now we're gonna consider how to give a cat a pill, which is something I hope to never have to do. With a dog, it's easy. They'll scarf up anything if you stuff it into a wad of liverwurst, cheese, bacon, or about a million other possibilities. Cats are a whole other story. They require much more finesse, along with some handy dandy directions from me, courtesy of some more Internet searching. Ready?

Okay, first you're gonna have to get into position. Cradle that sweet little kitty in your arms, as though you were about to feed him a baby bottle. Our cat Dash puts herself into my arms like this quite frequently; Dot, not so much. Let's hope your cat likes to be held in this position. Otherwise, all bets are off.

Now, position your forefinger and thumb on either side of your cat's mouth, while holding the pill in your hand. Apply gentle pressure to your cat's cheeks, forcing his mouth open like a delicate little snapdragon. Then. (ta-DA!) pop the pill into his poor unsuspecting mouth, and allow your precious to close his mouth and swallow.

You may encounter a slight set-back at this point. Don't worry about it. It's perfectly normal. Simply retrieve the pill from the floor and drag the cat out from under the sofa, and try again. You might want to use the other arm to cradle the cat this time, especially if your first arm is bleeding too profusely.

Retrieve cat from the bedroom, and throw the soggy pill away.

Get a new pill, while resisting the urge to get a new cat. This time, cradle the now-agitated cat in your left arm, while holding his rear paws tightly with your left hand. Force his jaws open, and (ta-DA!) quickly push the pill to the back of his mouth with your right forefinger. Now, hold his mouth shut for a count of ten.

Relax. Failures are common. Take a deep breath, retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl, and get the cat from his hiding-in-plain-view spot on the counter. Time to draft an assistant.

Kneel on the floor, and hold the cat in a vise grip with your knees. Grab and hold his paws. (Yes, all four of them... of COURSE you can!) Just ignore the cat's growls, you big sissy. Okay, have your helper hold the cat's head still while forcing a wooden ruler into his mouth, and then easy-does-it drop the pill down the ruler and into the cat's mouth. One of you may need to rub the cat's throat to encourage him to swallow. And then... ta-DA!

What? Still no ta-DA? (sigh) Okay, retrieve the cat from the curtains, and get another pill. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtains. Carefully sweep the shattered figurines and vases from the hearth, and set to one side for gluing later. (Assuming you're better at gluing than you are at giving a cat a pill.)

Okay, time to get serious. Tightly swaddle your cat in a large towel, leaving only his head exposed. Now have your less-than-enthusiastic helper pin the cat burrito to the floor with his body, with the yowling cat's head held in place, and just visible, below your helper's armpit. Put a pill in the end of a drinking straw, force the cat's mouth open with a pencil, and (ta-DA!) blow the pill into the cat's mouth.

Again no ta-DA?

Okay, calm down. Check the label to make sure the pill isn't harmful to humans, and then drink a beer to take the taste out of your mouth. Better? Now disinfect and bandage your helper's arm, and clean the blood from the carpet with cold water and soap.

Find and retrieve the cat. Get another pill, and open another beer. Put the cat into a cupboard, and close the door on his neck, with his head showing. Force his mouth open with a  spoon, and (ta-DA!) shoot the pill down that sucker's throat with a rubber band.

Go get a screwdriver, and fix the cupboard door. Drink the beer. Get a bottle of the hard stuff, and pour a shot of that, too, Drink it. Apply a cold compress to your cheek, and check your medical records to see when you last had a tetanus shot. Apply a whiskey compress to your cheek. Might as well have another shot while you're at it. Throw your bloody tee shirt away, and get a fresh one from the bedroom.

Grab the cat while you're in there, and take out the last pill. This is your last chance, so you'd better get it right this time. Tie your cat's paws together like a roped calf, and secure your helpless little feline heifer to the dining room table leg. Push that pill into his mouth, followed by a large piece of steak. (which you just happened to have handy...) Now pour a couple pints of water down his throat to wash it down.

Have another drink of booze for medicinal purposes, before having your helper drive you to the emergency room. This allows you to sit quietly while the doctor stitches your fingers and arm, and removes the pill remnants from your eye. Call the furniture store on the way home to order a new table.

Arrange for SPCA to collect that mutant cat from hell and call the local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Natch, this whole post is in jest. No way I'd ever attempt to give my little angels a pill. If they need a pill, their vet can jolly well administer it. That's why he gets paid the big bucks...

                             Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other. 

P.S. For those of you who are too cheap to pay full price too busy interested, Amazon will be selling the e-version of Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade for the paltry sum of ninety-nine cents next week. 

Friday, July 15, 2016

Warning: May Contain Political Poo

Thought for the day:  Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind. [George Orwell]

[photo courtesy of Pixel Peeper]
With both major parties holding conventions this month, we can expect even more political wind blowing than usual between now and election day, which most of us welcome about as much as a lingering fart in a crowded elevator. But even worse than all that noxious wind is the stuff of more substance. You know... the political caca.

Yep, there's gonna be an ever-increasing number of outrageous ads filled with half-truths and outright lies dumped on us, more recorded telephone messages from every political (and celebrity) Tom, Dick, and Mary, and an even higher-intensity rhetorical BS than we've had to endure so far. (oh, goody!)

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end, and no sense of responsibility at the other. [Ronald Reagan]

So am I gonna go all blah-blah-blah political on you? No, of course not! Helpful gal that I am, I'm merely gonna show you what I consider to be an appropriate fleet of patriotic vehicles that is ready, willing, and able to serve our country throughout this highly excremental political season. Yep, I'd say these fine trucks are definitely up to handling the inauspicious dooty...

                 (Hey! When you have a crappy job, you've gotta keep your sense of humor.)                            
                                 Laughter is the shortest distance between friends. 

                                Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Pairs Nicely With Possum

Thought for the day:  Wine is sunlight, held together by water.  [Galileo]

No doubt about it, Galileo was a smart dude, and his comment about wine explains a lot. Like why people who drink too much of it later complain about a burning sensation in their gut. Makes sense, right? I mean, it's obviously due to an overexposure to all that sunlight. (They should maybe swig a bottle of sunblock first.)

Talking about wine, there was an article about an award-winning wine in the newspaper last week ... an award-winning wine from (ta-DA!) Wal-Mart. (!) Would you believe a cheap ass inexpensive wine sold exclusively through good ol' down-market Wal-Mart won Platinum Best in Show at the Decanter World Wide Awards? Called La Moneda Reserva Malbec, a Merlot made in Chile, this cheap ass inexpensive wine beat out 16,000 high-dollar wines in a blind taste test conducted by 240 international wine experts, so it wasn't just some poor cheap ass sot sitting on a park bench sipping it from a paper bag who said it's good... the experts said it. Costs about six bucks a bottle. Amazing, huh?

Alas, it's only sold in Asda, Wal-Mart's grocery chain in the UK. Think it'll ever make it onto Wal-Mart's shelves here in the US? Probably not. That classy name and its spiffy-looking label don't quite live down up to Wal-Mart's reputation in our country. Here, labels should probably be written in permanent marker on a strip of duct tape.

Several years ago, I received an email about Wal-Mart possibly bottling and selling its own wines in the near future, and selling them for cheap ass reasonable prices, like two to six bucks a bottle. Still hasn't happened, but if they ever do decide to bottle and sell their own brands, here are some smart ass helpful suggestions for names they can use:

  • White Trashfindel
  • Kendall Jacksoff
  • Walton's Pondscum
  • World Championship Wriesling
  • Headache in a Bottle
  • Sadder Home
  • Wrath of Grapes
  • NASCARbernet
  • Chef Boyardeaux
  • X-Lax Collection
  • Peanut Noir
  • I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar
  • Fifty Grades of Gag
  • Grape Expectations
  • Nasti Spumante

Okay, okay, I'll stop picking on Wal-Mart. But I'm not done poking fun at booze. Not just wine... but booze, in general.

Whiskey is, by far, the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold. [Jerry Vale]

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked for his opinion of whiskey. Being the true politician that he was, this was his response, as recorded in the Political Archives of Texas:

"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

"However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

"This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."

You've gotta love a politician who can speak so articulately out of both sides of his mouth, but he's right, ya know. The abuse of alcohol can lead to all kinds of horrors, but as a social lubricant, it can also be quite... delightful.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. [Ben Franklin]

Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep;
Whoever sleeps long, does not sin;
Whoever does not sin, enters Heaven!
Thus, let us drink beer!   [Martin Luther]

Here's to alcohol, the rose-colored glasses of life. [F.Scott Fitzgerald]

A cute bar towel, huh? Not that it's at all applicable to any women I know.

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food.  [W.C. Fields]

Are these the coolest napkins, or what?

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three, I'm under the table,
After four, I'm under the host.
[Dorothy Parker]

Another bar towel.

I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it. [anonymous]

Yet another towel.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.  [Ben Franklin]

My personal favorite. This sign was next to the cash register in a wine-tasting shop.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. [Ernest Hemingway]

This sign was at an antique shop we visited after the wine tasting. It cracked me up. Of course, after three teensy weensy glasses of wine, everything cracked me up.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.  [Dave Barry]

Here's one of those fun make-believe billboards from the fine folks at dribbleglass

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.  [George Burns]

One must always respect one's beverage.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.  [Henny Youngman]

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it.  [Rodney Dangerfield]

Don't try to join the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. It turns out they're apparently against all three.  [Wiley Post]

The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer. [Ancient Egyptian proverb, circa 2200 B.C.!!!]

Okay, cheers! That's it for now. Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

P.S. Just a quick update. In last week's post, I said Nathan's traditional 4th of July hot dog-eating contest got its start in 1916, when four immigrants competed to decide which of them was the most patriotic. Sounds good, huh? Turns out, the hot dog company has been trying to feed us more than hot dogs, because that's a big fat Whopper they've been telling since their PR folks came up with the story in the '70s. In their defense, their creative story isn't entirely made of baloney. After all, they've always prefaced their made-to-order story by saying Legend has it...