Thursday, July 14, 2011

Auntie Susie's Handy Dandy Stock Tips

Thought for the day:  Why is the guy who advises you about your money called a ... broker?

I'm still not here.

Nope, this is another pre-written post. By the time you're reading this, I should be up to my eyebrows in  grandkiddies.

Life is good.

OK, the stock market is recovering nicely, so it isn't such a sore spot anymore. That means I can get away with being a smart ass about it. YAY! ( I do that so WELL!)

So, if you're unsure where to invest your hard-earned money, here's your Auntie Susie to the rescue with my handy dandy stock market forecast. Read it, and invest wisely, grasshoppers:

  • Helium is definitely going up.
  • Feathers? Going down.
  • Paper will remain stationery.
  • Florescent tubing will dim in light trading.
  • Knives? Up sharply.
  • Cows will be steering into a bull market.
  • Pencils are going to lose some points.
  • Hiking equipment may be trailing.
  • Elevators are going up, but escalators will continue a slow decline.
  • Weights are up in heavy trading.
  • Light switches are going to be off.
  • Mining equipment will hit rock bottom.
  • Diapers will remain unchanged.
  • Shipping lines will be on an even keel.
  • The market for raisins will dry up.
  • Coca Cola may fizzle.
  • Caterpillar stock should inch up a bit.
  • Sun will peak at midday.
  • Balloon prices will be inflated.
  • Charmin will touch a new bottom.
  • The interstate sale of electricity will be alternating.
REMEMBER: You got your tips here!

Oh well, while we're picking on the economy, might as well throw these in, too. These are some very important answers to the question, "How bad IS the economy?" 

Our economy is so bad ...
  1. When I bought a toaster oven, they gave me a bank.
  2. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
  3. CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
  4. Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars are trading higher than GM.
  5. McDonald's is going to start selling the quarter ouncer.
  6. Rich folks are firing their nannies, and (gasp!) learning their children's names.
  7. The most highly-paid job now is jury duty.
  8. Motel Six isn't leaving its lights on anymore.
  9. The Mafia is laying off judges.
  10. If the bank returns a check marked "insufficient funds," you have to call to see if they meant you ...  or them.
OK, that's enough of this pre-written stuff. I'm gonna sign clear with y'all and come back to you live and in person next Wednesday. Until then, take care of yourselves. And each other.

A coin saved is a government oversight.


  1. LOL! Sadly, those are the best stock tips I've gotten in the last two years. But at least laughs are on the upswing with your list of "how bad" the economy is. Thanks for a good giggle. :)

  2. Oh dear; and me an ex-trainee-stockbroker!

  3. Only you can make a bad economy sound hilarious. Great job.

  4. LOL! You should send these to Obama; he could use a laugh about now! Thanks!

  5. Holy clever! Love it.

    Definitely fill-ing the diapers...

  6. Best Stock advice I've heard in a long time. Hope you are up to your eyeballs having fun with the kidlets.

  7. Heard most of them before but still funny!

  8. Hi, All. Thanks so much for your comments. Am definitely enjoying the grandkids so far. The second wave of 'em comes in later today. Ooops! Break's over. Time to get out in that kitchen and rattle some pots and pans. Y'all take care.

  9. Very funny! Still laughing from "Charmin will touch a new bottom!" I'll bet your grandchildren will appreciate that one! Julie

  10. Haha, witty--I love it. Have a wonderful time with the grand kiddies!

    Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse