Never Feed A Mojita to a Moose

Thought for the day:  Ever hear of an ig? It's a snow house without a loo.

Just how hot IS it this summer ...?

Yeah, it's been freaky deaky hot throughout most of the country this summer. And dry, too. I hear the drought's so bad in Texas, Baptists there have started doing baptisms by sprinkling. And even worse, the Catholics have actually been praying for the wine to turn back into water. 

So, tell ya what. Let's turn our backs on the lower 48 today, and spirit our bottles of wine northward to the land where hookers are probably known as frostitutes: Alaska. Last week, we talked about some of Alabama's strange laws, but this week, we're gonna turn our thoughts to the beautiful (and cool) state of Alaska.

Gorgeous, right?

What do you think of when you think of Alaska? Me, I think of breathtaking scenery, wide open spaces and wilderness, rugged terrain, wildlife galore, and a Wild West kind of gun-toting, down-to-earth freedom. Thanks to a number of TV series, we've had the opportunity to learn a little something about the state's culture from the comfort of our easy chairs this past year. We could follow Sarah Palin around the state, watch the travails of Alaskan gold miners and fishermen, and witness amazing animals in action.

But I hate to tell you ...  Alaska may be free, but it also has some, shall we say, interesting laws in their books:

• Moose may not be viewed from an airplane. (But you can probably shoot 'em, as long as your eyes are closed ...)
• It's legal to shoot bears, but it's NOT legal to wake one up so you can take its picture. (Shoot with gun, OK. Shoot with camera, not OK. Got it.)
• It's illegal to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. (Guess that'd be a moving violation, eh?)
• In Anchorage, you aren't allowed to tie your pet dog to the roof of a car. (Kinda makes you wonder about the persons who made a law like this necessary, doesn't it?)
• Also in Anchorage, you're prohibited from living in a trailer while it is being towed. (Doesn't say anything about using the loo while being towed ...)
• In Fairbanks, you can't feed alcoholic beverages to a moose. (But bears are OK?)
• In Haines, you must have a license to carry a concealed slingshot. (But not a gun?)
• Also in Haines, bartenders are prohibited from serving alcohol while inebriated. (So much for being comped free drinks up there ...)
• In Juneau, owners may not take their pet flamingos into barber shops. (Really?)
• And in Soldotna, you may not allow "attractive nuisances" to exist. (Lest you think this means it'd be OK to permanently rid yourself of that good-looking neighbor who never knows when to shut up, it doesn't. The law actually defines "attractive" as any object that will attract bears. 'Course, if said neighbor were smeared with garbage ... )

Okay, here it is, the moment you've all been waiting for. It's time for (ta DA!)

This Week's Weirdest News Stories

***  I'm all for do-it-yourself attitudes. For some things. Certainly, not for all. This week, a 63-year-old southern California man tried his hand at a bit of do-it-himself surgery. Using a six-inch butter knife, he tried to cut out his hernia. Not push it out, like the pros would've done, but cut that puppy clean out. His wife called 911, and while the police officers were with the (naked) man, waiting for the EMTs to arrive, he yanked the knife out of his stomach and stuffed a burning cigarette into it. (Guess he was attempting to cauterize?) No indication as to whether there were any adult beverages involved in this gentleman's decision-making processes, but it sure sounds like he may have dug deeply into his little baggie of medicinal marijuana. 

*** One hundred thirty-four days after Christchurch, New Zealand, was devastated by an earthquake, two unlikely survivors were found unharmed. Goldfish Shaggy and Daphne made it through the ordeal of the past four and a half months, trapped within their murky tank, without electricity, and without food. (However, three OTHER fish who used to share that tank were g-o-n-e.) Alas, no telling how these fish will fare in the future, though. The director of the company, who found the survivors when allowed back into her damaged office building, took them home with her and turned them over to the care of her (gasp) little boy.

*** New Hampshire just erected a brand  new historical marker to commemorate the fiftieth anniversary of an alleged alien abduction. It reads: On the night of September 19-20, 1961, Portsmouth, N.H., couple Betty and Barney Hill experienced a close encounter with an unidentified flying object and two hours of "lost" time while driving south on Rte. 3 near Lincoln. They filed an official Air Force Project Blue Book report of a brightly-lit cigar-shaped craft the next day, but were not public with their story until it was leaked in the Boston Traveler in 1965. This was the first widely-reported UFO abduction report in the United States.  

See, where ELSE can you find out such crap  fascinating information?

Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.