Friday, August 23, 2019

On Being Alone

Thought for the day:  Language has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone. [Paul Tillich]

[image courtesy of unsplash]

There's a huge difference between reveling in the glorious solitude of an early morning walk on the beach, where we thoroughly enjoy our own company and feel at one with the universe...



[image courtesy of unsplash]

and the devastating soul-sucking feeling of loneliness. The sense that one has been deserted. Has no one. Is totally alone and unwanted in this world.

Solitude is not the same as loneliness. Solitude is a solitary boat floating in a sea of possible companions. [Robert Fulghum]

By contrast, I suppose the lonely don't believe there are any possible companions for them. Nothing but a sea of emptiness as far as they can see.


[courtesy of unsplash]
My guess is you've all seen it: crowds of people with downcast eyes, fiddling with their cellphones while ignoring the flesh-and-blood people who are surrounding them. This isn't just a phenomenon that occurs among strangers, either. It happens within families.

From the boardroom to the bedroom, we're connected 24/7, yet loneliness is at an all-time high. More people are reaching for mobile devices than for the hand of someone in need. Where did our humanity go? [Elizabeth Kapu'uwailani Lindsey]

But we can't blame this disconnect on modern technology. Sure, the proliferation of cellphones has made the situation more blatantly noticeable, but the truth is, the disconnect pre-dates the advent of the cellphone.

[image courtesy of unsplash]
Why is it that people are more likely to react to a lonely dog with empathy than they are to a person?


[image courtesy of unsplash]

Why does a pitiful-looking kitten pluck on our heartstrings, while the sight of a saddened human being is more likely to make us look the other way? (If we even notice that person in the first place.)

It's as though we're all insulated in our own little worlds (i.e. our vehicles) passing thousands of other people, who are also insulated in their own little worlds. Separated. Disconnected.

[image courtesy of unsplash]
 How many of you would feel compelled to speak to a lonely old woman sitting by herself? To a laughing child? To a person of a different race, sex, or generation than you?

I confess. To me, strangers are just friends I haven't made yet. You could say I'm an equal-opportunity annoyer. That's how I acted as a kid, and I still haven't outgrown it. (Just between you and me, I hope I never do.) Smarticus is the same way. Some would call us extroverts, I suppose. Personally, I think we just have big yaps. No one is safe from our friendly yammering, and no matter how standoffish or surprised people may be initially, they've always come around and engaged in conversations with us in the end.

Know why? Because I think people are lonely. We NEED to feel connected to other people, and that sense of belonging is achingly absent in the lives of far too many people.

Loneliness can be a serious health condition, too, especially for the elderly. According to an AARP study, prolonged social isolation is as risky to a person's well-being as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. [Mother Teresa]

                                   And loneliness all too often leads to depression.

So why don't we reach out to each other more?  Are we introverts, or are we simply afraid of being rejected? Afraid of what that other person might think or how he might react? What if there were a safe place to interact with strangers, a place where you'd know ahead of time that the other person does, indeed, want to talk to somebody, and would welcome the opportunity to meet you?

Thanks to English policeman Detective Sargent Ashley Jones, these places do exist. He became aware of how devastating loneliness can be for seniors when an elderly widow who'd been bilked of more than thirty thousand dollars by a con man told him she didn't mind, because without the con man's daily phone calls, in which he pretended to be her friend, she wouldn't have spoken to another human being for weeks on end. She was lonely and that con man temporarily eased her profound sense of loneliness.

So the good officer did something about it. In June, he got permission to give special status to a couple benches in two local parks.


How are they special? They're called chat benches... and they have made a difference. So much so, ten more benches were added shortly after the first two, often in places where the elderly tend to congregate. Now, there are forty of these benches spread throughout the UK, and other countries are starting to  notice, like Australia and the U.S.

Isn't that fantastic???


                             Here's a short video to tell you a bit more about the benches:



So what do you think? Think this is going to be an idea that'll sweep the world and make a real difference in lives far and wide? I sure hope so. In a world of manufactured problems based on our perceived differences, how wonderful it would be if we all could learn to sit down and chat a spell with a stranger. Remember, (s)he's just a friend you haven't met yet... and even without a bench, each of us has the power to change that.

We can all fight against loneliness by engaging in random acts of kindness. [Gail Honeyman]

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. [Albert Schweitzer]

Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. [Maya Angelou]

If you light a lamp for someone, it will also brighten your path. [Buddhist saying]

If you meet someone without a smile, give him one of yours.

Give a stranger a smile. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.

Making a person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world.

                                         Be the reason someone smiles today.

                               Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.


60 comments:

  1. I have often been lonelier in a crowd than I ever am on my own. That loneliness comes both from feelings of inferiority and the disconnect which you alluded to.
    I LOVE the idea of Chat Benches. And am happy to talk to strangers. And do. Often.

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    1. I think feeling alone in a crowd is a common phenomenon. Especially in situations where everyone else seems to be acquainted and oblivious to your presence, and you feel like the proverbial odd man out.

      I had a feeling you'd be in favor of those chat benches... AND that you talk to strangers. :)

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  2. I love my solitude and don't feel lonely, I've always been a loner, but I will talk to others, for instance there are neighbours here I talk to and help out with cleaning too, but out in the city streets I'm wary of talking to just anybody, because there are so very many now with mental health issues and I never know how they might react. I remember trying to help a young woman once and she just about bit my head off for it.

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    1. You've frequently described yourself as a loner, but that's different from being alone, isn't it? I have a feeling you enjoy your own company, which is a good way to be. (Especially seeing's as how we can never get away from ourselves!)

      Your wariness about approaching some people is understandable. Ya never know. In some cases, it's better safe than sorry.

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  3. Too true! I love walking alone, and always say hello or good morning or whatever to people I meet. Some react in a friendly way, others just look irritated and some ask 'Do we know each other?' Sad. And so many people are just cell-phone-zombies. Time to start looking at others and talking to them! Hugs, Valerie

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    1. I can picture you walking alone at a jaunty pace, camera in hand, and wearing a big smile on your face, ready to interact with anyone who's open to it. :)

      Hugs back atcha.

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  4. I enjoy some peace and quiet, but that's because the peace and quiet is a novelty in my life. You'll be shocked by this, but I too talk to strangers. For people who are lonely, I suggest volunteering. Once people realize you will work for free, you will have so many things to do and people to meet.

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    1. No, I'm not shocked... just a teensy bit surprised. Then again, I don't know why I should be. You're such a sweetie, you probably can't help yourself... :)

      You're right about volunteering. The problem is, a lot of people who are truly lonely don't think they have anything to offer. (But they're wrong.)

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    2. I tried volunteering once, when I was out of work for a while, oddly enough, nobody wanted me. Not even Meals on Wheels. Their loss, I'm a great worker. Well, I used to be. Now I'm enjoying retirement and sleeping late.

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    3. Oh, wow. That's just awful! Yes, it WAS their loss.

      I'm a whiz kid at enjoying retirement, but I still haven't gotten the knack of sleeping late. My body's programmed to wake up way before the butt crack of dawn every day. Naps elude me, too, but my hubby's a real champ.

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  5. The world has changed drastically from when I was young. It seems to be colder, indifferent, more selfish, more hostile. The advent of mobile devices and the "social" media has greatly contributed to isolation. The mask of Internet anonymity has encouraged hate and perpetuates a form of loneliness.

    My pessimism is showing, but there's truth in what I'm saying.
    The art of conversation is nearly dead - - people often don't even know who their neighbors are.
    The only remedy to this modern-day affliction is to keep your heart and mind open, and to reach out to others as much as possible. Loneliness and isolation are often (but not always) self-inflicted.

    I wholeheartedly agree that loneliness and solitude are two different things. I have always craved and savored solitude - which is needed for peace of mind and regeneration of the soul.

    Perpetual loneliness destroys the soul.

    I'm starting to ramble and, perhaps, outstay my welcome.
    Thanks for a very thought-provoking post, Susan!

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    1. Nope, not gonna happen, cowboy. You never outstay your welcome. No such thing. I always enjoy your comments.

      You're right about the world changing. It's true that people are more disconnected nowadays, but the optimist in me says I may not be able to change the world, but maybe I can be a bright spot for someone in my little corner of it.

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  6. So very true. We're so absorbed in our own worlds that we don't notice others. Cell phones have made it even more apparent. People don't reach out as much - maybe they don't know how or are scared. Those benches won't change the world, but they do give people permission to engage others, and that's a start.

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    1. It's a little scary to think that people don't know how to reach out to others these days, because we'll never bridge the differences between us if we don't try. I hate to think that making connections is becoming a lost art... or even worse, an unnecessary one.

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  7. I can remember talking to friends and family on the phone for an hour or so. Now I get texts of ten or less words. I know this is more convenient and I also do it. However, being a woman, I have so many more words to say, but people don’t have the time to listen. As we age, our world becomes smaller and less interesting to others. It is up to us to find outlets, join groups, make new friends, and volunteer. It is not easy for many people but that first step can lead to many smiles.

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    1. Since I don't have a cellphone, I never text, so I STILL talk via landline to some of my gal pals for an hour or more. It isn't as satisfying as chatting over a cuppa tea or glass of wine, but it beats the heck out of not talking at all. I kinda get the appeal of texting, but I'm perfectly happy as a dinosaur. :)

      You're right. Taking that first step can be very hard for some people, but it's always worth the effort.

      By the way, I LOVE your new profile picture! Looking goooooood!

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    2. Like my license picture, I update it every four years. For some reason the other one was fading away - like so many other things.

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    3. Ah, but NEVER let your smile fade away.

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  8. I do find that strangers talk to me. I think it's because I'm not looking at a phone, etc. I actually do look at people and the world, busy gathering stuff for the book I might write someday. I'm a yapper/annoyer too....that's why we're sitting on a bench in the wind, Susan. But we'll scoot over and let anyone join us.

    Stay cool and keep smiling.

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    1. I love that you're a fellow yapper/annoyer. :)

      Cool. So scoot over. I'll even share my snack with you.

      Have a super weekend!

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  9. I think there's a difference between chatting with someone and feeling connected. Even I - introvert that I am! - can and do occasionally chat with a stranger, make small talk etc, but truly connecting is hard for me for a number of reasons. I try, though. Once in awhile. :)

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    1. You're absolutely right. There is a big difference, but it's hard to make a connection without some kind of chatter to test the waters.

      Because you find it difficult to make connections, my guess is the ones you do make are really strong, and I bet you're an extremely loyal friend.

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  10. Very thoughtful post. The story about the elderly widow who basically paid $30K for a "friend" is so sad.

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    1. It is sad, and I'll bet her story is just the proverbial tip of the iceberg. Seniors are easy prey for scammers, unfortunately.

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  11. Great text!!! I really love it, Susan.
    I think that this is happening because the internet is a somewhat new phenomenon. One day we'll become sick and tired of it because it's not going to be a novelty anymore.

    So it will become like the television, which we watch only when we have some free time and nothing better to do.

    I have to confess that I sometimes don't want to talk to strangers - they usually start talking about inflation, the government, deseases... and I simply don't want to be showered with such negativity. Once a lady started talking to me at the bus stop and suddenly she was telling me things I didn't want to know about her marriage. At least in Brazil, people open up too easily (look at me here!)

    Have a wonderful day!

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad you liked it, Ana.

      I hope you're right about the novelty of the Internet wearing off, but I dunno. The way people are with their computers, I-phones, whatever, feels a whole lot different to me than what it was like it the earlier days of TV. People used to enjoy their favorite television programs, but it never felt like an addiction. The Internet does.

      People open up to me, too, and for some reason, they seem to think I'm an advise columnist, or something. But I rather like it. :)

      You have a wonderful day, too!

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  12. Great post! As an introvert, I can happily spend most of the day alone. But there's a tipping point when welcome solitude becomes loneliness and I simply must leave my writing cave and talk to some actual humans.

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    1. Lots of people are introverts, but it's good that you know when it's time for you to interact with others. I'm kinda the opposite. I can interact, interact, interact... until my soul's in need of a bit of solitude.

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  13. Excellent post, friend Sue. In the past people/ families lived together from birth to death … then the need for individuality came along, and now many of us are reaping what we sowed. Much love, cat.

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    1. Thanks, cat.There's a lot of truth in that.

      Have a super weekend, sweet lady.

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  14. Hey, it's a start. Way too many are obsessed with their phones, it just makes it way easier to tell nowadays. Bet some would still sit on the bench and ignore everything. Maybe people go for the cat or dog because there is little complication, aside from getting bit. A lot of the mentality of everyone is out to get you factors in, as many are only out for themselves and ruin it for other people.

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    1. Your comment reminds me of a conversation I had with my younger son when he was a teenager. I told him he was way too young to be so cynical, to which he replied," You're much too old to be so naive."

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    2. lmao I've retorted with something along those lines a time or two as well. Or the whole "you're so negative." "Nope. Just realistic because I'm positive it is negative."

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    3. I have a feeling you and my son would get along just dandy. :)

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  15. Sometimes I get calls at work quite late at night from people who have waited until I'm not busy. They are so lonely that they will call just to hear my voice. If I could talk to them for hours, I would.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Bless you. You've got a kind heart. (And those late-night callers know it.)

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  16. The notion that people who need people are the luckiest... nah. The most fortunate enjoy their own company but can share this pleasure with others from time to time.

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    1. I'm not quite sure how to respond to your comment, because I don't know if I agree with it or not. If anything, it's thought-provoking. I do enjoy my own company, but being with other people energizes me... like recharging a battery. And my battery's getting so darned old, maybe it just requires recharging more often than yours. :)

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  17. I also think people have their guard up now to being scammed or worrying if the other person has an ulterior motive. My first thought is 'what does this person want' which is a terrible way to think.

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    1. I don't know if it's a terrible way to think or not, but it's a common one. I prefer to expect the best of other people. Sure, I'm disappointed sometimes, but hope springs eternal.

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  18. Wonderfully thought-provoking! As a girl I was painfully shy. So much so, were smart phones available, I'd hide my insecurities behind the screen. LOVE the idea of the 'chat' benches, particularly in large metropolitan areas. (Smiling, on account everyone in our little town is already friendly.)

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    1. Being shy and a little bit wary of strangers is probably a wise way to be in today's world, but I've never mastered the skill.

      I'm reeeeally glad the people in your community are so friendly. It's easier to make connections when the people around you are willing to meet you more than halfway.

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  19. I live alone, but I'm not lonely. I have friends and I can entertain myself. Well, not by doing THAT. All the time, anyway.

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    1. There's a big difference between being alone and being lonely. What can I say? Sometimes, a fella's just gotta take a hands-on approach to his entertainment...

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  20. This was really a thought-provoking post. Now you've got me thinking...

    I absolutely love the idea of those chat benches!

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    1. Oh dear. I apologize for making you think on a weekend... HA!

      Me, too. I hope they pop up all over the world.

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  21. Hi Susan ... so glad to see this ... it must make a big difference - good for Somerset and I see the towns are Burnham and Taunton. I'm happy living alone and get up and go ... but equally always tend to chat to people ... and have amazing connections - always bemuses me. I try and connect with people who are on their own - if I feel like, and I don't always ... but have wonderful stories to tell.

    Great post - and so pleased to know it's a Brit thing!! Cheers and I'm sure you and Smarticus entertain those around you ... Hilary

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    1. Hi-ya, Hilary. I'm so glad you made it by to see this post, because I had a feeling you'd be thrilled about this particular "Brit thing." I also had a feeling that you're the kind of person who doesn't need a chat bench to inspire you to chat with other people. :)

      Cheers back atcha. Well, I dunno how entertaining we are, but we try!

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  22. "Down here next to me in this lonely crowd
    Is a man who swears he's not to blame"
    From Bob Dylan's I Shall Be Released
    The notion of being lonely in a crowd is a real one. I love being with family and friends (and strangers) but I also enjoy a few hours in my own company most days!
    CLICK HERE for Bazza’s justly jocular Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

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    1. "Lonely crowd"... isn't that a delicious oxymoron? Great reference. (Yeah, I'm a Dylan fan.)

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    2. I've just taken my Oxymoron exam. I think I did terribly well...

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  23. I'm happiest when I'm alone (as long as I have my dog!) but I'll also strike up a conversation with a stranger, compliment people I don't know on their footwear, hairstyle, or what have you. Thankfully I wasn't raised with a cell phone (or even a computer of any kind!!!) so if that top picture had included me, I'd be the one watching all the other people and secretly listening in on their conversations ;)

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    1. Hey, if you have your dog with you, you aren't alone! (Dogs are people, too, ya know.)

      I try NOT to listen to the cellphone conversations going on around me, but sometimes it's hard to ignore them. I reeeeally hate when someone behind me says an enthusiastic, "Hiiiii!" and I turn around with a big smile on my face, thinking they're talking to me... NOT! (Darned cellphones!)

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  24. The chat benches are a simple but creative solution to a growing problem of isolation in our society. I love this idea. I hope it spreads.

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    1. Me, too. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best. :)

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  25. Ah.... nothing like a solitary walk on the beach.

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    1. Agreed... mostly. Walking on super hot sand in bare feet isn't a walk in the park...

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  26. Very recently I was in the checkout line at Walmart, had placed my purchases on the conveyor belt toward the register and, from old habit, pulled a divider from its race and placed it behind my groceries. There was a man I'd never met, about my age (+/- 70) behind me who said "thanks!". I looked back and gave that crinkly-eyed nod geezers give each other and noticed his smiling blue eyes. He then said,"Ah, how are the kids?" I replied, "All grown up." He said, "So it goes." There's an element of surprise and connection in checkout lines, but I sure like the bench idea.

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    1. You're right. Check-out lines provide great opportunities to chat... and not just with other customers. Most cashiers welcome friendly overtures, too.

      I like the idea of those benches, too. :)

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