Friday, November 15, 2019

Sassy Tips

Thought for the day: Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. [Albert Einstein]

I'm such a nerd, I seriously considered buying myself an Einstein bobble-head doll. I mean... c'mon! How cool is THAT? But I controlled myself. I convinced myself it wasn't worth twenty bucks, and besides, we already have way too much stuff around here.

Anyhow, like good ol' Einsten said, you've gotta keep moving, and that's what we've been doing, which means there's little time or inclination to compose a blog post. But I came up with a scathingly brilliant idea. A few years ago, I wrote three guest posts for the blog The Really Real Housewives of America. I think they're mildly amusing, and since most of you guys didn't see them, I figured I'd run them for the next few weeks. They'll at least feel new to you, right? In the meantime, Smarticus and I will keep on keepin' on.

I'm gonna run the posts exactly as they appeared on the other blog, okay? That way, you'll get the, um, full impact, and I, um, don't have to do a doggone thing with 'em...

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It's a real honor to be here with y'all today, but before I share some appropriate (and okay... some inappropriate) handy-dandy tips with you, I feel it is my civic duty to issue a warning. One of the ladies who runs this blog is... now how shall I put this delicately?... a tad underhanded. (gasp!) I know. Shocking, isn't it? When inviting me to serve a stint as guest blogger here, Tammy called me... sassy. Yeah, sassy. Not saggy... sassy. How in the world could an old broad like me possibly say no when she threw a word like that at me, I ask you? It's been quite a few years since anyone associated that word with me, so I'm just gonna wrap it around me, and savor the feeling. Yep, that's me... classy, sassy, and a bit smart assy. Okay, not entirely true. But I am a bona fide smart ass, so you'd be wise to take what I'm about to tell you with a handful of salt.

Okay, ready for some nifty neat-o some-of-'em-even-work time-saving and money-saving tips?

  • Most of the things you waste time worrying about never happen, so cut it out! Worrying causes stress, gives you wrinkles, and wastes valuable time you could be using to do something much more worthwhile, like eating ice cream or sucking face with your fella. Besides, worrying never changes a darned thing. Never.
  • Clean up messes as they happen. I know it's tempting to ignore that mini-mountain of cereal you just knocked onto the kitchen floor, but don't. An even better alternative? Have at least one dog and one cat in your home. Believe you me, pets make an unbeatable clean-up team. Plus, cats with a propensity to arf provide you with the perfect incentive to clean your floors and carpets... one small area at a time.
  • To cut down on mildew, wipe down your shower walls and tiles after each shower. If you have a shower curtain, give it a couple good whacks to knock off excess water, and then leave the curtain closed to allow it to dry more quickly. Better yet? Join a gym. Then you can take all of your showers there, and let somebody else worry about mildew. As an added bonus, you can even spend a minute or two exercising while you're there. Might as well. Or you could do it my way... I do lots of diddly squats around the house every day. 
  • If you insist on wasting money and water by continuing to take your showers at home, rather than join a gym as I suggested, you may eventually notice the shower head isn't quite as squeaky clean as it used to be. I suppose you could go all Martha Stewart and scrub it with a toothbrush or something, but how about this? Secure a plastic baggy of vinegar over the head overnight, and ta-DA! Just like magic, all of the residue disappears. (Even though you want to be frugal and all that, I wouldn't recommend re-using that vinegar in your next salad... it's a tad on the soapy side.)
  • When lemons and/or limes are on sale, buy extra. Squeeze the juice out of some of them and freeze it in ice cube trays. Once it's completely frozen, you can store the cubes in a plastic bag. One cube equals about a tablespoon of juice. 
  • Some recipes call for buttermilk. I don't know about you, but we don't drink that stuff, so it'd be a waste of time and money to run to the store to buy it for a particular recipe, when I know the rest of it would just end up down the drain. No problem. I don't have to go to the store, and neither do you. Just add a tablespoon of vinegar per cup of good ol' normal milk. It's a perfect substitute.
  • Planning a dinner party, but hate the idea of wasting money on fancy after-dinner mints? So don't! Freeze a colorful tube of toothpaste, and then cut the tube open, and slice the paste into wafer-thin treats. Instant fresh breath!  PLUS, everyone saves time by skipping the usual after-dinner tooth-brushing routine. Win-win!
  • If you're in a hurry, or have somewhere you absolutely have to be, never ever make eye contact with your spouse while eating a banana. 
  • Need to drop some pounds in a hurry? Eat raw pork or rancid tuna. You can lose up to twelve pounds in only two days, without having to fork over one red cent on any of those dangerous diet pills. 
  • To save money on toilet paper, borrow it from work. Not whole, unopened rolls, mind you. Just rolls that have already been started. No one will ever notice. And, um, I'm using the word borrow facetiously. No need to return it. When you get down to the empty cardboard roll, you can put that to use, too. If you cut it lengthwise, you can put it around a roll of opened wrapping paper like a cuff. Keeps the rolls looking much neater. If you care about such things. If you don't, just throw it away. No skin off my nose.
  • Wanta save big money on your electric bill? Turn off the lights. Yep, all of them. If everybody wears a miner's hat, there's absolutely no need to turn on a lamp.
  • While we're saving money, here's another handy tip. Don't waste any money on one of those little address books for friends' addresses and phone numbers, either. Don't you get free phone directories? There ya go!  Just cross out the names of people you don't know. 
  • Here's a reeeeeeally big money-saver. When you go out with friends, leave your wallet at home. You can save yourself a bundle! However, you may eventually have to find new friends. 
  • And finally: be nice. Really. Going out of your way to be nice, especially to your spouse, will save a lot of time that might otherwise be wasted in argument. Most of the time, being kind is much more important than being right. (If all else fails, reach for a banana. Make eye contact at your own peril.)
                               Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.
                                   
   Best wishes from Susan, long-time housewife, and visiting SOB (Sassy Old Broad)

Susan and her husband transferred from Maryland to Georgia in 1971, and have lived in the same so-called starter home ever since. (Too lazy to pack up all their stuff!) She was a stay-at-home mom, and after the kids all flew the coop, she was perfectly happy to continue being a kept woman full-time homemaker, as well as a perpetual you-name-it-and-she'll-do-it volunteer. Since her hubby Smarticus retired fifteen years ago, they've been enjoying plenty of spur-of-the-moment adventures. (With the right attitude, everything is an adventure!) She has written one novel, Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade, and helped put together a poetry book for charity called Old Broads Waxing Poetic. She blogs most Fridays at I Think: Therefore, I Yam

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UPDATE: It's hard to believe, but Smarticus has been retired even longer, and I managed to write another book. Whether or not book two of that alleged trilogy will ever be written remains to be seen.

                             Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.





50 comments:

  1. Dear Susan, from across the kitchen Norma just asked me why I was laughing. I guess I haven't laughed much in a year or two --I've chuckled, decidedly I have chuckled. So I read your sassy tips to her and she got to laugh too. She's got a lot going on right now (mother-91- and elder brother-71- both very ill), childhood home up for sale. It's been a stressful year --but you sent her off to bed with a smile on her face. I can't thank you enough for that.

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    1. Thank you. I wasn't sure it was reeeeally a scathingly brilliant idea to re-run these posts, but now I'm sure. If it made you guys laugh, even a little, it was definitely the right choice. I hope you both have a terrific weekend. Give Norma a hug for me, and keep one for yourself. (I'm sure you can figure out how to do that...) :)

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  2. What a fun post. Thanks for the early morning smiles! Have a good weekend, look after yourself, hugs, Valerie

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    1. Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it. You have a terrific weekend, too. Hugs back atcha.

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  3. Just keep on a moving indeed.

    lol not sure I want to steal work's sandpaper toilet paper...sorry, I mean borrow. Cats and dogs sure can help clean up a mess, and then go make another one.

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    1. Um, maybe you could suggest they start purchasing a nicer brand of t.p. at the work place? :)

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  4. that is funny. I like the frozen toothpaste cut up as breath mints. Too clever. And yeah - turn off the lights, light a candle - then you can't see dirt. That works!
    Stay sassy and yes, you'll finish that book and the trilogy too. I have faith. Meanwhile, take good care!

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    1. Another tip? Take off your glasses. You'd be amazed at what a great job that does at making the dust and dirt disappear. :)

      Have a super weekend, kiddo.

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    2. that's tougher since my cataract surgery. Now I see way too well. Ha!

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    3. Cool! I didn't know you had cataract surgery. It sure makes a difference, doesn't it? :)

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    1. See? I can save you moolah at your next dinner party. (Then you'll have a little spare cash to buy some more minion stuff...)

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  6. We have similar housekeeping styles :-) xxx

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  7. Thanks for the smiles and info today. Some of it very useful. Being kind is never a waste of time.

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    1. No, kindness is always in style. (Unlike my wardrobe...) :)

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  8. Loved reading this fun post. Made my day!

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  9. These were awesome posts!

    You're so good at composing posts, but feel free to cut yourself some slack and just add an update so we know how you're doing. And how Smarticus is doing. Hugs!

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    1. Thanks. (But ya know, you guys never did list me as an honored guest... does that mean I'm dishonorable...? HA)

      Hugs back atcha, kiddo.

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  10. Susan, I always enjoy your posts, but this one takes the cake! Thanks for starting my morning with some therapeutic belly laughs.

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad to hear about the belly laughs. They're great exercise, ya know. Not just for the body, but for the soul. :)

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  11. Wise and sassy--you've got it all. Great advice. The banana-hahaha! Thanks for the laughs today. Have a great weekend!

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  12. Here are some words of wisdom to add to your lovely list:
    “In nine lifetimes you will never know as much about your cat as your cat knows about you.” – Michel de Montaigne

    I phoned my local gym and asked “Can you teach me to do the splits?” They said “How flexible are you?” I told them I couldn’t make Tuesdays. Tim Vine

    “Rejoice not at thine enemy's fall - but don't rush to pick him up either.” – Jewish Proverb

    And finally:
    Thought for the day: No man has ever been shot while doing the laundry.

    CLICK HERE for Bazza’s defiantly dapper Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

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    1. No doubt, our cats know waaaaay too much. (I'm glad they can't talk!)

      I'm afraid I'm one of those dorks who wouldn't follow that Jewish proverb. I'd rush in to help. (Yeah, I know. I'm both naive and gullible...)

      No man's ever been shot while doing the dishes, either... :)

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  13. Thanks for giving us an extremely entertaining and hilarious post, Susan. Well worth reading more than once (which is what I did).

    I particularly got a kick out of "borrowing" toilet paper from work. My father kept our family well-stocked with paper towels and T.P. from his place of work for years. Mom wasn't exactly pleased.....but at least she never had to worry about buying it from the store.

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    1. Thanks, Jon. I'm glad you got a few chuckles out of it. :)

      That's too funny. My father never borrowed paper goods from work, because he was very picky about brands. When he died, I swear there must've been enough packages of Charmin and Bounty stashed in his basement to stock his entire neighborhood for a year. Unbelievable!

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  14. I'm allergic to mould, so I've been doing the shower drying thing for years, using a squeegee first to get excess water off the tiles and glass, after I've given the shower curtain a good shake of course, then I dry it all with a rough towel. I've got so I can get it done in about five minutes.

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    1. I've been doing the shower-drying thing for years, too, but not because I'm allergic to mold. Scrubbing mildew is too much of a pain in the patootie, so I try to head it off at the pass. :)

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  15. Useful and hilarious, too! (I think I even snorted when reading about the banana.) What a shame I'm retired … imagine what $ I might have saved using your toilet paper tip.

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  16. What a hoot... or a sassy hoot. Such funny handing tip except for the toothpaste one. Oh gag me with a spoon ! Yes I lived in So Cal for many many years.
    Get post today.
    parsnip

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    1. Oh my goodness I need to read my comments before hitting publish !

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    2. HA! Gag me with a spoon, eh? That's something my friends and I said when we were teenagers. Right up there with "That's enough to gag a maggot" and "Make like a tree and leave." :)

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  17. Toss the toothpaste tip. Read the warning on most toothpaste tube these days. "Do not swallow. If swallowed, call the poison control center." Go check your tube.

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    1. It was only meant as a joke, like most of this post. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to actually eat toothpaste... even if it were edible.

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  18. It seemed a bit long at first but I started reading it and had to read to the end. I have a lot of bananas to eat.

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    1. Better hurry! The window for just-right bananas is reeeeeally small.

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  19. There are many wonderful adjectives to describe you, Susan, but I think Tammy got it right with Sassy. I am not sure I will take all those tips (especially the tooth paste mints) but I did get a smile out of them. I have used the vinegar in milk to make Buttermilk for the one thing that I make once a year (Irish Soda Bread) and it came out well.

    Take care of yourself, Sassy Susan, and know that you have a place in my heart and I am routing everyday for you and Smarticus. Think of us, your Blogger friends, as your backup crew and you can come to us anytime for support. Many of us have been there.

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    1. Thank you, Arlene. You made me a little misty-eyed there. (sniff) I appreciate it. We've become so reclusive these past couple years, you blogger pals are kinda like my community. My peeps. Your support, especially, is very dear to me.

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    2. I just read my comment to you and I hope you know that I meant rooting for you and not routing. That would be painful. I am using the excuse that I wrote this very early in the AM when my brain was only at half mast.

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  20. This is some very sound advice!

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    1. I dunno how "sound" it is... more silly than sound. :)

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  21. I like the one about keeping a cat and a dog in the house. It's so true. I can't count how many messes my dogs have helped me clean up, bless their hearts.

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    1. Isn't that the truth? We had a pair of cockapoos years ago, and they were the ultimate high-energy clean-up team. :)

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  22. Hi Susan - wonderful 'old broad' cartoon ... glad the pants aren't dripping though?! My mother always said to me ... for goodness sake darling don't leave things til the morrow - how right she always was ... I still don't always do what she suggested - ah well - tomorrow is another day - cheers Hilary

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