Warning: May Contain Political Poo

Thought for the day:  Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind. [George Orwell]

[photo courtesy of Pixel Peeper]

With both major parties holding conventions this month, we can expect even more political wind blowing than usual between now and election day, which most of us welcome about as much as a lingering fart in a crowded elevator. But even worse than all that noxious wind is the stuff of more substance. You know... the political caca.

Yep, there's gonna be an ever-increasing number of outrageous ads filled with half-truths and outright lies dumped on us, more recorded telephone messages from every political (and celebrity) Tom, Dick, and Mary, and an even higher-intensity rhetorical BS than we've had to endure so far. (oh, goody!)

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end, and no sense of responsibility at the other. [Ronald Reagan]

So am I gonna go all blah-blah-blah political on you? No, of course not! Helpful gal that I am, I'm merely gonna show you what I consider to be an appropriate fleet of patriotic vehicles that is ready, willing, and able to serve our country throughout this highly excremental political season. Yep, I'd say these fine trucks are definitely up to handling the inauspicious dooty...

     
                 (Hey! When you have a crappy job, you've gotta keep your sense of humor.)                            
                                 Laughter is the shortest distance between friends. 

                                Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Pairs Nicely With Possum

Thought for the day:  Wine is sunlight, held together by water.  [Galileo]

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No doubt about it, Galileo was a smart dude, and his comment about wine explains a lot. Like why people who drink too much of it later complain about a burning sensation in their gut. Makes sense, right? I mean, it's obviously due to an overexposure to all that sunlight. (They should maybe swig a bottle of sunblock first.)

Talking about wine, there was an article about an award-winning wine in the newspaper last week ... an award-winning wine from (ta-DA!) Wal-Mart. (!) Would you believe a cheap ass inexpensive wine sold exclusively through good ol' down-market Wal-Mart won Platinum Best in Show at the Decanter World Wide Awards? Called La Moneda Reserva Malbec, a Merlot made in Chile, this cheap ass inexpensive wine beat out 16,000 high-dollar wines in a blind taste test conducted by 240 international wine experts, so it wasn't just some poor cheap ass sot sitting on a park bench sipping it from a paper bag who said it's good... the experts said it. Costs about six bucks a bottle. Amazing, huh?

Alas, it's only sold in Asda, Wal-Mart's grocery chain in the UK. Think it'll ever make it onto Wal-Mart's shelves here in the US? Probably not. That classy name and its spiffy-looking label don't quite live down up to Wal-Mart's reputation in our country. Here, labels should probably be written in permanent marker on a strip of duct tape.

Several years ago, I received an email about Wal-Mart possibly bottling and selling its own wines in the near future, and selling them for cheap ass reasonable prices, like two to six bucks a bottle. Still hasn't happened, but if they ever do decide to bottle and sell their own brands, here are some smart ass helpful suggestions for names they can use:

• White Trashfindel
• Kendall Jacksoff
• Walton's Pondscum
• World Championship Wriesling
• Headache in a Bottle
• Sadder Home
• Wrath of Grapes
• NASCARbernet
• Chef Boyardeaux
• X-Lax Collection
• Peanut Noir
• I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar
• Fifty Grades of Gag
• Grape Expectations
• Nasti Spumante

Okay, okay, I'll stop picking on Wal-Mart. But I'm not done poking fun at booze. Not just wine... but booze, in general.

Whiskey is, by far, the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold. [Jerry Vale]

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked for his opinion of whiskey. Being the true politician that he was, this was his response, as recorded in the Political Archives of Texas:

"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

"However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

"This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."

You've gotta love a politician who can speak so articulately out of both sides of his mouth, but he's right, ya know. The abuse of alcohol can lead to all kinds of horrors, but as a social lubricant, it can also be quite... delightful.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. [Ben Franklin]

Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep;
Whoever sleeps long, does not sin;
Whoever does not sin, enters Heaven!
Thus, let us drink beer!   [Martin Luther]

Here's to alcohol, the rose-colored glasses of life. [F.Scott Fitzgerald]

A cute bar towel, huh? Not that it's at all applicable to any women I know.

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food.  [W.C. Fields]

Are these the coolest napkins, or what?

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three, I'm under the table,
After four, I'm under the host.
[Dorothy Parker]

Another bar towel.

I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it. [anonymous]

Yet another towel.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.  [Ben Franklin]

My personal favorite. This sign was next to the cash register in a wine-tasting shop.


Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. [Ernest Hemingway]

This sign was at an antique shop we visited after the wine tasting. It cracked me up. Of course, after three teensy weensy glasses of wine, everything cracked me up.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.  [Dave Barry]

Here's one of those fun make-believe billboards from the fine folks at dribbleglass

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.  [George Burns]

One must always respect one's beverage.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.  [Henny Youngman]

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it.  [Rodney Dangerfield]

Don't try to join the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. It turns out they're apparently against all three.  [Wiley Post]

The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer. [Ancient Egyptian proverb, circa 2200 B.C.!!!]




Okay, cheers! That's it for now. Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

P.S. Just a quick update. In last week's post, I said Nathan's traditional 4th of July hot dog-eating contest got its start in 1916, when four immigrants competed to decide which of them was the most patriotic. Sounds good, huh? Turns out, the hot dog company has been trying to feed us more than hot dogs, because that's a big fat Whopper they've been telling since their PR folks came up with the story in the '70s. In their defense, their creative story isn't entirely made of baloney. After all, they've always prefaced their made-to-order story by saying Legend has it... 

Go, Fourth! (And Have Fun)

Thought for the day: Every day is a rebirth, with new hope.  [author unknown]

[morguefile]

The 4th of July is right around the corner, so how about a rah-rah re-run post about that special day, when more than one and a half million hot dogs are typically consumed in the United States. (Erp! And not all by Smarticus and me, either...)

The following post originally ran on July 4, 2012 with the title Have a Bang-Up Day! But I'm gonna embellish it a bit with a handful of trivia tidbits at the end.

************* 

Thought for the day:  You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies dies from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.  [Erma Bombeck]

Happy 4th of July.

Didja hear what one flag said to another?

Give up?

Nothing. 

It just waved.






Cook-outs.  Parades.  Street parties.  Music.  Patriotic speeches.  Frisbee-throwing. Glorious booms of fireworks. That's what's gonna be happening all over the United States this weekend. Our little town here in Georgia will be holding an all-day street festival, followed by fireworks. Yes sirree, gonna be a real bang-up day.

                                                     Know what?  No matter WHERE you are in the world...

                                   I hope you have a super day! And to you guys way up north, Happy Canada Day!

                                                  Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Wait a minute! Not so fast. How about those trivia tidbits first?

• John Adams thought America should celebrate her  independence on the second of July, because that's when the Second Continental Congress passed its resolution to declare independence.  He wrote to his wife Abigail: The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more. Oh well. So he was only half-right. Because July 4, 1776 is the date on the Declaration of Independence, all of those things Adams imagined have taken place... but a couple days later.  
• Only two people... John Hancock, and Charles Thompson, the secretary of Congress... actually signed the Declaration on the fourth of July.  Everyone else signed on August second.  
• Isn't it ironic that one of the songs the U.S. considers patriotic was first sung by British officers? What's more, they sang Yankee Doodle to make fun of the less-than-fashionable Americans cousins.
• AND the National Anthem is sung to the tune of an old British drinking song.
• In 1778, to mark the fourth, General George Washington gave his soldiers a double ration of rum, so in a way, those who drink a wee bit too much on the fourth are merely following a long tradition. 
• Isn't it also ironic that most of the patriotic decorations and  U.S. flags we'll see waving on the fourth... were made in China? Ditto the fireworks. Hundreds of millions of dollars worth of pyrotechnics are imported from China every year to help us celebrate our most iconic American holiday.
• One of the country's most famous 4th of July events is  Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, which has been held in Coney Island every year since 1916. Allegedly, the first contest was held to settle a dispute between four immigrants over which of them was the most patriotic. I guess the one most willing to puke for his country was the winner...?
• The most continuous 4th of July celebration is a parade held in Bristol, Rhode Island, a tradition that began in 1785. (Those people sure know how to party!)

                                                       Okay, now I'm done. You can go eat a hot dog now.

                                                                  Take care of yourselves. And each other.